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Hopeless, Shapeless, Dreamless, Nameless (8/10)
by Meredith Bronwen Mallory
mallorys-girl@cinci.rr.com
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    The stars were bright and twinkling above the grassy hill. Marcus lay
with his head in the lap of the woman he loved, looking up at the sky,
totally at peace with the world. He felt her hands gently stroking his hair,
easing him into sleep. Somewhere, out of the corner of his eye, Marcus saw
the golden unicorn run into the forest, but he paid it no mind. Everything
was so serene, so peaceful, so perfect, setting all his fears and unease to
rest in the moonlight. All he wanted was to be with her forever, and he
moved to take her in his arms, to hold her. It was then that he saw her
face... it was Captain Susan Ivanova!

    "What was that?!" Marcus asked as he bolted up from sleep. He'd had that
dream plenty of times before, but this time it had been so clear, so real
that he ached with the sweetness of it. And Susan... how did she fit in all of
this? Somehow, he had the sneaking suspicion that there was more to this
than he could fathom. Was Lyta scanning him only because they suspected that
there would be an attempt on his life, or was it something else entirely?
Something told Marcus it had to do with the ever so lovely Captain. Grabbing
his robe, Marcus headed for the kitchen to make some tea. What *were* his
feelings for the Captain, anyway? He certainly found her attractive, hell,
she could bring mortal men to their knees- but there was something bigger.
"Hump," Marcus muttered as he poured himself some tea. Taking a seat, he
lifted his mug to the absent woman, "Here's to you, Captain."

--------

"Good morning, how are you feeling?" Erika asked, as she leaned against the
drawer. Michael rubbed his eyes, and laid back against the pillows, taking
her in. She was dressed in one of his worn T-shirts, her brown eyes dancing.
"Like I've been struck by lightening," he said, stretching. She joined him
on the bed, straddling his lower body and bending to kiss him.
"You did sleep SOME last night, didn't you?" she asked, pouting.
"Of course," Michael said softly.
"Good," Erika said, moving off him and pulling him out of bed, "up, up! Time
to face the day!" Laughing, he complied. This was going to be SOME day.

----------

    She checked her reflection in the mirror for the third time that
morning. Feeling more than a little nervous, she debated putting her hair up
again, but decided to leave it down.
"Geeze, Susan," she scolded her reflection, "you've faced shadows, the Psi
Corps, and psychopaths, but you can't face Marcus Cole?" But she instantly
knew that to her, Marcus was more dangerous than anything. He'd made the
steel walls around her heart come tumbling down, he made her feel, and he
had forced her to talk to her heart again, whether or not he remembered it.
"Damn!" she slammed her fist down on dresser. Susan was more than a little
frustrated, and felt tears sting her eyes as she wondered what the outcome
of Lyta's scan would be. Would Lyta be able to break the blocks around
Marcus' memory, and if she did, would Marcus positively hate her? She
wouldn't blame if he did.
"Ma'am?" Jaylen's voice rescued Susan from herself. The young aide poked her
head in the door, "President Sheridan just called, he said that everything
will be  is ready."
"All right, Jaylen. I'll be right there," the Captain said softly. She
looked once more at her reflection and tried on a smile. It didn't work, and
she frowned, "What are I am I going to do with myself?" she asked.

    Making her way to the kitchen area, the scent of her usual and coffee
and toast greeted Susan, giving her a much needed dose of normality.
Everything was such a mess right now, and all she wanted to do was relax and
have her coffee before she exploded.
"Thank you, Jaylen," she said curtly, taking a seat.
"Yes, Ma'am," the mousy aide replied, "Ma'am, I rearranged your schedule,
you don't have any meetings today, and the President has arranged for
Commander Corwin to take care of C&C for the day."
"Ahh!" Susan muttered, putting her head in hands, "What is wrong with
everyone today?"
"Ma'am, if I may be so bold," Jaylen began, "well, I think it's you."
"Oh?" Susan said, standing up, "How am I acting any different? It's not as if most
annoying, charming, handsome man in the galaxy, the one that DIED for me,
shows up on my door step and doesn't even remember me!" she ranted, voice
heavy with sarcasm.
"Ma'am, um," Jaylen stumbled over the words, "you're acting horny." The
Captain merely stared at her aide, then stalked out the door in the general
direction of Med Lab.

