THE BIG IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!

This is Prez coming to you from VPÕs bedroom.  VP is
currently relaxing on the bed with our co-hort and
friend Editor-at-Large.  Now that weÕve set the scene:
 weÕll begin this little introductionÉ

This is the Top secret project that weÕve been working
our butts off on for the past year!  We hope you enjoy
our little twisted tales of morbid cheer for our dear
lovely Mamo-chan ^_^ 

So sit back, pull up a chair, and be prepared to
ROFLYAO!

JYA!

~Mehg & Patch & Redrose



And now enjoy the 101 Ways . . . 



1.  Beware of Pianos Falling  By:  Patch
AN: Watch your step everyone. Ya never know *pops gum
obnoxiously* Obviously our dear Mamoru didnÕt.

It was a clear sunny day that found Mamoru walking
along the sidewalk. His nose and thoughts were
occupied in the latest physics book and he really
hadnÕt a clue as to what was going on in his
surroundings.

As mentioned, it was sunny... crazily so and the
author must stress that it was really, just very
sunny. As Mamoru walked along, totally engrossed in
the latest metaphysical ideologies of the scientific
world, he never took heed to notice the various
construction signs that were posted up and around. He
just kept passing them by, totally content and happy
in his very dorky-ish world of textbook reading.

As he walked, he came upon a passage in the text about
the latest findings on the Higgs Boson particle. He
read that scientists had LEP detector groups that were
reporting tentative evidence for a Higgs Boson
particle with a mass near 114 GeV/c2 . Now this was
just too exciting for Mamoru so he stopped his walking
in order to concentrate more on this fascinating bit
of information.

The sounds of construction and heavy machinery being
operated went unnoticed by him and so did the voice of
a man yelling ÒShimatta!Ó But after a few moments he
did come to realize that the area he was standing in
was becoming increasingly darker.

Confused, he looked up to see that any area two feet
ahead of him was bathed in sunshine but the particular
area he was standing in only seemed to be getting
darker and darker.

ÒHow strange,Ó he murmured. Was it some sort of
scientific phenomenon he wondered, his thoughts still
quite caught up in the scientific world, thus his
illogical reasoning.

He began to hear a strange whistling noise coming from
somewhere above him and looked up just in time to see
the four legs and underside of a piano headed straight
for him.

*KERPLANG!*



2.  Watch Your Step  By:  Mehg
AN: Have you ever just had one of those days? 

It was another ordinary day for Chiba Mamoru.  He put
on his lucky socks, brushed his teeth, flossed, and
had his usual cup of coffee.  The sun was shining and
the birds were singing.  The ordinary Mamoru locked
his apartment door behind him, slung his satchel
behind his shoulder, and whistled "Zippety Doo Dah" on
his way to college. 

Just then a short-pleated-skirt was in front of his
eyes.  He kept his gaze fixated on the swaying
swish-swish and didn't notice the construction signs
up ahead.  "DANGER!" They read. 

The unsuspecting, grinning individual just kept
walking until suddenly he took one step and felt air
beneath his shoe.  "WAHHHH!"  He screamed as he fell
down... down... down... through the open manhole.





3.  The Great Mamo-Plague  By:  Patch
AN: Big, black rats with red, swirly crazed eyes are
not pets. But big, black cats with red, swirly crazed
eyes make *fine* pets

ÒIsnÕt he the cutest Mamo-chan?Ó Usagi exclaimed,
holding up a small cage that held a black rat.

 ÒHe looks alright, but he sure has some strange
markings on his backÓ Mamoru answered, in reference to
the little white rings on the ratÕs back.

The two were in his apartment and Usagi had come to
visit him after a day of school.

ÒThat just makes him more unique. He must be a smart
too because he followed me home, just like a dog or a
cat. I donÕt think Luna would be too happy to have him
around so I thought you could use him as a good pet.Ó

ÒArigatou... demo, I donÕt know how to take care of a
rat.Ó

ÒWell, youÕve worked in a lab with these things in
them so figure it out. IÕve got to go home now. Ja
ne!Ó And with that Usagi shoved the cage into MamoruÕs
hands and flounced out of his apartment before he
could get a word in edgewise.

Mamoru groaned and then held up the cage to his face
to look inside. ÒOkay little guy. ItÕs just you and
me, so howÕs about we get something to eat, ne?Ó

He walked over to the kitchen and let the rat out and
then went to the fridge and took out a few slices of
cheese.

ÒI hope you donÕt mind Kraft Singles,Ó Mamoru muttered
and then broke of a piece and held it to the rat. The
rat took it gleefully and gobbled it up.

Mamoru, bored out of his mind, decided to have some
fun with the rat. Grinning, he broke off another piece
and held it for the rat to take. When the rodent
reached for it, Mamoru pulled his hand back, chuckling
a little.

ÒCÕmon little guy. What would you do for this yummy
cheese?Ó he asked, holding out the piece and then
pulling his hand away again as the rat reached for it.
He never noticed the rodents' beady little eyes slowly
turning a crazed, blood red.

ÒCÕmon, take it!Ó he teased. The rat, finally fed up,
took a leaping jump and latched onto MamoruÕs hand and
bit it.

ÒAarrgh! You little *beep*!! Get off you piece of
*beep*!! Darn *beep beep*!!! Son of a
*beeeeeeeeeeep*!!!Ó  (ANÕs: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
^_^)

He finally shook the rodent off and watched as it
scurried under the fridge.

ÒI hope you fry under there!Ó he yelled and then shook
his hand again. He let cold water run over it and then
wrapped it up in bandages.

ÒUngrateful little thing,Ó he muttered, sitting down
to watch the news.

ÒWe take you live to Tokyo Medical Labs where it has
been reported that the lethally dangerous, African
Moziquiqui rat has escaped. Residents are advised to
keep themselves and their pets indoors for the reason
that this rodent carries the Hoshahushahiqui Virus.Ó
ÒWow,Ó Mamoru mumbled, glued to the television set.

