=============================

A Year With the Skywalker/Solos:

An S/S Round Robin

by Darth_Fruitcake & company

Darth_Fruitcake@hotmail.com

=============================

*2 years after the movie theater incident*

Jacen sighed. Any minute now...

The doorbell ran, and Jacen jumped to his feet.

"Alright! Mom, my date is here! I'll see you later."

"Alright, sweetheart," Leia called. "Your curfew is 12."

"Thanks... I think."

After he had gone, Jaina entered the living room, examining a chipped fingernail. Two years later, and she still hadn't gotten over it. Strange, how you can have 3 different boys who wanted to go out with you, and all you want is the one guy you can't have.

"Hey, Jaina," Han said, coming into the living room, remote in hand. "The Gators are playing tonight. Yoda and the boys are gonna drop by. You wanna watch?"

Jaina smiled. "No thanks, Dad. I think I'm just gonna go to the mall."

"Am I ever thankful you can drive, Miss eighteen-year-old."

"Oh Dad, come off it. I used to take the Millenium Falcon on joy rides. Driving a car is a piece of cake."

"If you say so. SAAAAY," Han said suddenly, frowning. "It's been awhile since you've been out on a date. And there's three guys I know who would love a date with you."

Jaina snorted. "Dad, they've plastered their face against the window."

Han turned. Indeed, three faces, one tattooed, one helmeted, and one pale and kinda green-looking, were pressed up against the glass.

"It's gonna get cold tonight," he said, laughing. "Go get Ben and tell him to sic 'em."

"No, send Chewie and Grandpa," Jaina giggled.

"Well, then, once they're gone, you can go and chill at the mall. K?"

"Alrighty."

****************************************

(By Qwi_Xux)

They were just settling down for the game when the door slammed open. Mara Jade Skywalker walked in, followed closely by her husband. She was carrying a little boy on her hip, and she looked furious. "The nerve of those people!"

"No, no, Anakin." Darth Vader was saying to his grandson in the background. "You can't swing dance like that...it has to be done like this."

"Ooohhhh." Anakin nodded. "And the girls will really like me if I can do this?"

"The nerve of what people, Mara?" Leia asked. She flicked a glance toward her son. "Anakin, you're eleven. You shouldn't be worrying about girls."

"But Mom, there's this really cute girl..."

Leia ignored him and turned back to Mara.

"We took little Ben to play in the park, and this woman got really mad when he used the Force to levitate three other little kids."

"Shh, shh, the game's starting!" Han waved a hand at them. "Chewie, isn't the popcorn done yet?"

Mara shot Han her deadliest glare. "He was just defending himself from them!" She continued. "They were being mean and wouldn't let him play with them."

The toddler squirmed out of her arms and ran for Darth Vader. "'Ampa! 'Ampa, wook what I can do!" He waved his hand and sent Anakin flying toward the ceiling. The older boy hit the ceiling with his arms outstretched.

"Ben, no! You don't do that to your cousin!" Luke chided.

Ben stuck out his lip. "Why? I wanna!" He suddenly saw Chewie, coming through the kitchen door with the popcorn. "Oooohhhh! Chewie! Wook what I can do!"

The popcorn (and Chewie) went zooming across the room. Chewie roared. Luke used the Force to stop him from crashing into the wall, but the popcorn ended up all over the floor.

"What does a guy have to do to get some peace and quiet so he can watch a game around here?" Han bellowed.

****************************

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

Jaina enjoyed the mall quite a bit, but not the way a giggly 13 year-old would enjoy it. She didn't go to the mall to go boy hunting, nor to shop and act cool and flirtatious. She simply went to get away from the loud hub-bub and chaos at home.

At that paticular moment, she was ordering a milkshake from the Wendy's. Then she heard a voice to her far right that she had honestly not expected to hear for a long, long time, if ever again.

"The double cheeseburger please, no onions, extra pickles. Sprite and fries. Lots of ketchup. Thanks."

Slowly, ever so carefully, Jaina casually turned her head to the right. Her suspicions were confirmed.

"Shaefer," she said, "long time no see."

Dutch swiveled his head, and smiled. "Well, if it isn't Miss Jaina Solo."

She paid for her milkshake, then went over and leaned against the counter. "What brings you to LA, Major?"

"Just call me Dutch. Early retirement."

"So soon?"

"Let's just say," he said, lowering his voice, "that a certain 8-foot tall freaky looking alien made me change my mind."

Jaina laughed.

"I'm not doing anything," Dutch said. "I hear they've got a sale at the Army/Navy store. Wanna go check it out?"

Jaina pretended to consider. "Hmm, I dunno..."

"Pwease?"

"Oh, come off it!" she said, slapping his shoulder lightly. "Of course I'll go."

Dutch grinned. "Great."

********************************************

(by AquaRose)

Mara, Leia, and Padme had all settled in one of the Master Bedrooms to watch a chick flick they had rented that morning.

"Oh... Kiss her and get it over with!" squealed Padme as the man and women came close to each other to kiss and then stopped.

"She should punch him for being such a wimp. lets watch something more action packed!" Mara said moving to turn the sappy movie off.

