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Hopeless, Shapeless, Dreamless, Nameless (6/10)
by Meredith Bronwen Mallory
mallorys-girl@cinci.rr.com
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    "THEY WHAT!!??" Susan exploded, her face turning ashen. How could the
Corps know? The only person who knew was John, and he would never tell! A
thousand feelings of fear and betrayal raced through Susan at the speed of
light. Terror coursed through her veins, possessed her mind in a rapid
flurry of horrific scenarios.
"They know... that you're a telepath," Carolyn was frantic, her eyes darting
in all directions, as if expecting some one or something to jump from the
Shadows.
"What makes you say this?" Susan asked, deciding to play it safe and act
innocent. <Yeah, Susan. She could be a decoy, they could have just scanned
you... they could know now, because you let them...>
"I saw it in Alfred's mind! They took Marcus Cole... to..." she trailed off, her
eyes trying to roll back and she swayed dangerously.
"Quick! Get her a chair!" Delenn said, hurrying to accommodate the falling
woman. Erika moved to kneel before her, putting one hand on her shoulder and
gazing with fierce intensity at the face of the frightened telepath.
"Carolyn," she said softly, but with a firm command, "think slowly, tell us
what you know." The telepath took a deep breath and looked past Erika at
Susan.

"Three years ago," she began, " I was released from the Shadow Tech that
imprisoned my mind. I was given a choice; join the Corps, or die. So I
joined. I was given an assignment out on the Rim, a place called New Arisia.
I was to pose as a normal, and look after a man they wanted to keep
isolated. I wasn't told what for, and I didn't ask. If I did my job, they
promised to leave me alone, that the only person I would deal with would be
Alfred."
"Alfred who?" Delenn asked. Carolyn looked up at her, then closed her eyes.
Alfred's reputation proceeded him.
"Bester." A flash of alarm and fear came from two different directions
simultaneously, and Carolyn managed to track them both back to their
sources. Erika and Susan.
"You're her, aren't you?" Susan asked, "The woman we brought in with the
other telepaths. He said you were carrying his child."
"Yes," she looked at the floor. Somehow she felt dirty and used without
really knowing why, "When they removed the Shadow device from my mind,
certain bodily functions began to fail. It was me or the baby. They said
there would always be other babies." For a moment she sat in silence,
staring at the floor, respecting the memory of her still-born child. After a
second, she looked up again, "The man they wanted me to look after, his name
was Marcus Cole." A gasp sounded, and Carolyn didn't even have to both to
track it. This Susan person was holding down the guilt, sadness, surprise
and joy very well, but the trained P12 could still feel it.
"He's alive?" Susan asked, incredulous.
"Yes. But he doesn't remember you," Carolyn informed the heartbroken woman,
"The man's mind is locked up tighter than Fort Nox. They wanted to break
you, see if, after a while, the pain and guilt might get to you. Then, when
your guard is  down, they'll come in and get you, stick you in a
re-education camp and no one will ever hear from you again." The telepath
watched Susan's eyes widen. This woman didn't deserve the filthy camps, and
she didn't deserve to have the man she loved taken from her in this fashion.
To herself, Carolyn made a quiet vow to make sure Susan Ivanova never
suffered the same fate as Kail Saunderson. "Marcus is on station now. He has
business here, and I didn't think to inform Al. I'm glad I didn't."
"Susan," Delenn addressed the Captain, "if he is here, we will find him."
The other woman nodded vigorously, tears pooling in her eyes.
"Entil 'Zha," Erika began, "I too discovered some of this when I was in the
Corps. But there is one thing Carolyn didn't tell you, she doesn't know.
Marcus Cole's mind is so full of holes it could be Swiss Cheese. It'll take
either one hell of a teep, or a miracle to break all those blocks." Delenn
and Susans' eyes met. Carolyn caught something in both their thoughts: Lyta.

------------

    "Excuse me sir," said the Security guard standing in the open doorway of
Marcus Cole's rented rooms, "are you Marcus Cole?"
"Yes," Marcus replied irritably. It had been a long day, and he'd just
collapsed on the couch when the door bell rang and this guard showed up.
"Come with me please," the guard replied.
"Wait a second, what's going on here?" Marcus asked. He hated being in the
dark. The guard would not answer him, but insisted he follow. Damn.

--------

    The nervous silence that had fallen over the conference room was so
thick, you could almost pluck it from the air. Susan sat in a chair next to
John, her hands clenched in her lap, her eyes holding back an ocean of
tears. Michael sat beside Erika, his expression dubious. Delenn, who
believed in divine intervention, had eyes full of hope, and Carolyn had her
convictions. The guard entered the room, and informed the President that
they had found Marcus and were bringing him in. Susan's breath caught in her
throat as they brought him around the corner. His eyes were full of
recognition when they rested on Carolyn. He gave her a warm, if surprised,
hello to his secretary. Then he turned to Delenn with the patented Marcus
Cole grin.
"Entil 'Zha," he bowed respectfully, "it is good to see you in such
marvelous health." It was Marcus all right, charm and everything, except
perhaps memory, still intact.
"Marcus," Delenn rose as well, inclining her head, "it is good to see you."
Her eyes were brimmed with tears.
"And you Captain, I mean, President, good to see you too," Marcus smiled. He
nodded to Garibaldi, who introduced Erika, then, as Susan had dreaded, his
eyes rested on her, devoid of any familiarity and her heart shattered into a
million tiny pieces.