ÒDoctor, can you describe what this rodent looks like
and what the symptoms of this virus are in case anyone
has already been bitten.Ó

ÒWell, it looks like any ordinary black rat except for
one unique characteristic. It has these little white
rings on its back, indicating its origin and
deadliness.Ó

ÒNani?!Ó Mamoru shouted, jumping up. 

ÒAnd the symptoms, you ask? Well, as IÕve said before,
the Hoshahushahiqui Virus is quite lethal but the
first symptom is the sudden outbreak of
perspiration...Ó

Mamoru suddenly found sweat dripping from his face.

ÒThen the area that has been bitten begins to glow...Ó


Hesitatingly Mamoru looked down, only to let out an
Òeep!Ó when he saw an unearthly red glow from the
wound.

ÒThen little red spots appear everyone on the victimÕs
body...Ó

*Pop!*

ÒKami, no.Ó

*Pop!* *Pop!* *Pop!* *Pop!* *Pop!* *Pop!* *Pop!* 

ÒAnd then the victim just drops dead.Ó

ÒDamn.Ó

The curse was followed by a loud thump to the carpeted
floor. Can anyone guess what happened? ItÕs a trick
question ^_~


4.  Hop, Hop, ITAI!  By:  Mehg
AN: So we find ourselves during the Stars series. 
Let's all sit on the magic red carpet and play
pretend.  Say Usagi wailed, screamed, and kicked
refusing to calm down so Mamoru didn't board his
flight... so naturally he didn't lose his star seed
and was there during the Star's season ne??? 

"Usako!  We're going to be late!"  Mamoru called after
his fiancŽe. 

"Ne, Mamo-chan?  I'll be down in a second."  She
hollered from her room in the midst of painting her
tenth fingernail. 

Our dearest Mamo-chan apparently didn't hear her and
started up the stairs. Chibi-Chibi, adventurous,
kawaii, darling that we all come to love so much,
started down the stairs hungry for cake! 

Mamoru walked up the stairs gazing at the lovely
wallpaper that Ikuko had put around the home. 
Chibi-Chibi came hopping down the stairs.  Mamoru
oblivious to everything didn't realize what was
happening as he kept walking.  Suddenly Chibi-Chibi
encountered the stair that Mamoru was standing on. 
Directly underneath Mamo-chan, she jumped up. 
Mamoru's eyes widened and pain flashed in his eyes. 
Letting go of the railing he slipped and lost his
balance! Desperately he grasped for something... but
alas the railing was just out of reach. He tumbled end
over end backwards. A sickening crack was heard, and
then a thump! 

Usagi came running at hearing all the commotion. "IIE
MAMO-CHAN NO!" but unfortunately the crack, was the
sound of his neck, snapping on the last stair. 

Chibi-Chibi stuck her thumb in her mouth, cocked her
head to the side and said in her best kawaii tone...
"Chibi Chibi!" 



5. Fatal Mistake on the Sailor Moon Set By:  QS

A little known but interesting fact about heart
crystals is that they aren't merely the reflection of
a person's inner goodness, but actually ARE connected
to the physical body.   Why else would the characters
faces' turn gray when they're yanked out?  Here's why
we DIDN'T see Mamoru get his heart crystal stolen:

The director straightened his hat, and looked at his
two actors.   "Ok, Eudial, fire at will!" he said
cheerfully.

Mamoru shifted nervously.   "Are you sure this is
safe?"

"Come on!   You've seen Usagi, Rei, Ami, Minako and
Makoto have their heart crystals taken out- now it's
YOUR turn.   It'll hurt a little, but we'll put it
back ASAP"

Eudial smiled, aimed her gun and shot.   Everyone
watched as Mamoru's pure heart floated out, and Sailor
Moon bounded onto the scene, ready for her lines.

"How dare you attack him!" she said, then started to
pose.   She was cut off when Sailor Mercury walked
over to Mamoru and gulped.

"Um, minna?   We have a problem.... he's not
breathing."

Panic.   It took about fifteen minutes to figure out
exactly what had happened.

Apparently Mamoru had some kind of heart defect that
had gone unnoticed until his heart crystal had
forcibly been taken.

The director looked at where Sailor Moon was bawling
her eyes out over the dead man.   

"Dammit!   Someone get me those girls who make the
clones!   We need another one!    How many is that
this month?"

"Counting the new one, it's four, and we're not even
halfway through," Sailor Jupiter sighed.   

"Accounting is going to have a fit."



6.  A Simple Game  By:  Mehg
AN: *snickers* Patches and I agree that Clue is a
really fun game! I wonder what Mamo-chan thinks of it?


Mamoru and Usagi were playing an ordinary game of
Clue. Suddenly Mamoru rolled a five. "In the game you
must wait until the dice read five or eight?" An evil
voice cackled. Mamoru felt funny. His body suddenly
became even more two-dimensional. He shrieked as he
was transported into the board game. Usagi screamed
and ran from the house, chased by large do-do birds. 

Mamoru arrived and surveyed his surroundings. He
appeared to be within a mansion. Suddenly six nervous
people surrounded him. "Ah! Another person that can
blackmail us!" They all shrieked in unison. 

A man dressed in a green-blazer that rivaled Mamoru's
own pulled a revolver from his breast pocket and shot
him. A woman dressed in scarlet stabbed him with a
knife. A man smoking a pipe, with a plum-colored
jacket conked him over the head with a wrench. A woman
dressed in blue, with peacock feathers protruding from
her hat, produced a lead-pipe and whapped him over the
head. An old colonel eating a mustard-filled hotdog
reached behind him and beat Mamoru with a beautifully
polished candlestick. Last up, a woman in a white
apron fashioned a rope into a noose and strung him up
over the fireplace. 