"You can't stop it now Mara what about the lovers will they ever kiss? Can they get past thier fear of love! This is a good action packed movie I say we watch it!" Padme said.

Mara and Leia both looked at Padme with a look of 'what in the world is the matter with you?' but Leia was the first to say something. "Mom why not Indiana Jones? There is romance in that?"

" Indiana Jones? What is that?" Padme asked a look of confusion on her face."

Both Leia and Mara spoke at once "Youb don't know what Indiana Jones Is!?"

"Well it is settled we will watch Indiana Jones!" Mara said pulling the movie out of the VCR and leaving the room to get it.

************************************

(by Alderaan_)

"Where cousin Jacen?" said Ben.

"Jacen and Jaina are gone now," said Anakin, "but when Yoda gets you can show him how good you are at the Force."

"What's Yoda?"

"He's the Jedi Master who trained your da-"

"MOMMY! DADDY! I'm going to get Yoda so I can be a Jedi!"

Before Anakin could stop him, Ben grabbed Luke's lightsaber, flipped through the window, and began running down the street as fast as any Jedi.

-----------------------------------------

"Mom! Dad! Ben's running away!" Anakin yelled.

Mara was up in an instant "My baby?!"

"I told you to watch him, Anakin!" Leia yelled.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch a Force-sensitive kid?!" Anakin yelled back.

Chewie picked up the phone and called 911.

"Lando Calrissian here."

ROAR!

"What? Luke and Mara's kid just ran off and probably fell down a well? I'll be right over to find him! (although you might have invited me to visit sometime)"

-------------------------------------------

"Ben? why are you here alone?" said Jaina.

Ben eyed the guy that was standing next to Jaina and decided to show off his Force powers.

********************************

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

"Benny?" Jaina said, looking up in surprise. "How the heck did you get here?!"

Ben grinned, showing off his two front teeth. "The bus!"

Jaina groaned.

"Let me guess," Dutch said. "Ben, right?"

"Yep."

"Watch this, big man!" Ben said. He raised a finger.

"Uh, Ben--" Jaina began, but it was too late. A little old lady, eating her Wendy's burger, was lifted suddenly, ten feet off the ground.

"Oh, help!" the lady cried.

Jaina put her head in her hands. Dutch's eyes were the size of craters. Ben laughed hysterically.

"Ben!" Jaina said harshly. "Put the lady down."

Ben looked very solemn. "Yes, Cousin Jaina."

He lowered his finger, and the old lady came down hard into her chair.

The old lady rose to her feet, marched over to them, and...

Stood nose-to-nose with Dutch.

"Teach your kid some MANNERS!" she cried. Then she hauled back and slapped him in the face. With a loud "Hmmpfh", she turned and marched away.

"Ow," Dutch said, holding the side of his face with his hand.

"Old lady strong!" Ben exclaimed.

Jaina sighed defeatedly. "Would you like to go home, Ben?"

"Will I get candy?"

"NO," Jaina said, exhasperated.

"Is the Big Man coming home with us?"

Jaina allowed herself a small smile. "Only if he wants to."

Dutch grinned sheepishly. "Your family won't mind?"

"Naw; just another person coming by for the Gator game. Where are you staying?"

"With an old friend of mine."

"You got a way to get home?"

"I walked here. His house is about 3 blocks down the road."

"Okay."

Jaina took Ben's hand, and the trio walked out to the parking lot. Jaina opened the door to her car, and started it.

Or rather, she TRIED to start it.

"This thing sounds like a strangled mynock," she commented.

A car horn made them glance up. Pulling into the parking lot was...

Lando, in his beat-up-but-very-expensive-Bentley.

"Need a lift?" he asked, smiling.

"Thanks, Lando," Jaina said, climbing into the backseat with Ben on her lap. Dutch took the passenger's seat, and they were off.

On the way back to the house, Ben asked, "Jaina, am I a bad boy?"

"No, you're not bad," Jaina said, kissing his forehead. "You just need more control, that's all."

"I wuv you."

"I love you too," she said, hugging him.

"You okay, man?" Dutch asked, looking at Lando.

Lando wiped a tear. "It's just so beautiful!"

Dutch rolled his eyes.

**********************

(by Qwi_Xux)

"Uncle Luke! Aunt Mara! I've got Ben, and Lando and Dutch are here! Okay if they watch the game, too?" Jaina called as she walked in the door.

"Yeah, sure, hon." Han said. "It already started.

Mara ran in from where she had just finished watching a movie with Leia and Padme. She grabbed Ben from Jaina. "Ben!"

"Mama, was I bad?"

"Yes." Luke called from the couch.

Mara glared at Luke before turning back to Ben. "Did you hurt anyone?"

Ben shook his head solemnly.

"Then no."

"I not bad! Bad Daddy!" Ben pointed at Luke, who, caught unaware, headed for the ceiling. He stopped himself with the Force. "NO, Ben! You don't do that!"

Ben started to cry. "Mean Daddy!"

"Luke, how could you treat your son that way?" Darth Vader asked. "I never treated you that way!"

"You never raised him, dear." Padme put in.

"Oh, yeah."

"I want candy!" Ben cried, wiggling out of Mara's arms.