---------

    Lyta looked from Captain Ivanova, who stood outside Isolab, to Marcus
Cole, who sat in front of her. As far as Marcus was concerned, she was only
scanning him to see if they could get a positive I.D. on the man who had
been hired to kill him, and that was what the Ranger would think, until the
moment she cracked his blocks. Lyta looked at the group clustered around the
window; John, Delenn, Carolyn Saunderson, Michael Garibaldi and Erika
Browning, as well as the Captain and her aide.  Busying himself at the
monitors, Doctor Franklin moved about the room, making sure all the
equipment was working correctly so he could monitor Marcus' condition
through out the scan. The doctor looked up and signaled that all was clear.
"Marcus, this may be a little uncomfortable, but I'll try to be as gentle as
possible," Lyta told him, removing her gloves and placing her hands on his
temples.....

<<<<<  There was a brief feeling that the universe was shifting, becoming
smaller and smaller, until all that existed was the world inside Marcus'
head. Lyta stood in a large, dark room, the only light coming from a reddish
portal above.
"Hello?" she called out, her voice hesitant. Looking around, she noticed
that there were several corridors leading away from the circular room she
stood in.
"I'm right here," Marcus said, stepping from the shadows and looking around,
"So this is the inside of my head. Hmm, not much, is it?," he turned to look
at her, and laughed, "'Curiouser and curiouser' , as Alice would say," he
remarked with a smile. Lyta looked at him, shaking her head.
"Which way?" she asked of no one.
Marcus shrugged, "How am I supposed to know?"

    Gazing about, Marcus thought how strange it was to know you where
actually looking at the manifestation of your brain.
"This way," Lyta pointed to a dark corridor, grabbing his hand and pulling
him along. Halfway down the hallway their path was blocked by the presence
of a great and slithering mass of vines, glittering and dark. "Bester," the
telepath seethed.
"What?" he asked, wondering what the Psi Cop had to do with this. He looked
at the vines- what was THAT doing in his mind?
"Nothing," Lyta said, letting go of his hand and walking to the overgrowth.
A smaller vine moved, trying to curl around her hand, but she caught it as
it snapped at her. Marcus watched fascinated as Lyta placed  her other hand
on one of the larger vines and closed her eyes. Slowly, before Marcus' own
eyes, the vines died away and fell to the floor before disintegrating into
dust. Suddenly, a rumble was heard and Marcus eyes widened as the wave hit
him.

And he remembered... a golden, blue eyed, unicorn... SUSAN! How could he have
forgotten her? How COULD he? He who claimed to love her more than life
itself? One by one, the memories flooded around him, bathing him in a golden
tide.
Fascination. "I have to be authorized to talk to you like a person?"
Adoration. "Nu san filarni, en aliz mi druwn."
Love. "Do you have anyone special waiting for you back home?"
Pain. Sadness. Anger. Love. Hope. Peace. "I love you."
<I died for her! I died!>
There was something else... cold, it was so cold. Old thoughts, wore like
dried autumn leaves... <Did she hear me? Is she alright? Oh, Susan! Please... so
cold.. I LOVE YOU!>
Then blinding light... <Where am I?>
((You are here))
<Where's here?>
((You have a purpose to serve))
<What?>
((What do you remember?))
<Susan! God, where is she, is she alright!?> Struggle, there was something
holding him down.
((She is fine. For now.))
<What do you mean 'for now'? WHO ARE YOU?>
((I am your worst nightmare, Mr. Cole))
<A name?>
((Talia)) Black and spidery, she slithered through his mind. There was some
one else there too, some one he couldn't see. The woman, Talia, tore at his
memories, laughing. She saw everything, his pitiful attempts to show Susan
how he felt... ((Fool, she will never love you. She loves me. She thinks
you're dead.))
<You're lying! Who are you!? What do you want?!>
Another voice, evil and chilling. ((We want you to forget, Mr. Cole. Go now,
forget))
He felt himself grasping for the memory of Susan, as it was torn from his
finger tips, he fought for it... what was he fighting for? ((Go now,
FORGET))>>>

    Gasping, Marcus opened his eyes to the stark Isolab. Closing them again,
he leaned back. Lyta removed her hands, and Marcus fell back to the bed.
That was what had happened? Had he really forgotten Susan? No, he hadn't,
she'd hidden deep in his mind, away from Bester and Talia, in a place they
could not reach, behind the golden unicorn from his dreams. Opening his
eyes, he looked up to see Susan looking at him through the window.
"Oh, God," he murmured.

