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TORCH CARRYING
Crisis of Faith
By Meredith Bronwen Mallory
mallorys-girl@cinci.rr.com
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(Six Months After ‘War Without End’)
Dear Diary,
Hello again. The clock reads 2 am.... I slept about oh, fourty five minutes. Quinn’s still asleep, I can’t believe I didn’t wake him up with my thrashing, but I guess he’s used to it now. We’ve been living together for about four months now, and on the outside I’m all smiles. Only you, diary, know my guilty secret and growing depression. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written, so I’ll fill you in. About three months ago, the tide war against the Kromaggs turned, in our favor. The final battle lasted for more than five days, and just when it seemed that neither side would give, Quinn and two of his doubles came up with an ingenius plan. I still don’t understand all of it, but from what I can tell, they took a gamble and put something toxic in the water.... Anyway, there was a huge party afterwards, and I swear everyone had a hang over for days.
Quinn and I are back home, living in his mom’s house. She’s moved in with her sister so she can help take of her (bastard Kromaggs were totally heartless since she was infertile). Remmy’s carreer is on the fast track, and you will NEVER guess who he’s married to... me... well, my double anyway. She’s a singer too, touring what’s now called the inter-dimensional circut. It’s Quinn’s dream come true, to see sliding used for good things, like economics and yes, arts and singing. Anyway, Remmy and Katie (my double, she goes by her middle name) come around here pretty often, though it’s kind of hard to see myself with him.
I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Maggie. She met another Steve, and the two have settled down on an Earth called 458, and even though she sends letters, it’s not the same. I really got used to her company.
This little lie of mine is tearing me apart, and even though Maggie’s gone, I still have that damn nightmare all the time. Though now it’s even worse. I keep seeing what’s supposedly my ‘corpse’ coming towards me. She’s all bloody and disfigured...(talk about guilt manifestation). The first night, she was standing in the doorway, and every night she gets closer. Tonight she was at the foot of the bed. Shit... Quinn’s stirring.... FORGIVE ME GOD, I don’t like this lie at all.
~Wade
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Wade set down her journal and looked at her fiancee, who tossed and turned in the bed, aparrently missing her warmth. But she couldn’t bring herself to get back in bed. Instead, she left the room and went into the bathroom, turning on the shower. Climbing in, she let the ice cold jets hit her back like knives. It hurt like hell, but she felt like she deserved it. Suddenly, all she could hear was the crashing water. It seemed to chant ‘Liar, liar, liar’. The world spun and the tortured soul sank to the floor of the show and cowered there, weeping as the sound of the water drowned out her frantic sobs.... Evetually, she turned off the shower, but sat there still, rocking back and forth, afraid to move and tired of living a lie.
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"
Hey, Quinn!" a cheerful voice called out. She sounded a lot like his fiancee, but he knew better. Katie Brown stood in the kitchen doorway, a basket of strawberries in her arms."Hi, Kate," he said as he worked on the dishes. He didn’t know why he was clearing them, after all, the Browns had come for dinner and they’d only get dirty again. Maybe he needed work to take his mind off Wade. He was really worried about his angel, lately she’d been distant, with-drawn. He knew she was trying to keep up a good front for his sake, but her eyes were sad, and she was loosing weight. Turning his attention back to his fiancee’s double, he said, "I see you brought strawberries."
"Oh, yes," she chittered, in her sing-song voice. That was where Katie and Wade were different. Wade’s words always seemed so carefully chosen, while Katie was like a bird, chirping for hours. "They’re fresh, picked them only three hours ago!"
"Where’s Remmy?" Quinn asked.
"Oh, he’s getting the casserole," Katie said as she set the strawberries on the table, "Thanks so much for having us over. We’ll miss you so much while we’re on tour."
"And we’ll miss you," Quinn replied with a smile, "Especially Wade. You’ve really helped her, Katie. I know she misses Maggie."
"No prob!" Katie said, taking a seat. Just then, Remmy entered, "Hey, honey." Katie greeted him.
"Hello, lady-love," the Cry’n man gave his wife a kiss on the cheek. To Rembrandt, only Wade was ‘sweetheart’, Katie was ‘lady-love’. Quinn turned and saw Wade standing in the doorway.
"Hey, Angel," he greeted her, "Have a nice nap?"