"No, Ben. It's almost bedtime. You can't have candy." Mara told him.

Ben pouted and stomped his foot. "But I WANT it."

"Too bad."

Ben lifted a little finger up, ready to send Mara flying toward the ceiling, but Mara beat him to it. She hung Ben six feet in the air.

"Mama, Mama, put me DOWN!"

"It's not very nice to do to people, is it?"

"No!"

Mara nodded and set him down. "Good. Now go get your pajamas."

"Is it always like this?" Dutch whispered to Jaina. "It was never like this when I was out fighting that...alien."

"Always." Jaina whispered back. "You get used to it after a while." She paused. "Well, for the most part. One word of advice: never mess with Grampa's roses. It makes him really upset."

*********************************

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

The doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" Ben cried, running for the door.

"Oh no you don't," Dutch said, scooping him up. "Little guy, you have to learn where not to cross the line."

"I just help, Big Man."

Dutch grinned. "I know, but why don't we let the big people get the door, okay?"

"Okay!"

Mara was shocked. She had honestly not expected someone like Dutch to warm up to children easily; but this guy seemed totally at ease.

Maybe he was trying to impress Jaina.

Whatever the reason was, Ben certainly seemed to like the "Big Man", and Mara wouldn't mind having him for a weekend babysitter.

"Hello," Dutch said, swinging the door open.

"Know you, I do not," Yoda said, tapping his gimer stick. "Make introductions, we must."

"Hello, what's this?" said Obi-Wan. "Why is there a perfect stranger answering the door?"

"Hey, good lad," Qui-Gon greeted, clasping Dutch on the shoulder.

"Sup, brotha?" Mace Windu said, grinning.

Dutch looked disturbed.

"Hey, Yoda and the gang!" Jaina said, appearing in the doorway. She gave each of them a hug in turn. "How are you guys?"

"Exceptional," Qui-Gon replied.

"Come on in. Palpy, Maul--and unfortunately Zekk and Boba--should be here soon."

Dutch gaped. Jaina was someone special, that was for sure.

"Big Man comfy, Mama," Ben said to Mara as the Jedi filed into the living room. "Like my Joker pillow."

Mara smiled warily. "Well, I'm glad you think so, sweetie. Hey, guys," she said, turning to the Jedi, "there's beer on the table, along with chips. Have fun!" She turned back to Dutch and smiled. "He's tired... Maybe I should take him to bed?"

"Oh, sure, of course," Dutch said quickly, handing over the toddler.

Ben yawned sleepily. " 'Night, Big Man."

"G'night."

Jaina smiled. "Well, that's taken care of. No more people flying into the roof tonight!"

"Unless he uses the Force in his sleep."

They both laughed nervously. Jaina examined a chipped fingernail, and Dutch shifted his weight from foot to foot.

"Well, the other guys should be here soon," Jaina said. "Who should answer the door?"

Dutch rubbed the back of his neck unconciously. "Dunno."

"Maybe Anakin could do it?"

Dutch looked relieved. "Not a bad idea," he said, smiling.

"HEY ANAKIN!!!"

**********************

(by Qwi_Xux)

"Why should I answer the door?" Anakin asked suspiciously.

"Because...you're such a big help...and...and...because you're such a big help." Jaina said. "Dutch and I are going out back."

"Oh, fine." Anakin plopped down on the floor to watch the end of the game. Several minutes into it, the doorbell rang. Grumbling under his breath, Anakin went and opened it.

"Palpy, Maul! Zekk, Boba, come on in." Anakin stepped aside.

"Where's Jaina?" Were the first words out of Zekk's mouth.

Anakin shrugged. "Out, I think."

"You aren't lying, are you, grandson of Vader?" Palpy asked.

"No! Why would I lie?"

"I want to see Jaina, Master!" Maul whined.

"I came to see Jaina." Boba said through his helmet.

Anakin rolled his eyes. "Fine. Whatever." He went back to sit down on the floor. "All came to see Jaina." He muttered. "What's so special about Jaina?"

*******************

(by Fluke_Groundwalker)

"Hello everybody, and welcome back to the game. The Gators are leading the Vols 28-24. We're just about ready for the 4th quarter," said Al Micheals.

"Hey dad!" yelled Anakin. "The 4th quarter's about to start!"

Han walked out of the kitchen, carrying a large bowl of popcorn.

"They've played 3 quarters, and I haven't had any popcorn yet. I have to have my popcorn, or else, umm...I don't sleep good. Yea, I can't sleep unless I eat popcorn," said Han.

Suddenly, Chewie, Lando, Yoda, Vader, and Mace rush over, each taking their share of popcorn. "Rawr!" "Hey, popcorn, thanks you old scoundrel!" "Very tasty this cornpop is." "The corn is strong in this one." "A gangsta like me has to have his popped corn up in the hizzouse, know what I mean, brotha?"

Han looked down, at the nearly empty bowl, and muttered something to himself, when Ben ran through, yelling, "Mama, mama, I had bad dream!" As he did this, he ran flush into Han, who fell backwards, throwing the popcorn bowl into the air, which came crashing down, popcorn everywhere.

Han looked around, on the verge of tears, and said, "That was the last bag! And the store's closed!"