The conclusion: Mr. Green with the revolver, Miss
Scarlet with the knife, Professor Plum with the
wrench, Mrs. Peacock with the lead-pipe, Colonel
Mustard with the candlestick, Mrs. White with the
rope, somewhere in a mansion... within a room
containing a fireplace. And one REALLY dead Mamo-chan!



7.  Oh Honey... You REALLY Shouldn't Have!  By:  Mehg
AN: This in no way is copied from Patches' "Sashimi"
fic. 

"Oh Mamo-chan, we're finally married!" Usagi exclaimed
joyously. "Now I can be the perfect wife and cook all
your meals!" 

Mamoru sweat dropped. "Anou- Usako-" 

She waved a finger playfully at him. "No buts
Mamo-chan! You'll never have to set foot in the
kitchen again!" he sighed and lowered his head in
consent. "And- I prepared a special meal for us!" She
clapped her hands in glee. Mamoru's face fell.
"Curry!" 

They sat at the table and each took a bite. Mamoru had
never tasted something so horrible in his life. He
vowed to never consume anything Usagi made him ever
again. With that vow in mind, Mamoru grew increasingly
thin... never eating a thing. By the end of the week
Mamoru was thinner than a rail... and quite dead. 



8. Door slams on his Nose  By:  QS

Chiba Mamoru had a lovely face.   Eyes to drown in,
beautifully arched eyebrows, a firm mouth, wonderful
skin... the list went on and on.   Little did he
realize that one of those  features would be the death
of him.

Mamoru was walking into the Crown Arcade Game Center,
dreaming of a pair of beautiful Saffir eyes and soft,
rosy lips.   He had a date with Usagi in the evening,
and he could hardly wait- not that he was going to let
anyone know that.   It would ruin his image.

He was so immersed in his own thoughts that he didn't
notice the door shutting, and in a move worthy of
Usagi, slammed face-first into the door.

No, I'm not a doctor so I can't give you all the
gruesome details in those doctor-ish terms.  

What?   You still want to know what happened?  Ok....

Well, the cartilage in his nose was hit at the wrong
angle.   It slammed upward into his brain, and
well.... you can't live when your brain resembles a
nice bowl of mash potatoes.



9.  Another day at the Mall  By:  Liz-chan
AN:  I work at JCPenney, I thought it would be funny
to toss Mamoru into my world...  JCP LOVE!	

After an already LONG day of shopping with Usagi,
Mamoru was ready to call it quits.  He struggled under
the heavy weight of the twenty bags his girlfriend had
already acquired from the 100 shops they had already
been through.

ÒOh look Mamo-chan, JCPenney!  We have to go there
next.Ó Usagi squealed with delight, tugging gently on
MamoruÕs arm.
	
ÒUsako, you already spent all the money your mother
gave you.  What do you have left?Ó he was staring up
at the three story building, dread filling his heart.
	
ÒYours.Ó she pulled him through the doors and into the
entrance.  ÒWow, this store must be brand new.  IÕm
going to go look in the petite department.  Why donÕt
you go upstairs to the MenÕs department and look for
something for yourself.  You deserve it Mamo-chan!Ó 
With those words, Usagi raced out of his view.

He found the escalator and soon found himself
surrounded by nice looking ties and dress shirts.  He
shifted the bags in his arms and started to look
around for something he might like.  He wandered
through the suit department, looking for another green
jacket.  When he didnÕt find any, he noticed that he
was by two large doors with a sign that read: Only
Authorized Employees Past This Point.  Considering it
was English, Mamoru had no real clue what it said and
processed through them anyway.

Huge boxes, hangers, and rack and rack of clothing
surrounded him.  There was a soft humming noise coming
from the back corner that immediately attracted his
attention.  He pushed his way back through, packages
and all and found what looked to be a cardboard box
crusher.

Mamoru had never seen one of these before and he
ventured closer to get a better look.  He peered into
the opening, looking down into the darkness.  Suddenly
he heard a loud thump as one of the packages slipped
out of his arms and into the machine.  He carefully
set the rest of the parcels down and climbed inside,
his Usagi would never forgive him if he lost one of
her new things.

At that same moment Bill, the maintenance guy walked
into the back room with a cart full of empty boxes.
One by one he dropped them into the compactor, never
hearing MamoruÕs cries as they hit him in the head. 
He paused for a second, hearing faint crying coming
from somewhere nearby.  He shrugged and pulled the
lever anyway.

ÒWhere did all these bags come from?  Oh well, theyÕre
mine now.Ó Bill gathered up the bags and carried them
back to his office admiring his new things.  Though
what was he going to do with a pink silk teddy?



10.  The Trouble With Angry Fathers...  By:  Mehg
AN: Hehe just think of SerenaÕs dadÕs temper and what
if our Mamo-chan werenÕt as honorable as usual? 

ÓDarien, you should go now.  My father will be home
any minute.Ó  Serena giggled.

ÒDonÕt worry about him, weÕre almost done.Ó  He
murmured kissing his way down SerenaÕs neck. 

Just then footsteps started up the stairs.  ÒSERENA!Ó

ÒOh s***!Ó Darien yelled when SerenaÕs irate father
burst into the room. 

One week Later...
 
"Bring him in!" Serena's father yelled! He fastened a
noose around the condemned's neck, tied to the tree
branches above. 

"Papa! Please don't do this!" Serena shrieked. Her
mother covered her eyes and slowly led Serena away.
The condemned closed his eyes and prayed as the stool
he was supported by was kicked away. Darien's lifeless
body rocked to and fro. 



11. Stuffed in Oven  By:  QS

"My, granny.... what big TEETH you have...." Mamoru
said, leaning closer to Beryl, who was currently
dressed up as his grandmother, lying in a bed and
looking at him with predatory eyes.   

"The better to-"

"WAIT A SECOND HERE!" Haruka said, darting in and
interrupting the scene.   "We're keeping this PG 13!""

Beryl pouted, but stood up.   "You're SO not fair! And
I think you would understand, Sailor-"

"DON'T even GO there!" Haruka snapped.   "Ok, a new
fairy tale..."