    Marcus Cole gazed at the woman before him and found himself unable to
develop anything coherent to say. She was beautiful, as if all the stars in
heaven had decided to grace her with a beauty that rivaled the goddess
Aphrodite. Her perfect, crystal blue eyes were swimming in tears, and he
felt the sudden need to figure out whatever was hurting her and fix it. For
some reason, the image of that golden unicorn from his dreams pushed to the
fore of his mind. He wondered why.
"Hello," he said, unable to come up with anything else to say.
"Hi," she said, eyes locked with him. It was like every one else in the room
had dissipated to a distant mist, and only they existed... they, and the
galaxies Marcus was sure were between them.
"I don't believe we've met... I think," Marcus said, a little unsure. He
swore he saw her choke back a sob, though she didn't make a sound.
"Marcus, this is Captain Susan Ivanova, she is in command of Babylon 5 now,"
John intervened, feeling a strange sense of de'sha'vu. Marcus nodded,
turning to the rest of the room, an embarrassed blush on his face.
"You are wondering why we asked you here, are you not, Marcus?" Delenn
asked, standing.
"Yes, actually. But then, it is awfully like you to keep a chap in the
dark," Marcus commented jovially, trying to cover his confusion. He felt
very much aware of the presence of Susan Ivanova.
"We believe there will be an attempt on your life," Michael told him, " we'd
like you to stay in protective custody for a few days." Marcus looked at the
former Security Chief and knew the man wasn't telling the whole truth. Oh
well, these people were his friends, he trusted them. And silently, the
traitorous part of Marcus Cole's brain whispered that maybe he wanted to see
more of the ever-so-lovely Captain.

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    Oh, the vodka flowed tonight. Every time Susan knocked back a shot,
another appeared to take its place. The amber liquid seemed to come from no
where, but by this time Susan was too far gone to realize she'd asked the
bartender not to allow her glass to be empty. Of course, the dingy woman who
owned the place knew that Susan had the credit to back up her request, so
she complied. With every drop of the powerful drink, the voice of Marcus
that echoed off the walls of her mind became a little bit stronger. Every
mission they'd gone on together, every conversation they'd ever had played
over and over in her mind and threatened to drive her mad. He'd forgotten
her, he didn't know her. It was as if some deity had wielded a giant simitar
against his mind and ripped memories apart, wiping her touch from him...
forever. He was lost to her, that Susan was sure of it. In her alcohol
induced stupor, she found a false sense of clarity. She didn't deserve him,
she was too worn and battered for that kind of fairy tale romance. Silent
tears flowed down her cheeks, landing in the vodka, making it taste as
bitter as she felt. It was getting late, the bar was emptying out; one by
one the dignities, ambassadors, racketeers and merchants that sought refuge
in the land of liquor and wine filed out. She was the only one sitting at
bar, there were only a few couples, drunk and hiding in the shadowy booths.
Still, the bartender kept it coming. Suddenly, some one perched on the bar
stool beside her, and a warm, human hand closed over hers in a gesture of
silent understanding. Susan looked up, and found herself gazing into the
warm, dark brown eyes of Carolyn Saunderson.

    "How much have you had to drink?" Carolyn asked, looking at the numerous
shot glasses that surrounded the fallen Captain. Ivanova looked at her
strangely, brought up a hand and attempted to count. Laughing helplessly,
the other woman finally responded with:
"I have no idea. Can't seem to count past... two." More helpless laughter.
"What's wrong... I could try and help," Carolyn said, trying to take on the
tone Kail would use when broaching her about her problems.
"Marcus... not... remember. Damn," Susan muttered, tears flowing down her cheeks
shamelessly, "I love him, so much. Never thought ...see him alive again... damn
him, he doesn't even remember me." She knocked back another shot. The
bartender came to refill her glass, but Carolyn waved her away.
"No thanks, I think that's enough for now," she said. The bartender shot her
a dark glance, but moved away. Turning back to Susan, she looked at the
other woman with compassion. Some where in her mind, anger directed towards
Alfred popped up. He had done this, no matter how indirectly, to Susan and
Marcus. The Corps stepped on individuals in order to pursue it's supposed
'golden destiny'.
"Susan," Carolyn reached a hand up and brought the other woman's gaze to
meet her own. She looked deep into the soulful blue eyes, so filled with
hurting and spoke with conviction, "there are mind blocks, he doesn't
remember you because those memories are closed off to him. But he hasn't
FORGOTTEN you," now she had Susan's attention, "Alfred had to keep going
back, trying to reinforce the blocks, but Marcus would crack them. Little
things got through, little things that came out in dreams. There was a
unicorn."
"A unicorn," Susan muttered, looking away, "of all the things... the unicorn,"
she looked at Carolyn, and the P12 swore she saw the hope spring to life in
the other woman's eyes, "Thank you."
"Don't mention it," Carolyn smiled, it wasn't much, but she felt like she
was slowly going back and smoothing over Alfred's wrong doings. Suddenly,
without her wanting it, a shiver passed though Carolyn. She was in trouble,
he would come for her, eventually...

-----------

    The next day, after her stomach had attempted to puke up her heart,
Susan cleaned up and went down to the room where Marcus Cole was in
protective custody. Her heart was in her throat, but she knew it was
something she had to do. Nodding to the guards, she took a deep breath and
entered. Marcus was sitting on the couch, leaned back, eyes closed, a cup of
tea sitting on the coffee table. He opened his eyes when he heard her, and
Susan swore, for a second, there was recognition, TRUE recognition, in his
eyes. But it faded as if it had never been.
"Hello," she murmured, very insecure.
"Hello," he seemed very glad to see her, "Since when does a Goddess come to
visit a mere mortal?" She felt warmth raise in her cheeks and smiled. He
offered her a seat and she took it, relaxing ever so slowly. Maybe there was
a chance for them after all...