Then, Han heard Yoda say, "Downtouch! Downtouch the Gators scored!" Mace said, "No, it's a touchdown, not a 'downtouch'."

"Downtouch."

"No, touchdown."

"Downtouch."

Mace said, "Why you green little son of a --" but he was interrupted by Zekk screaming, "Jaina! What are you and that guy doing!"

*********************

(by Qwi_Xux)

"That's none of your business!" Jaina screamed back.

"You...ewww, Jaina! How could you KISS him? You're only supposed to kiss ME!"

"What? Who's kissing my daughter?" Han roared, completely forgetting the popcorn.

"Someone's kissing Jaina?" Maul gasped. He yanked out his lightsaber and turned it on.

"Mama, my dweam!" Ben wailed. "It was bad, bad, bad!"

"Downtouch!" Yoda said, sticking out his tongue and Mace.

"Touchdown, you filthy frog!" Mace tackled Yoda.

"Grandson of Vader, you said Jaina was gone." Palpy said in a theatening voice.

"No, I said she was OUT. And she is. Outside. Duh." Anakin rolled his eyes.

"Mama, my dweam!"

Boba, Maul, and Han all ran out the back door, Boba yelling, "Let me at the scoundrel and I'll take him back to Jabba the Hut!"

"Jabba's dead, Moron. My wife strangled him." Han snapped. He saw Dutch and Jaina with their arms around each other, glaring at Zekk, who was staring at them, horrified. He had dropped to his knees and was wailing, "Tell me it's not true!" He fell over into Darth Vader's roses. "Ouch! Ouch, the roses bit me!"

Darth Vader appeared at the door. "You touched my roses? You TOUCHED my ROSES!"

Padme stepped up next to Vader and laid a hand on his arm. "Calm down, dear. You can't get angry. You gave up the dark side, remember."

"But, Paddie, he's in my roses!" Vader whined.

"Hush! You're starting to sound like Ben!"

"Can I hit him with just a little bit of Force lightning? Just a little???"

"NO."

***********

(by AngelQueen)

Palpy watched the beginnings of a screaming match begin to take form between the granddaughter of Vader, her current male companion, and her father, and three ex's.

That is, if Maul could be called her ex, as the two had never really dated.

Shrugging, he turned to Vader, who was staring mournfully down at his roses, and Padmé, who was trying to comfort her husband.

"Come, my retired apprentice and retired Queen and Senator. Let us return to see what chaos has reigned in the living room. I am not interested in seeing your granddaughter out-wit her father and ex's."

Padmé nodded, "Palpy's right, Dear One. Your roses can be repaired. Don't worry, we'll get some dartboards that resemble them and you can toss darts at them. But NO Forcelightning, understood?"

"Yes, Sweet Angel," Vader answered meekly.

The trio walked back into the house, never noticing the young girl in the yard next door, who had been staring at Palpy.

"Such a FINE specimen of the male species," she whispered softly.

********************

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

"Jaina Amidala Solo!!! WHY?!"

"Jaina, remember the date? I thought we had something..."

"The Dark Side is much more... uh, loving? No.... It makes better kissers."

"Maybe I'll just go out with Tenel Ka instead. Would that make you happy?!"

Dutch had stepped off to one side, a blush covering his cheeks. Jaina was red too, but not from embaressment.

"SHUT UP!" she said. "I have a right to choose who I want to kiss and who not to. Beat it, all of you!"

Han glowered at Jaina, and, realizing her mistake, she smiled sheepishly.

" 'Cept you, Dad."

"Get outta here," Han grumbled, glaring at the 3 boys. "Not you!" he shouted at Dutch, who had started to follow them. "I want to speak with both of you. Sit."

They sat.

Han paced in front of them, cooling his jets. He turned and faced them suddenly.

"What the HECK motivated you to do this? Tonight, of all nights?!"

Jaina suddenly became very interested in a piece of lint on her pants. Dutch stared at everything but Han and Jaina.

"I dunno," Jaina said finally. "I guess I like him."

"OH, you GUESS you like him. Apparently you like him a whole lot, to be caught with your lips locked together!!"

"Yeah, well, I love you too, Dad."

"See, it's THOSE sarcastic remarks that get you grounded."

"Kinda reminds you of yourself, huh?"

Han rubbed the back of his neck, a sheepish look crossing his face. "Yeah, I guess it does." His face grew stern again. "You're still grounded."

"But Dad!"

"Two days in your room. One of us will bring you food and water. No TV, no coming out except to use the bathroom. Nothing. Not even phone calls. Especially from him," he said, tossing a glare at Dutch.

"But Dad---"

"Go to your room, before I add an extra day."

Jaina grumbled and stood up. After she had gone, Han turned his fierce gaze back to Dutch.

"Sir--"

"You know, Shaefer, I ought to prevent you from seeing her ever again. I mean, look at you. You're an ex-commando, just getting over the trauma of being chased by an 8-foot tall alien through the jungle, staying in LA--convieniently--with an 'old friend'. Your muscles are gigantic, and you could knock her into the next galaxy by accidentially swinging your arm in the wrong direction."

Dutch wringed his hands together. He didn't bother to notice how sweaty his palms were. Not see Jaina again? Wow, this guy was harsh.