"How about Hansel and Gretal?" Michiru suggested.  

"I'm not doing that!" Mamoru protested.

"Why not?" Haruka growled, and Michiru crossed her
arms across her chest, glaring.   

"Because Hansel gets shoved into an oven and DIES!" he
protested.

"So?   We'll get another Mamoru," Haruka said.

"I'm NOT doing that!"

"You are to!"

"Are not!

"Are to!"

"Are not!"

"I'm not arguing."  Haruka grabbed him around the
collar and before he was able to get free, shoved him
into an oven.   "Start the flames, Rei-chan!"

Rei, who had no idea what the Wind Senshi had just
done, obligingly sent some flames into the oven.  

"That smells a little odd..." she said.

Beryl just started to sulk and carry on.



12.  Sleeping Dumb@$$...  By:  Shana

Once upon a time, in a far off land, there lived a
young and dashing Prince named Mamoru.  He was in love
with the beautiful Princess Usagi.  They had plans to
marryÉbut darkness shrouded their every doing.   An
evil witch, Beryl, was in love with our HERO.  But he
refused her every charm and wile.  It all came down to
the itsy bitsy fact that he didn't have a *thing* for
redheads.  

Bitter and feeling really old, Beryl decided to cast a
spell on Mamoru thus ruining everyone's sex life.
Knowing how fond he was of roses, she secretly planted
a bush on the path where he took his daily walk. 
Overnight the roses bloomedÉthe color of blood.   The
next morning, bright and early at eight AM, Mamoru
went for his invigorating walk.  Seeing the bush he
stopped to admire its wonderful roses.  In the middle
was the tallest and proudest of the flowers, gleaming
in the sunlight.  Awed, Mamoru bent forward to pick
it.  A thorn pricked his finger and Mamoru collapsed
to the ground.   

A bwhahahaha could be heard throughout the land. 
Poor, poor Mamoru.  The witch had cast a spell on that
rose and now Mamoru would sleep for eternity.  But
Usagi knew her fairy tales.   So she climbed the tower
to her belovedÉand there he lay, with hair as dark as
midnight falling on his pale brow.   She bent forward
and noticed with disgust that Mamoru's ruby red lips
puckered with anticipation.  "Forget this!"  She
muttered.  "I want a real man!"  And so she left
Mamoru sleeping only to run off with her *real* man,
Steven Segal.  And Mamoru never awoke.



13.  Mamoru Makes Patch Unhappy  By:  Patch
AN: Careful now, you donÕt want to see a Mamo-chan
deprived Patch on her birthday. Patch: I am Queen!
ItÕs my birthday! I demand to see a Mamoru nekkid now!
*Narrator cringes and runs*

It was one of the most important days of the year. It
was a day when the whole world had to stop whatever it
was doing and pay homage... to Patch. Why, you ask?
Why, it was her birthday, thatÕs why. And on PatchÕs
birthday... her 18th birthday to be exact, everything
had to go as planned and she had to be kept happy and
content. Woe to those responsible if things went
wrong. 

Now, this birthday would be a surprise party... as
planned by Patch and there would be many surprises for
the birthday girl... all planned by the birthday girl
herself, Patch. -_-0 Things were going according to
schedule, the balloons came in, the flowers were all
there, the food had arrived and the most important of
all, a huge cake now sat in the middle of the hall.

The time arrived for Patch to enter and everyone took
their positions as the lights were dimmed in the hall.
A door creaked open, and Patch walked in, blindly
grasping for the switch. She didnÕt need to, as it was
suddenly flipped on and hundreds of people popped up
shouting, ÒSurprise! Happy Birthday!Ó

Patch gasped in shock, amazement and delight
*coughallfakecough*, bringing a hand to her heart from
being so surprised.

ÒWow! This is for me? All for me?! Oh my gosh! I
couldnÕt have planned it better myself,Ó she exclaimed
in joy. -_-0

Her eyes traveled over to the huge cake and her smile
became even wider.

ÒItÕs a surprise, dear,Ó her mother said.

ÒOh really?!Ó Patch squealed. ÒI wonder what it could
be?!  

*Coughfakewonderingcough*

Everyone hushed down and held their breaths in
suspense. A waiter went over to cut the first slice
and by some unknown mechanical trigger, the top part
of the cake popped open. Everyone gasped and with
baited breaths wondered who would be the top
surprise... but no one came out... no one.

ÒWhat the heck is this?!Ó Patch exclaimed in anger. ÒI
planned that surprise myself and I fully expected a
nekkid Mamo-chan to come out wearing only a bow tie,
sun glasses, and a strategically placed ribbon that
said ÔHappy Birthday PatchÕ in gold. Where is my
nekkid Mamo-chan?!Ó she asked, stamping her foot for
emphasis.

Suddenly the front door squeaked open and everyone
turned to see who the late comer was. Why, it was none
other than our dear Mamoru, green blazer and all.

ÒBaka!Ó Patch screeched. ÒWhat are you doing out here,
fully clothed, when you know you are supposed to be in
there wearing your birthday clothes!Ó she yelled,
gesturing with her hands.

ÒOh. I forgot.Ó

ÒNani?! You forgot!! You just spoiled my whole
birthday! IÕll show you forgot!Ó she whipped out a
state-of-the-art rocket blaster, got down on one knee
and blew our Mamoru to bits and pieces so fast, people
were left blinking.

ÒDamn,Ó someone muttered, Òthat was pretty efficient.Ó

Patch blew the top of the smoking blaster and then
looked around. ÒI need a hot, sexy, young man with
rock hard abs to get into that cake right now. Any
questions?Ó

Everyone shook their heads as 12 men hurriedly
complied. The rest of the evening went quite well...
*narrator clasps hands and bows head* and we still
thank the Lord to this day for that. 	



