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NO MORE JEDI FOR ME
Anakin's thoughts on his journey to the Dark Side...
By Ruby-Flame Jedi Queen
miriam_am@yahoo.com
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Fire is burning across my eyelids.  I feel murderous. 

This is as mad as I have ever been before.
Padme is missing.  And my mother died.  All in one
day.
The jedi council should have let me go to Tatooine. 
It is their fault that my mother is dead.  And Obi-Wan
did nothing to help.  I want to kill him.  THEY LET MY
MOTHER DIE!
Just like that.
And now my wife is gone as well.  What's living my
life FOR anymore?  HUH?  Nothing.  I don't care.  But
before I go, I need to pay everyone back.
I was made an offer.  Palpatine said that I could get
my revenge.  By joining the dark side.  
I am thinking about it.
Warnings go off everywhere in my head.
But the jedi told me those warnings, and the jedi are
wrong about everything.  They sit on their lazy arses
all day and do nothing while people die.  
I don't take pride in being a jedi, not anymore.
I was SO naive as a child.
Now, I know the truth.

Maybe I should join the dark side.
Maybe I should...
*****************************

Obi-Wan and I are currently in a raging battle.  Not
practice this time.  I'm not laughing this time.  I
want Obi-Wan DEAD!  Padme.  She's dead now.  That's
what everyone thinks.  The search parties are being
called off.  
My mom is definitely dead.
Does Obi-Wan care?
Probably.
But has he tried to look for Padme?
No.
I cannot feel her when I reach out with the force. 
She MUST be dead.
She IS dead.
I should be dead.
EVERYONE SHOULD BE DEAD!
Mom.  My dear mother.  I WILL avenge you.
Ami, my beautiful, sweet wife.  I WILL avenge you.
I'm going to choose the Dark Side.  I think.
What else can I do with my life?  I mean, don't get me
wrong, I hate Palpatine.
But I hate the jedi more.

HISS! KSHHHHHHHHHH.....
Our lightsabers are locked against each other.
I HATE OBI-WAN.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
I'm falling!
SHAVIT!
That stupid liar just pushed me back.
OW!  OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
I... I....I'm in a pool of lava.  The heat is
suffocating.  And the pain blinding.  HELP ME!
HELP, OBI-WAN!  HELP ME!
***************************************

It was not Obi-Wan who rescued me.  It was Palpatine. 
I told him my decision the moment I woke up, and my
thoughts returned.  Now, I am only half human.  And
half machine.
Curse Obi-Wan and that lava pit.  Padme wouldn't want
to see me if she was alive.  I look like a monster. 
Maybe I am one.  
No, no, the jedis are the monsters.  
I have made the right decision to go to the Dark Side.
 The jedi WILL pay.
********************************************

It's been two months since I went to the Dark Side.
I thought it was the right decision. Until I felt
something.  For just a split second I felt a small
shiver in the force.  Padme's presence.  She's alive,
and she's putting a wall between us.  I don't know
why, but I am on a mission to find out.  On a mission
to find HER.
So far, nothing.  But I have my sources.  And my ways.
 I WILL find her.
********************************************

3 weeks have past.  I heard that Padme is hiding out
near the palace of Naboo.  I thought of all the places
she could be- except for the most obvious one.  Some
Sith I am.  Sith.  I am a Sith.  I never thought of
that.  But it's too late to turn back.
********************************************
Another few days has past.  I have heard she is still
by the palace.  I am nearing it now. I have eliminated
all the sources who gave me information, so she
shouldn't know I'm coming.
Yes, there it is.  Naboo's kingdom.
Now where is it's Queen?
*****************************************
I have never seen my wife with such fear in her eyes. 
But yes, she should be afraid.  She hid from me, and I
am  not happy she would do such a thing.  After
another day of searching, I found her.  She was
staying with a family close by the palace, as my
sources told me.  I took her outside, where she is
with me now.

"Anakin, why are you here?"
"I'm here because I'm your HUSBAND!  What are you
hiding from me?"
"I'm not hiding anything!"
"Oh, really?"
"Yes!  I mean no!  I mean...okay.  I am hiding
something."
"WHAT?"
"I had a....miscarriage.  I didn't want to tell you. 
I heard rumors..."
"What kind?"
"Are you really...really...really a Sith?"
"Yes."
"Why, Ani?"
"Because this is a better way."
"Even you can't believe that, Anakin Skywalker. 
You are on the wrong side."
I had never heard Padme speak so harshly before. 
"Listen, AMIDALA, I am on the right side.  There is no
more looking back, this is my future."
"Then your future will not include me in it!"  She
yelled.
I turned in anger and threw her backwards using the
force.  
"Ah!"  She cried out.  Then she hit the ground, and
the force of her impact knocked her out.  Suddenly my
entire body began shaking.  What had I done to my
love?  Was I really a monster now?  Oh Ami!  I walked
over to where she lay, and bent down beside her.  Then
I did something a Sith should never allow himself to
do... I began crying like a baby.
********************************
That was the last time I saw Amidala Padme Naberrie. 
I had to leave her there, with an image of me as a
monster in her mind.  That haunts me more than
anything.  I hate Palpatine being my new master.  He
seems to laugh at my situation now.  This is all his
fault.  But I can't go back.  I mean, I get to tell
anyone else what to do.  They are at my beck and call.
 It's great...the power. It's...addicting.  And I
can't go back to Ami.  Not now, not ever.  She would
never want me back.  I sent her a letter asking her to
join me.  I already knew her answer in my heart
though.  I didn't need a reply.  Apparently she knew I
knew, because no reply ever came. 
********************************
A year later I was told the news of the passing of my
life...I mean wife.  The death of Padme meant the
death of all my connections to my old life.  I was no
longer Anakin and never would be.  Now, I was Darth
Vader.  It was appropriate for someone as cold as me. 
I did not cry at the news of her death.  I just stood
there.  My feet were glued down.  This was it.
But deep in my heart something told me I still had
hope.  Something told me a part of Amidala was still
alive.
I didn't listen.  My mind was drowning in the horror
of my loss.  Palpatine smiled at the news,  glad that
with Padme out of the way I would no longer have an
excuse to leave the Dark Side.  I was truly his now.
Later that day a letter was delivered to me.  I opened
it angrily, and read it.  It was from Padme.

Anakin,
*(My eyes stung at the mention of my old self)*

If you are reading this, then I am dead.  Which I
think will happen soon.  And frankly, I don't care.
YOU were my life, Ani.  Why did you become such a
horrible...thing?
I guess it doesn't matter.  I've shed enough tears to
fill the ocean, and I will welcome the piece of death
when it comes.  Things could have been great for us. 
But you ruined all that with your selfishness.  Even
though you don't,  I still love you.  I do not like
the creature you have become,  but I still love
ANAKIN.
So with this,
Goodbye Anakin.
I hope you are HAPPY.
*******************************************

Later that day I heard news that I might have a son. 
I should have figured Padme would lie to me. 
Miscarriage.  Ha.  Now storm troopers are searching
for my son.  If he is alive,  Palpatine wants to raise
him as a sith.  If I DO have a son out there, I hope
Palpatine does not find him.


At the end of the day I read Padme's letter again.

 Her words still sting like a knife tearing through my
skin.  But I haven't cried.  Sith DO NOT cry.  
I let the pain of everything envelope me and harden
the shell separating me from Anakin. 

I would never look back again.