"Sir..."

"However," Han said, cutting him off, "you ARE very good to her. And she genuinely seems to like you. And so does a certain 2-year-old who doesn't like anyone in the world but his grandpa." Han leaned in further. "Once her punishment is let up, I would be HAPPY to let you go out with her."

Dutch's eyes went wide, then he nodded quickly, smiling. "Yessir."

"C'mon, I'll drive you home."

****************

(by Qwi_Xux)

ONE WEEK LATER-SATURDAY MORNING

"I still can't believe I was grounded!" Jaina grumbled, popping her bread in the toaster. "I am an adult, and I was grounded!"

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Anakin ran for the door. "I'll get it!" He yelled, sounding almost frantic.

Leia reached the door first. She opened it, and her eyebrows went up. "Well, hello. Who are you?"

A small, blond-haired girl was standing on the doorstep.

"Uh, Mom, it's for me! I've got it, really!" Anakin said.

"Hi! My name's Tahiri, and I came to see Anakin. Can I come in? I promise I won't be too much trouble. My parents say I'm never too much trouble."

Leia's eyebrows rose even further. "Uh, sure. Come on in." Her eyes fell on the girl's feet. "Did you walk over here?"

"Yes. I only live seven blocks away, and my parents said it would be okay if I walked over here, so I did." Tahiri said breathlessly.

"Barefoot?"

"I always go barefoot!" Tahiri exclaimed. "When I was little, my parents were in this weird cult, and I always had to wear shoes, so now I don't wear them at all! And it's really a lot more comfortable than wearing them, because..."

While Tahiri was still talking, Leia turned to Anakin. "Is THIS the person you were learning swing dancing for?"

Anakin flushed red. "She's cute, Mom." He whispered.

"And talkative." Leia muttered, walking into the kitchen.

"Hi, Anakin!" Tahiri grinned at him.

Anakin got this dazed, dreamy look in his eleven-year-old eyes. "Uh...hi."

Jaina glanced at her mother. "And I'm the one everyone was worried about?"

*********

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

Jaina paced the room, seething. Barely 24 hours of her grounding had passed, and she was already going crazy.

A knock came at her door.

"Jaina!" Anakin called. "I brought your dinner."

_Cold, no doubt,_ Jaina thought.

For the past half-hour, all she had heard was the conversation of her family as they ate dinner.

The low, distinct rumble of her grandpa; the cocky tone of her father; Chewie's grunts and roars; the no-nonsense conversation of her mother; her brothers' bickering; her grandmother's soft-spoken comments; her uncle's wise words of wisdom; the constant banging of little Ben's spoon on his highchair; and her Aunt Mara's tough-cookie threats against the toddler if he didn't stop.

And now Anakin dared to bring his PMS-y sister her dinner.

She threw open the door and siezed the plate. "Thank you," she said through clenched teeth.

"Hey, DAD!" Anakin called. "Jaina's having a bad ATTITUDE!!!"

"Jaina!" her father roared.

"Sorry, Dad!" she called back to him.

"I don't think it's ME you should be apologizing to!"

Jaina glared at Anakin, who was wearing a smug look of satisfaction.

"Sorry," she grumbled.

And then she slammed the door in his face.

_No phone,_ she thought. _No TV, no radio, no nothing. Heck, I have to ASK to use the bathroom. Nothing in this room except Me, Myself, and I. And a few books. And my diary. And, of course, my memories of Dutch._

She sat on her bed, forgetting all about her dinner. She smiled and closed her eyes.

At least her dreams would comfort her.

___________________________________________

Padme watched the dinner scene quietly, speaking up every so often to express her opinion on something. Her petite hand was clasped firmly by Vader's large one. Ben's banging of the spoon was driving her crazy; as was her daughter-in-law's constant yelling at the toddler to be quiet.

"You know, dear," Padme said to Mara finally. "What I used to do with Leia is threaten to make her eat all the candy in the house. She hated sweets so much, she instantly shaped up."

"You were raising Leia?" Vader asked, instantly angry.

"Yeah..."

Vader heaved a huge sigh. "Padme, you--"

"Hey, Ben!" Mara called. "If you don't stop banging your spoon, I'll make you eat every single piece of candy in this house. How does that sound?"

Ben banged his spoon harder. "Yea, candy candy candy!! Yea, Mommy!!!"

Padme sighed. Just another normal dinner. Just when things seemed like they couldn't get any worse, a loud shriek came from Jaina's room.

"OH THE INHUMANITY!" she screamed. "CURSE MY EFFICIENCY AT PICKING UP MEN!!!!"

That was the last straw for Vader. "BE QUIET DOWN THERE!" he roared. Chewie expressed his agreement.

"Oh dear," Threepio muttered.

Padme sighed again. It was going to be a long night.

Ben banged his spoon on the table, laughing hysterically.

***************

(By Fluke_Groundwalker)

Siri stood there on the porch, staring at Jacen, who was now down on one knee.

Jacen said, "I don't really have a ring to offer right now, but if you say yes, I can get you a real pretty one. Diamond of course."

Why do girls love diamonds so much?? Why couldn't they love pebbles, or gravel??