14.  QS just kills him  By:  QS

"HOW DARE YOU LOOK SO MUCH LIKE MY SAFFIR-CHAN!"
Quicksilver screamed in rage.

"If anything, he looks like ME!" Mamoru retorted
angrily.

"Mamoru no BAKA!" Quicksilver shrieked.

THUMP!

"Uh-oh.... really, girls, I didn't mean to hit him
that hard...."



15.  Tug of War  By:  Mehg
AN: The funniest thing about this one is... I can
actually see this happening... I mean have you guys
seen the way they fight over Mamo-chan?? Demo-- who
could blame them ne?? Mamoru walked over to the
Tsukino residence eager to see his "Usagis!" There
wasn't a cloud in the sky, a perfect day for a picnic!
In a flurry of pink cotton candy and odangos he was
surrounded. Chibi-Usa latched onto his left side and
Usagi attached to his right. 

"Mamo-chan I want to go shopping!" Chibi-Usa whined
tugging Mamoru towards the right. 

"Iie Chibi-Usa-chan! Mamo-chan and I are going on a
picnic as planned!" she announced tugging him the
opposite direction. 

"Dame Usagi-no-baka! Mamo-chan and I are going
shopping!" she growled gripping Mamoru tighter. 

"Picnic!" 

"Shopping! It's too damn hot to be outside!" 

Mamoru decided to put in his own two-cents. "Anou...
you both are pulling a little hard..." 

"URUSEI!" They screamed as one and pulled the opposite
direction further and further. Usagi grinned and
wrapped her leg around a pole. Chibi-Usa scowled and
walked behind a car. They yanked... they pulled...
Mamoru's screams echoed throughout the streets of
Tokyo as he was ripped in two. 



16.  Deep Submergey!  By:  Mehg
AN: This one is dedicated to Baka who gave me the idea
on how this could come to be... *snickers* I guess we
all are true ecchi's deep down ne? 

...The battle was nearly won! "Deep-" Sailor Uranus
feeling feisty leant over and pinched Sailor
Neptune's- ahem. Sailor Neptune shocked and
scandalized threw her hands upward! "...Submerge!" 

The attack spun towards the prone Tuxedo Kamen perched
in the tree. He was (literally) liquefied in a matter
of seconds. 

"Oops..." Sailor Uranus muttered. Sailor Neptune shot
her a dirty look and then turned around for home.



17.  The Perfect Evening  By:  Mehg
AN: Ladies and Gentlemen: May I present pure
stupidity.

Mamoru was elated.  Usagi was going to be home late
from work, and he wanted everything to be perfect.  He
produced rose after endless rose, blanketing the
apartment in them and then lit bunches of candles
located all over the space they shared.  Walking back
towards the bathroom he turned on the bathtub and
watched as the water slowly filled the tub.  Pouring
in a bottle of bath oils he stood up and walked around
fixing minor trivial things here and there.

Inspiration striking he ran back into their bedroom
and grabbed the portable stereo.  Setting it on the
rim above the bathtub he plugged the machine into the
wall next to him and pressed play, and soon a soft
lilting song was heard.  Usako loved Celine Dion.

Finally satisfied that everything was perfect he
walked back into the kitchen and pulled out the lovely
roast he had spent preparing the past two hours. 
Waving the potholder over it he was rewarded with the
delicious scent of cooked meat. (AN: although it might
not be as delicious as yourself ^_^ )   He set the
table and then proceeded to light the long white
tapers.

Reaching over the lit candle with his arm, unbeknownst
to Mamo-chan, his sleeve erupted into flames.  Mamoru
stepped back to survey his handiwork when the doorbell
rang.  Walking towards the door he was dismayed to
smell smoke.  Then a sharp pain!

His eyes looked down in horror at the rapidly
spreading flame now spreading to his chest. 
Remembering the full tub, Mamoru sprinted for the
bathroom.  Desperately flinging himself for the
bathtub he pushed the stereo out of his way.  Mamoru
watched in horror as the lyrics to Falling into You
fell into the warm water with him.
 
Usagi- highly annoyed finally found her key and shoved
it into the lock... she tiptoed throughout the
apartment and then came across the bathroom.

"MAMO-CHAN!"

El fin



18.  The Assassin -- With a twist  By:  Elysia
AN: BIG IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!
Prez: Guess Mamo-chanÕs time is up!
VP: and pun intended!
Prez: Can he beat the clock?
VP:  The seconds tick by as Mamo races to complete his
missionÉ
Prez: Can he succeed?

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to
get rid of this," she replied while holding up a
picture. 

His mouth dropped. "THAT? That's my mission? You've
got to be kidding. I get it, I'm on Surprising Camera,
right?" 

"This is no joke. Do you want this mission or not?
Because I'm sure I could come up with something else
to entertain you in the mean time..." 

His face went pale. "Uhhh.... I think I'll go ahead
with this one. Heaven knows what kind of situation
you'd get me into if I let you have your way." 

Lurking amongst the shadows, he slipped into the dim
room, looking for the target. Suddenly, he spotted it.
The thing he was supposed to get rid of. He reached
for it -- And the lights flickered on. 

"AHHHH! What are you doing in my room? Get out get out
GET OUT!" She started kicking and beating the
intruder, who had no chance of surviving this fatal
mission. And all because he was supposed to get rid of
an alarm clock. 



19.  Off With His Head!  By:  Mehg
AN:  *giggles* And to think this next one was inspired
by acid!  DonÕt do drugs!

Usagi and Mamoru were enjoying a lovely picnic for
two.  Mamoru was ecstatic, it was the first time in
WEEKS; that the pesky senshi hadnÕt been there to
bother his Usako and him.  ÒMamo-chan, itÕs so nice
here.Ó

ÒHai,Ó Mamoru agreed pulling Usagi closer against his
body.  