"Yeah, thanks, I needed that," Wade smiled and pecked him on the cheek, Quinn frowned slightly as she turned away, he could tell she was lying.
"Oh, Katie, you brought strawberries! Thanks so much!" Wade said as she took the basket and began washing the small red fruit. Rembrandt and Quinn went to set the table while the ladies preped the food.
Later that evening, while Katie and Wade were in the living room, Quinn and Remmy tackled the dishes.
"Hey, Q-ball," Remmy said, "I don’t want to cause a problem, but is something the matter between you and Wade?" Quinn sighed as he dried a glass and set it in the cupboard.
"You’ve noticed it too, huh?" he asked, "Well, there’s nothing wrong between US, but there’s definately something wrong. She’s lost a ton of weight."
"Have you tried asking her about it?" the Cry’n Man suggested hopelfully.
"Yeah, but she insists nothing is wrong. Even I can see that’s not true. She wakes up screaming everynight." The young man put his head in his hands. Rembrandt looked at his friend with sympathy, Quinn and Wade deserved their happiness now that they’d found each other, they didn’t need this.
"Don’t worry about it, man," Rembrandt said, "I’m sure she’ll tell you when she’s ready."
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"NO!!! QUINN!!!" Wade jolted up from bed, her hair matted with sweat, her breathing hard. Her brown eyes had a look of pure terror etched in their depths as she tried to haul air into her lungs.
"Angel?" Quinn asked as he rolled over, "What’s wrong, baby?" Wade looked at him and collasped back on the bed, shaking with fear. The ‘corpse’ had been ready to touch her this time..... She felt Quinn’s strong arms wrap around her, comforting her as nothing else could. Something inside her snapped... she couldn’t take it anymore.
"
Quinn??" she asked hesitantly."
Yes, angel?" he spoke into her hair. Wade ducked out of his embrace and back away, up against the head-board. She could see the hurt in his eyes as he reached for her again, but she put her hands up to stop him. "I need to tell you something." She couldn’t have him touching her... she might lose her nerve."Alright..." his blue eyes were filled with confusion, but his hands dropped to his sides. Taking a deep breath, Wade closed her eyes and began;
"Do you remember when we first met? And I told you I’d lost my Quinn... my Remmy and Meg? Right?" she asked.
"Of course, I remember," he said, "You were right in front of the vortex."
"Well, I lied. I’m.... I’m YOUR Wade."
"Come again?" Quinn looked at her strangely, and Wade filled herself forward.
"On meteor world, you and I danced, in your basement, we kissed.... On lottery world I told you that we’d agreed not to do anything about our feelings because we were sliding. On psuchic world, I was kidnapped by Derek Bond and had to fake suicide. On Youth World you posed as your double, QR, for my insane double..." she looked at him again. Whatever she’d been expecting to see on his face, the reality was not it. He looked totally shocked.
"How...?" he asked.
"I died, Quinn. Your double, the one that gave you the sliding combonation? He killed me. That was the double I met in the transport station a while back, but I met him before that. We were on this deserted world together, and he poisoned me... I died and went over to the other side, but they sent me back. To help you, to keep you from committing suicide...." she trailed off as he took hold of her shoulders.
"Why didn’t you tell me?" he whispered.
"I couldn’t! They wouldn’t let me... it was part of the deal..." she began to cry, the feel of his warm hands on her shoulders was just too much. Suddenly he was holding her, stroking her hair as she cried against his bare chest. He whispered endearments into her ear as he comforted her.
"My dear, sweet angel," he cooed, "You’ve been carrying this around your neck for more than a year, haven’t you.... is that what’s been the matter all this time?"
"Yes!" she sobbed, "I... I lied to you, Quinn... I’m so sorry... but I was afraid that if I told you, I’d either die or you would hate me... and if you hated me that would be like death anyway."
"Oh, sweetheart," Quinn said as he rocked her gently, "How could I not love you... Angel, you’re so giving.... I thought you were dead...." now he was crying too. Wade pulled back to look at him.
"You don’t hate me?" she asked in a small voice.
"Never!" he said, "I could never hate you, it would be like hating myself!" She sobbed harder, but they were tears of joy now. She tiny frame shook with relief as Quinn laid down, still holding her.
"I love you, Quinn," she told him.
"And I love you, darling Wade," he whispered. As she drifted off to sleep in the arms of the man she loved, Wade knew that at last, after years of wandering, she had finally come home.