"Oh Jacen," replied Siri, "you shouldn't be doing this. I don't really know what to say."

Jacen's expression turned from I'm gonna get some!! to She'd probably rather kiss a Wookiee. He slowly rose up from his knee, when Siri placed her hand on his shoulder.

She added, "But that doesn't mean I don't want to marry you. My answer is 'Yes,' you handsome little devil. The only question is, how do we break this to our parents?"

Jacen almost fainted at that.

*****

(by Qwi_Xux)

"Jaina!! Jaina, I felt your panic in the Force! And I heard you yell! What's going on?" Darth Vader burst into Jaina's bedroom.

Jaina jumped in front of her window. "Umm...nothing! I was just...thinking about something."

"You're lying. I can feel it." Jaina was sure if she could see her grandfather's face, his eyes would be narrowed. He pushed past her to the window and looked out.

"MY ROSES! MY ROSES!!!! WHO DID THIS!? JAINA!!!! WHO IS THIS JAG??????"

"Grampa, calm down."

"CALM DOWN? My roses have been ruined, and you expect me to CALM DOWN?"

Padme heard her husband yelling and ran into the room. "What's wrong?" She saw what Vader and Jaina were looking at and gasped. "Jag? Who's Jag?"

"He's this pilot I met!!" Jaina shook her head. "I thought he had left though! I never expected to hear from him again!" It would be interesting to see him...it had been so long. But then there was still Dutch. She moaned and grabbed her head. She did NOT need to deal with this, especially while she was PMSing.

Suddenly, Jag's face appeared at the window.

***************

(by stevo)

There was a scuffling and Jag's head was pulled out of the window. After a couple of seconds, the window frame was replaced with Kyp's head.

"Hey Jania, I was just thinking about you, have you considered my offer for you to become my apprentice? Maybe we can just leave the past behind! Anyways, I'm talking really fast because--"

"Jania, do you remember me? It's Jagged Fel. I just wanted to say that I haven't stopped thinking about you and that I wanted to get to know you better and--"

"because this stupid Fel kid thinks that you like him! Anyways I told him to get a life and do something rather than stalk a girl that he's seen once, and I was gonna say--"

"How would you know? Maybe because It's because you've been stalking a girl that is 16 years younger than you? I LOVE YOU JANIA I'LL ALWA--"

:: Maul recites poetry and plays guitar with a Spanish Flaminco Band on other side of house giving Ben nightmares::

"Jania, I'm a responsible Jedi master, Love can break down any age barrier! Love me Ja--"

"Okay, that's it. Jania you're grounded a week for all of this noise at 1:00 in the morning!" Jania's angered father shouted. " As for you. Kyp you're a sick peverert get the hell away from my daugher. Han punched Kyp off the ladder that led to Jania's window.

Kyp plummeted 2 stories down onto the neighbor's fence.

"You, You, killed my roses!"

"No, sir, I didn't mean to make you angry! I ummmm, I ummm."

:: Padme cannot stop giggling, Ben is screaming, Yoda and Mace are fighting, and Jania is crying in the bathroom::

"Did you just hear that?" Jag said.

"Hear what?" Vader asked.

************

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

It was the 2nd night of her grounding, and Jaina could hardly restrain herself from screaming and ripping her hair out.

Jagged? And Kyp, of all people!!! Why was she cursed with such magnetism??? And another week added to her grounding!!!

"ARGH!!!"

"Quiet down there, young lady!" Han called.

_Dads are annoying,_ Jaina thought. _Especially when they're angry at you._

A sudden PLINK against her window made her jump. She slowly moved towards it... another PLINK. Someone was throwing rocks at her window!

She lifted the glass and stuck her head out, only to narrowly miss another pepple.

"Hey, watch it!" she hissed.

Dutch grinned up sheepishly. "Sorry. Is your grounding done yet?"

She shook her head. "No! Kyp and Jagged are after me now, too. It's not fair!"

He shrugged. "That's what you get for being born beautiful."

She smiled shyly. "You mean that?"

He dug the toe of his boot into the ground. "Yeah. I was thinking about you a lot, you know. It's kinda strange. I've never had much luck with women before."

She giggled. "I imagine so, Mr. Beefy Commando."

"I guess I'd better get outta here," he said, glancing around furtively. "I don't want that tattooed guy coming after me with that double-bladed lightsaber of his."

"Good idea."

He ran off into the dark night, and Jaina sighed.

Her grounding had just grown marginally easier to deal with.

*******************

(by Qwi_Xux)

Knock, knock

Jaina looked up from where she was lying on the bed and frowned.

"Who is it?"

"It's your father!"

"Go away!"

"But I brought you breakfast!!! Blueberry pancakes!!!! Mmmm...you love blueberries! And your grandfather made them especially for you! He even put one of his roses on the tray!" Han called through the door.

Jaina hesitated. "Blueberry? And roses? Really?"

"Yes."

She went to the door and opened it. "Come in."

Han sighed and entered, setting the tray on her bed. Four fluffy pancakes sat on it, and two big roses were on either side of the plate. "I've been thinking I was a little to harsh. After all, it's not your fault you're beautiful! So we'll stick with the original grounding for a week."