Usagi yawned, and then snuggled closer; ÒI think IÕm
going to take a nap, the sandwich made me sleepy.  Or
maybe it was the rice cakes, or the cookies or the
juice, or the grapes or the-Ò  

Mamoru quieted Usagi with a kiss.  ÒHush now Usako,
letÕs enjoy the quiet.Ó  Usagi smiled and nodded, then
lay down.

Mamoru had just closed his eyes when he felt an elbow
dig into his stomach.  ÒMAMO-CHAN!!  Did you see?  Did
you see that white bunny?Ó

ÒIie.Ó He responded weakly gasping for air.  Usagi
leapt off of him and stood up pointing towards the
disappearing white rabbit.  

ÒMamo-chan!  MAMO-chan.Ó She ordered.  Mamoru
obediently rose, clutching his injured self and turned
to his girlfriend.  ÒLetÕs go get him!Ó  She giggled,
and then took off running after the rodent; with
Mamoru dutifully following behind her.  

ÒWhere did he go Usako?Ó  Mamoru asked winded.

Usagi didnÕt answer then pointed with a slender finger
in the direction of the hedge.  ÒOnegai Mamo-chan, I
canÕt go in there with my dress.Ó

Mamoru rolled his eyes heavenward and then trudged
through the bushes, searching for the elusive rodent. 
ÒWhere are you bunny?  IÕm going to strangle you once
I findÉ YOU-AHHHHH!Ó *THUD* 

A short time later Mamo-chan woke up and found himself
surrounded in a garden full of rose-trees!  Thinking
that heÕd be safer as his alter ego he transformed
into Tuxedo Kamen and started trudging through the
strange garden.  

A few minutes passed and he heard voices.  He was then
astounded to see what looked like a deck of playing
cards marching his way!  He yelped and began pelting
roses at the cards, pinning them against one another
until his arm hurt from throwing them all.  Cries for
help came from all the cards and a large rather
sinister looking woman strode down the path.  

She examined her fallen army, and shrieked when she
saw the weapon used!  ÒWHO DARES DESTROY MY ROSES?Ó 
Tuxedo Kamen was the only one in view and she
bellowed, ÒOFF WITH HIS HEAD!Ó

ÒNo wait, you have to understand, these are my roses!Ó
 Tuxedo Kamen argued trying to fend off the next deck
of cards.  ÒWhat is wrong with you people?  ArenÕt you
playing with a full deck?!Ó  

ÒOFF WITH HIS HEAD!Ó  The Queen of Hearts bellowed
again.   The cards finally managed to pin him to the
ground and then the main executioner card raised the
mighty ax and with a final shriek from the queen, ÒOFF
WITH HIS HEAD!Ó  Tuxedo Kamen-sama was beheaded.  


20.	Chemistry Lesson -- Minako style  By:  Elysia

"Mamoru-san, arigatou for agreeing to help me out with
chemistry. It's one of my hardest subjects." 

"No problem Minako-chan, at least you ask for help. I
can never get Usako in here even if it meant her
life." Mamoru smiled slightly. "Usako doesn't really
care for science, no matter how much I've tried to
warm her up to it." 

"Warm her up to it? What do you mean by that,
Mamoru-san?" Minako asked slyly. 

A large sweatdrop appeared on Mamoru's head. "Uhhh...
let's just get started on the chemistry, ne? Where do
we begin?" 

The bubbly blonde pointed to a formula in the book.
I'm supposed to find these two chemicals, and mix them
together to make this one." She pointed to several
vials sitting on the counter in Mamoru's kitchen. "I
think it was these two... or maybe it was these two
instead. I don't really remember." Minako grabbed four
different colored vials and poured one by one into a
large beaker. 

Mamoru's eyes widened. "Are you sure you know what
you're doing? Let me see those chemicals before you
mix them completely, Minako-chan." 

Minako cheerfully gave Mamoru the beaker, spilling
some on him in the process. A loud boom and a large
amount of smoke suddenly filled the room. "Oops, gomen
nasai, Mamoru-san. Daijobu ka?" 

But Mamoru was nowhere to be seen. Minako checked all
around the kitchen, but there was no sign of him. Just
as she was going to check the other room, Minako heard
a small squeaking noise. She cringed. 'Please tell me
Mamoru-san doesn't have mice in his apartment.' Then
something moving on the counter caught her eye. As she
looked closer, Minako was shocked to see that the
moving object was Mamoru -- at 1/8th of his size!
Minako's eyes widened and she took a deep breath. 

"How am I ever going to tell Usagi-chan that I shrank
Mamoru-san?" 

*giggles evilly* Now tell me THAT's been done
before....



21.  Death by Impalement  By:  Patch
AN: *sings* Like a virginÉ touched for the very first
time! Mehg: -.-00 *whaps Patch* HENTAI!

ÒIsnÕt this so exciting, Mamo-chan? Look, thereÕs
Elvis Presley! And look, Princess Diana!Ó Usagi pulled
her boyfriend over to the wax statues of Madame
TousseadÕs Museum. It was an event that was running
only for a short while in Tokyo and Usagi would not
allow herself to miss it. And like those torturous
shopping trips, Mamoru didnÕt mind being dragged along
with Usagi this time. He was just as eager as her to
see the amazing look-a-likes of famous people.

ÒOooh! Brad Pitt!Ó He swiveled his head at the sound
of his girlfriendÕs excited squeal and frowned. Usagi
was fawning over the statue of the popular movie star
as though he were real. He really had to put an end to
that. He was the only man for Usagi and unlike Mr.
Pitt, he didnÕt have wax for brains.

Allowing himself a cheesy grin for that joke, he
walked over to UsagiÕs side and tapped her on the
shoulder. She whirled around with a wide smile on her
face. 

ÒHe looks so good up close, donÕt you think,
Mamo-chan?Ó

ÒErmÉ well, actually-Ó

But he wasnÕt able to finish as Usagi interrupted him
and continued to gush over the molded man otherwise
known as Brad Pitt.