-----------

    He remembered, Susan could see by just looking in his eyes. He
remembered her, but did he still love her? Carefully, the weary Captain
searched his eyes for a glimmer of rebuke, an ounce of anger, but could find
none. It was then that the old self-preservation mechanism had clicked in
once again. What if he was taken from her again? Could she handle that kind
of loss a second time? What if he decided he no longer loved her, that she
was too dangerous to be around? What if he just left? It was easy to love
Marcus once he was gone, it was easy to love him when he wasn't around, but
this Marcus could get up and walk out. As she watched, Marcus moved to
stand, and after considerable fussing from Doctor Franklin, managed to make
it to the door. With a gasp, Susan lost her nerve and bolted from the  room,
the protests of her friends echoing in her ears.

    The others watched silently as Susan left, no one moving to stop her,
and then Marcus in hot pursuit.
"I don't envy him," John said softly, sliding an arm around his wife, "he
has his work cut out for him."
"Maybe not," Jaylen spoke up, "I think she just got scared." Delenn nodded
in agreement.
"Come, John," she said, "there are things we must attend to." The couple bid
them a good afternoon and left. Erika looked on, not commenting on any of
it. She had a feeling Marcus and Susan could work things out on their own.
But there was one thing she was worried about. Glancing over at Michael, she
saw him staring off into oblivion. He'd been silent all through the scan,
and the Ranger wondered what it was that had him so far away. More than
that, she wondered why she gave a damn. Taking a deep breath, she sauntered
over and waved a hand before his eyes.
"Hey," Erika said softly, placing her other hand against his cheek, "You
look like your fighting one hell of an internal battle. What's got you so
far away?"
"Nothing," Michael said, shifting on his feet. He didn't mean it, Erika
didn't even have to scan him to figure that out.
"No. No it's not. Come on, Michael," she looked him in the eye, "what's
wrong?" Sighing a sigh that could only signal defeat, he pulled her aside
and once more leaned against the wall.
"I take it you might know a Psi Cop called Bester?" he asked.
"Yeah, unfortunately," Erika groaned, "So what'd he screw this time?"
"He picked my brain apart," Michael sighed, putting a hand over his eyes,
"made me betray John, the Army of Light, everything I loved. Then he blocked
it so that I can never shoot him, or harm him, in any way. And damn it, I
can't prove a thing of it!" His mood changed abruptly, "Why the hell am I
telling you any of this?! Why should you care?" Erika, the dubious, risquŽ
Ranger who'd slept with- and left- more guys than she had fingers and toes,
suddenly pulled Michael's hands away from his face and soothed her own cool
ones against his temples.

Before he could guess her intention, she was in his mind, gently probing for
that darkness, the terrible thundercloud that was the trademark of a man
she'd come to hate. All the while, anger filled her. What right had Bester
to come in and desecrate the mind of this man? What right had he to play
God, to think himself holier than thou? And Erika found it, the black,
glittering wall of pain and pure hate, forged in the fire of morbid irony.
Beads of sweat began to blossom on her forehead, but she barely noticed as
she pushed on, most of her pain coming from the fact that she did it so
slowly, to avoid any pain to Michael. At last she was inside, and she slew
each command, each remnant of Bester until there was no more. Slowly, Erika
slipped out, to find Michael staring at her angrily.
"What did you do?" he demanded, grabbing her wrists. She gave a small,
frightened gasp, made only out of surprise at the sudden ferociousness
lurking underneath the calm business man.
"It's gone now, he has no control over you..." she was breathing hard, sweat
staining her brown locks, turning them black. Her chest heaved and she fell
backward, but Michael caught her too him.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"It's all right," Erika murmured, regaining her composure. Dusting off her
uniform, she looked up at him again. Though she had tired to spare him most
of the discomfort , the scan had been deep, and his exhaustion was clearly
showing. This time, it was she who caught him, "Doctor Franklin!" she called
out.
"What happened?" the doctor asked as they moved him into another room.
"Exhaustion," Erika lied. It was another one of the things she was good at.
"Well, he has been working way too hard lately, I'm sure if he rests, he'll
be fine," Franklin said.
"Good," she murmured as he wandered off to do some scans. The Ranger watched
the lines of worry crawl to extinction with the peacefulness of sleep. It
was like looking at a whole new man. Smiling, she traced his jaw bone, "All
better now," she told him softly, "all better."

    Doctor Franklin had just finished a minor medical scan and, studying the
read outs, he turned to inform Erika that, other than a small iron
deficiency, Michael was fine. But when he looked up, he found that the space
previously occupied by the attractive young Ranger was empty.
"How the hell...?" Silently, a shadow moved away.