Jaina sighed. "Four more days, huh?" She eyed the pancakes. "I guess I can survive! I still think I shouldn't be grounded! I didn't do anything wrong! And I AM an adult!"

"You live under my roof, you obey my rules."

Jaina pouted, then decided the blueberry pancakes were more important at the moment. "Fine." She grabbed the plate. "Now you can go away!"

"Do you want that grounding back?"

Jaina ducked her head. "No. Sorry, Daddy. Please go away?"

Shaking his head and muttering something about PMS-y girls, Han left the room.

*********************

(by Tatooine Rose)

"Come in," Vader replied to the knock at his bedroom door.

It was Obi-Wan. "Um...Ex-Padawan, may I um...ask for some advice?"

"Sure go ahead," said Vader. He was lying on the bed, Cleopatra style, reading the latest issue of Martha Stewart Living.

"Well, there's this girl...um, her name's Sabe...I um...I never asked someone out on a date before...and I was wondering if you...could give me a lesson?" His query trailed off into a squeak.

"Sure, Ex-Master," said the sith lord, closing and putting away the magazine, "we shall start right now!"

***

Chewie was looking through the arts and entertainment section of the newspaper when the idea hit him. It had been so long since he and Mala had went anywhere or even done any thing together. He was always off scouting the galaxy with Han while she raised Lumpy and cooked and cleaned and everything. That was it. He would take her out somewhere on a date to show his appreciation.

He continued flipping through the paper. He didn't think that Mala would like to go to the ballet or to the opera or a baseball game. He thought that Mala might like to go to a dog show, and then he remembered his experience at the pound. No, he would take her to a movie.

Didn't that Jedi master guy with the ponytail say that he was interested in a girl? Maybe he would join them. What a great idea! He would let Obi-Wan decide on the movie.

***

"Well, first of all," said Vader, "you might //how can I put this nicely?// want to ditch the ponytail..."

***

Padme's mind was overloaded. Her Dear Ani had been so troubled lately because of his roses. Her son-in-law and Jaina were mad at each other. Mara and Luke weren't raising Ben the way she hoped they would. And

Obi-Wan seemed troubled about impressing her best friend, Sabe.

No, Padme, she told herself. Concentrate on making dinner. For about 20 crazy family members and friends tonight.

Padme groaned. Nobody ever seemed to notice her own troubles, except for her Dear Anakin. Maybe it's because I always keep them inside of me, she thought. Well, anyway I have dinner to make, anyways. I'm soooo stressed out!!

Yoda, sensing her thoughts through the Force, walked into the kitchen. "Stay and help you, I will. Yes. Stressed out, you are. Others' burdens, you are bearing. Relax, you should. Cook a feast, I will."

"Thanks, Yoda. You're such a help. I'm sure dinner will be delicious."

Queen Amidala was young and naive. Well, maybe not so young anymore, but certainly naive!

***

<RRRRRing!RRRRing!> Sabe picked up the phone.

"Hello, Sabe. This is Obi-Wan. I was uh...wondering if you would like to go out with me on Saturday. Chewie and Mala agreed to double date with us. That's um... if you're coming. Yeah. We're going to see 'Moulin Rouge'. Uh... would you like to go?

"Oh, Obi-Wan! You're such a sweetie! Of course I'll go! See you Saturday! Bye."

Obi-Wan went upstairs to Vader's study. His Ex-Padawan had 2 days to give him a complete makeover. He would be an all-new Obi-Wan for Sabe on Saturday.

***************

(by Fluke Groundwalker)

Jacen knocked on his father's door.

Han replied, "Umm....just a minute......ok, you can come in now!"

Jacen walked in to see his father frantically trying to put away his new Guide to Crossdressing book.

Jacen raised his eyebrows in suspicion, and his dad could only blush and look at the ground.

"Please ignore that son. For the love of God, don't tell anyone."

Jacen could barely contain his laughter, but replied, "Ok, Dad, I won't tell anyone. But I have to talk to you about something important."

Han motioned for his son to come and sit in the chair next to his, and Jacen complied.

"What is it, son?"

Jacen hesitated, then said, "Well, Dad, there's this girl I really, really like. Love, in fact."

Han grinned, and said, "You suave little devil, you. I bet Lando'll be proud."

Jacen help up a hand to stop his father from further comment. "There's more. I kinda asked her to marry me. And she said yes."

Han's grin remained on his face, but Jacen could tell he wasn't in the least bit happy. "Well," his father said. "This could be a problem. Who is this girl?"

Jacen looked at his dad, who was twitching with anger, winced, and replied, "It's Siri."

His dad almost exploded.

A few months back, Han had caught Jacen and Siri fooling around in the Falcon's lounge. He'd grown to dislike the girl, and to not trust her.

"I think we better talk to your mom about this."

*************

(by Qwi Xux)

"WHAT?" Leia almost yelled. "JACEN! Married?" She clutched at her chest. "To SIRI?"

"I love her, Mom!"

"Jacen, marriage isn't always about love!"

"It should be!" Jacen glared at his mother. "And you can't stop us! I am an adult! We're getting married in a month!"

"A MONTH? Han, do something!"