Mamoru rolled his eyes and continued to let Usagi talk
as he examined the statue next to the Pitt one. His
eyes widened as he realized it was Madonna from her
early years. And as his gaze traveled over her form,
his eyes widened.

ÒOroÉÓ His eyes now beheld some very pointy looking
cones and when he saw what part (rather parts) of the
body there were attached to, he immediately blushed.
But just as quickly, the blush disappeared and a
mischievous smile appeared on his face. 

Reaching behind him, he pulled Usagi to his side, with
the grin still on his face. ÒHey, can you imagine our
make out sessions if you had ones like these? ArenÕt
you glad yours arenÕt as pointy as these babies?Ó

He turned, still smiling, to meet the fuming face of a
middle aged woman. 

ÒHENTAI!Ó She screeched, whapping him in the face with
her bag. The strength of that hit caused Mamoru to
swivel around and land on MadonnaÉ and her pointy
babies. Voila! Instant impalement.



22.  ?Es Muy Malo Fortuna si?  By:  Mehg
AN: Ok so I'm sure my Spanish has slipped since summer
began... hey give me a break!  It's about 3 in the
morning and all that good stuff!   So...just bear with
it ne? 

Mamoru's donkey was weary.  He had been riding the
poor thing for days throughout Mexico's mountainous
terrain.  After the third day with no water, the poor
animal collapsed.  Mamoru had given up hope and lay
next to the now dead animal and thought of all the
things he could have accomplished throughout his life.
  The sun beat down on his reddening skin and around
midday Mamoru passed out. 

"?Que es?" an old man asked pointing at Mamoru from
the distance.  They walked closer and gasped in shock
when they realized their discovery. 

"?Un hombre de muerto?" The younger man looked and
then nodded. 

"Si." The older man agreed. 

"?Te gustas?" the younger man asked. 

The older man nodded enthusiastically.  "Si.  !Los
ninos tienen un nuevo jugete!" 

The younger man smiled.  "Si.  ?Una pinata?" 

The older man's grin grew ever more.  "Si." 

The two demented men carried Mamoru's body to the
middle of the town.  There a large cactus erupted from
the cracked ground. 

"!Es buen fortuno que este hombre muerto!  !Aye! !Aye!
!Aye!"  He chuckled wrapping a rope around Mamoru's
body.  The men worked for quite some time until they
had Mamoru so tightly bound that a finger couldn't
even move.  They tied a rope around his ankles and
hoisted him up on the cactus. 

The villagers came running. "!SI! !SI!"  They shouted.
 The children ran back to their rooms and retrieved
their sticks.  Mamoru opened his eyes and discovered
he was swinging upside down and that he couldn't move!
 He tried to yell but a dirty rag had been jammed
inside his mouth. 

He looked down in horror and noticed a child holding a
long stick grinning wickedly up at Mamoru. 

"!Paco! !Paco!"  All the children shouted.  The whole
town gathered around grinning at the spectacle. 
*THWACK* 

Mamoru's eyes bugged out as the sudden shock of pain
swept through his body.  He swung there unable to do
anything.  Another child stepped up and this time hit
hard enough that he swung into the cactus. 

Thus Mamoru suffered much... in between being beat
with a stick, from the children of the village; and
then gauged on the cactus.  He mercifully... after a
good two hours... died. 

After the fun was over the men took him down.  "!OH
NO!" The younger man shouted. 

"?Que pasa?"  the older man asked. 

"El no muerto..." 

The older man grinned.  "Si." 

The younger man looked at his elder in shock.  Then
they both burst out laughing.  Their laughter echoed
throughout the mountains... 



23.	Little Masked Riding Hood  By:  Liz-chan
AN: awww, MamoruÕs on his way to grandmaÕs house, how
sweet.  But will he get there...

There once was a young fellow named Mamoru, he was
tall, strong and handsome.  He drove all the woman
wild with desire.  And he looked great in a pair of
tights.

ÒMust I wear these things?!  I look so stupid!Ó Mamoru
interrupted suddenly.

Yes!  For the LAST time you must!  You shouldnÕt have
volunteered to step in for Rei if you didnÕt want to
wear tights!

ÒOh all right...Ó

Where was I, yes well, Mamoru had a grandmother and
she was very ill and had no more medicine left to take
so she could get better.

ÒWhat about the dress?  Do I have to wear the dress?Ó 
Mamoru spoke up again, holding up a cute little red
dress and cloak.

YES MAMORU YOU MUST!!!!

ÒGeez, I was just asking...Ó he struggled into the
dress and tied the cloak around his neck.

It was MamoruÕs duty to his grandmother to see that
she got her new prescription delivered before
nightfall, so he started along the dirt path through
the forest, skipping as he went.

ÒThereÕs no way IÕm skipping Liz, I refuse!Ó he
crossed his arms over his chest and wouldnÕt budge
from his spot at the beginning of the path.

Damn it Mamoru, IÕm narrating this story and what I
say goes!  Just do it all right!

Mamoru started to skip down the path toward grandmaÕs
house, grumbling all the way.

It didnÕt take long to reach the house, and Little Red
Riding Mamoru let himself in.  But what he didnÕt know
is that a big bad ugly wolf had eaten his grandmother
and taken her place in the bed.

Mamoru opened his mouth to speak, without any
enthusiasm, ÒOh grandma, I brought you medicine so you
can get better more quickly.Ó 

AHEM!

ÒOH grandma!  I brought you medicine so you can get
better more quickly!Ó 

Much better
	
ÒCome closer my dear, so I can get a better look at
you.Ó  The wolf said in a raspy voice, 
ÒDear God, you are the ugly girl I have ever seen!Ó

Mamoru dropped the basket on the ground, ÒLook here,
you stupid creature.  I got roped into this by my
girlfriend because her best friend that was supposed
to do this but she got sick.Ó

ÒAnd youÕre the best they could come up with?Ó the
wolf started to laugh until tears rolled down his
hairy face

ÒLaugh it up fuzzball, because now youÕre going to
pay.Ó Mamoru lept on top of the wolf and started to
beat the living crap out of him.

Mamoru!  Mamoru!  Stop it, this isnÕt how itÕs
supposed to go!  Little Red Riding Hood doesnÕt beat
up the wolf!

Suddenly, without warning the wolf opened itÕs large
mouth revealing a set of gleaming sharp teeth.  In one
fell swoop he bit MamoruÕs head clean off.  MamoruÕs
headless body tumbled to the floor of the makeshift
cottage and the wolf tore off the nightgown and cap.

ÒSorry about that.Ó 
	
ItÕs okay, weÕll find someone else.  Is Chibi Usa
around here anywhere?



24.  Acupuncture by Nail Gun  By:  Patch
AN: Ooch, Ow *cringes* Ouch *winces* ITAI! *dies*

ÒSo, where are you all taking me?Ó

ÒItÕs a surprise!Ó

On this bright and cheery day, Mamoru could be found
blindfolded and being led down the sidewalk by the
Senshi and his girlfriend.

ÒYou will absolutely love this Mamo-chan,Ó Usagi
gushed, hanging on to her boyfriendÕs arm.

ÒWill I *like* this surprise?Ó Mamoru asked
doubtfully.

ÒSince when has anyone not liked my surprises?Ó Usagi
asked hotly.

Everyone sweatdropped at that asinine question but
everyone in the group knew better than to say anything
in response.

They all finally stopped in front of a building and
led Mamoru inside. 

 ÒSurprise!Ó Everyone yelled.

Someone tugged off his blindfold and Mamoru found
himself facing a big gift certificate being held by
Usagi.

ÒWe all decided that you had to deal with way too much
stress during finals week so we got you an afternoon
here at the Alternative Treatment Center for some good
olÕ acupuncture!Ó

ÒAcupuncture?Ó Mamoru yelled. The thought of someone
sticking needles into him did not sit in his stomach
very well. But he didnÕt want to disappoint his
friends and girlfriend so he managed a weak smile.
ÒArigatou minna. What a great gift.Ó

ÒYouÕll have so much fun and itÕs just so relaxing,Ó
Makoto said, smiling brightly.

ÒAnd your appointment begins... right now!Ó Usagi
added, pushing Mamoru towards a door where an
attendant of the Center was waiting. ÒYouÕll have a
great time! See you soon!Ó

Mamoru waved to everyone and then went into the room
where he took off his clothes and lay on the table, a
towel wrapped around his waist as the attendant had
told him to do.

Soon enough he heard the door open and watched a
man... a *very* old man walk in, hunched over and
practically shaking with age in every step he took.
His head was bald and covered with age spots and
wrinkles. A long gray mustache fell from his upper lip
coming down to his chest.

ÒErm.. ohayo,Ó Mamoru said nervously, looking at the
man doubtfully.

ÒJust relax son, you will enjoy this tremendously,Ó
the elderly man said, fumbling around a bit and
walking towards Mamoru with a strange looking object
in his hands.

ÒNani?! IsnÕt that a nail gun??Ó Mamoru yelled, rising
up.

With surprisingly strong hands, the old man pushed him
back down and smiled, showing toothless gums and a few
rotted teeth. ÒThe latest technology, son. Now just
relax.Ó

The man stuffed a few needles in the ÔgunÕ and then
aimed it at MamoruÕs back. ÒYou are the first patient
we are trying this on and hopefully this new procedure
will work.Ó

The man pulled the trigger and needle shot out... but
instead of gently lodging into MamoruÕs skin, it
plunged through and killed him instantly.

ÒKuso,Ó the man mumbled, ÒI better not be sued for
malpractice. IÕm too old for that kind of stuff.Ó   


25.  When Death Comes a KnockinÕ  By:  Patch
AN: ÔCause hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

On a sunny afternoon, Mamoru could be found making tea
for himself. He whistled a little ditty to himself as
he poured the tea into the mug and then set it to cool
off a bit. He was feeling quite chipper that day, for
reasons unknown to everyone, even himself. 

It was just one of those days, he thought, when
everything looks like itÕll be going your way. How
wonderful, he thought. 

(AN: *coughdeathcough*)

He heard a knock on his door and smiled. It was
probably Motoki or Usagi. Either way, he would be
happy to see either.

Walking over, he swung the door open, his mouth open
to greet whoever it was. His smile turned into a frown
when he realized the person in front of him was not
Usagi nor Motoki. In fact it didnÕt look human.

A long black cloak covered most of the figure and he
swore he saw a bony hands holding that really...
sharp... pointy looking scythe.

ÒI am Death,Ó the figure rumbled.

ÒEr, little kid, Halloween is not celebrated here and
if it were, itÕs the wrong month,Ó Mamoru answered.

ÒI am Death,Ó the figure said again.

ÒRight. Here, you can have this piece of gum,Ó Mamoru
said, taking a piece chewing gum out of his pocket.
ÒItÕs not much, but it should suffice, ne?Ó

ÒI want your soul,Ó the figure said, lifting one bony
finger towards Mamoru.

ÒWell, you canÕt have it,Ó Mamoru replied stubbornly,
crossing his arms.

That gave the figure a moment to pause. ÒDemo... you
have to give it to me. I am... Death.Ó

ÒWell, thatÕs too bad because the sun is shining, the
birds are chirping and IÕm going to go take a walk in
the park,Ó Mamoru said, trying to walk pass the
black-robed figure.

ÒDamn,Ó Death muttered, Òalways have to do this the
hard way.Ó And with that he lifted his scythe and... 

*sings* 

Chop goes Ma-mo-ru!

Feedback is very much appreciated ^.~

Stay tuned for more . . . 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

=====
Lavender
http://www.geocities.com/patch_kana

~*Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it*~ -Anonymous

~*If I always did what I was told I would never accomplish anything*~ -Anonymous