"Dad, if you try to ground me like you did, Jaina, I'll tell everyone what you were reading!" Jacen said.

Han flushed. "Um, Leia, maybe..."

Leia turned her narrowed eyes to Han. "Reading? Oh, no! Yoda didn't give you his porn magazines again, did he? YODA!" She stormed off into the other room where Padme and Yoda were cooking something that was quite indistinguishable.

As the an argument broke out in the kitchen, with Leia yelling, Padme saying, "Calm down, dear," And Yoda saying, "Got rid of those, years ago, I did! Accuse me now, you can't! Gave them to Mace, I did."

Han glared at Jacen. "Thanks a lot! I should ground you for trying to blackmail me."

"Jaina may take it from you, but I won't! I'm marrying Siri in a month, and that's it! I'll move out before then if you try to ground me!"

They were standing there, glaring at each other, when Anakin ran into the room. He looked from his dad to his brother and back again. "Um, Dad? What's 'getting some on' mean?"

Jacen burst out laughing as Han whirled on his eleven-year-old. "What?"

"Well, Kyp and Jag and Zekk are out in the yard by Grampa's roses arguing about who's gonna get some on with Jaina!"

"WHAT? I'M GONNA KILL THEM!" Were Han's last words as he ran out the door.

*************

(by Rebecca191)

"I wonder what I said?" wondered Anakin out loud. "Oh, who cares! I have better things to do."

Anakin went upstairs to his bedroom and sat down at the computer. "Hmm, what to do? I know! I'll hack into the FBI! That would be funny!"

Being so good with machines, it didn't take Anakin long to hack into the FBI. "This planet has pathetic security!" he exclaimed. Leaving his computer on and hacked into the FBI, he ran back downstairs to play a video game, and soon forgot all about the computer.

Just then the doorbell rang. Anakin looked around. Dad was still in the backyard, probably yelling at Jaina and all her boyfriends. Anakin ran to the door. He better answer it.

Standing there were two FBI agents.

"Oops," Anakin said.

**************

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

"Anakin Solo, we place you under arrest," the short, fat FBI agent said.

"You have hacked into our security system," Tall One added, "and that is illegal. Come with us."

"...If you wanna live," Anakin added under his breath.

"Hey, what the heck is going on?" a voice asked.

Anakin peered around the FBI agents and grinned. "Dutch!"

The FBI agents turned around and saluted sharply. "Major Shaefer, sir!"

"At ease, men. What the heck is going on?!"

"He hacked into the computer system, sir," Short Guy said.

"Go home, men. I'll handle this."

"Sir yes sir!"

After they had gone, Anakin glanced up at Dutch. "Why are you here?"

The ex-commando glanced down at him. "Thought I'd drop in."

Anakin grinned. "To see if Jaina was off her grounding?"

"To the point, are we?"

"BIG MAN!!!" someone called joyously. Ben ran into the kitchen and flung himself at Dutch's legs gleefully.

Dutch scooped him up. "Where's your cousin Jaina, Ben?"

"Outside."

"Hey, Dutch?" Anakin asked. "What does 'get some on' mean?"

"Where did you hear that?"

"Zekk and Jag were bragging about who was going to 'get some on' with Jaina."

Dutch's eyes grew very angry, very fast. He handed the giggling toddler to Anakin, and stormed outside to the side of the house, where Jag, Zekk, Jaina (who had been let out of her room to witness the grinding), and Han were having a heated argument.

"...And furthermore, you will not use that kind of language around my eleven year-old!" Han was roaring. He abrutply turned and stared at Dutch. "You too? You want to 'get some on' with Jaina, too?!?! HUH?!?! C'MON, SHAEFER!!! TRY MY PATIENCE!!!!"

Before Dutch could say anything, someone behind them said, "Well, she DOES have a nice figure." At Han's enraged glare, Kyp grinned sheepishly.

"Excuse me," Dutch said politely to Han and Jaina. He marched over to Kyp...

And socked him in the face.

"Have you no respect?" he hissed.

"Well, she does have a nice figure!" Kyp protested, holding his bloody nose.

Dutch glared menacingly. "You're too old, you pervert."

"And you're too... too... too beefy!"

That was it for Dutch. He had just had a meeting with the PMS-y General, and had to teach a bunch of privates in the military how to live in the jungle for 3 days with an alien hell-bent on killing you. Now this perv was messing with his girl.

With a snarl, he tackled Kyp to the ground, football style.

"DOWNTOUCH!" Ben shouted gleefully.

Zekk and Jag looked at eachother, nodded, and ran for it. Jaina was shrieking at the two men, telling them to stop. Anakin straddled Ben on his hip. And Han... All Han could do was sob.

********

(by Rebecca191)

Anakin scowled as he watched from the back porch. Why did he have to hold Ben now? The kid was HEAVY! And all of Jaina's boyfriends were so annoying! He wished one of them hadn't saved him from the FBI agents. Now he'd have to be nice to him! He could have taken care of it on his own!!

"Come on, Ben," Anakin said. He didn't want to listen to his dad, his sister, and all of his sister's boyfriends any longer. He scowled and walked back into the house, nearly dropping Ben. His arms ached. This was so unfair!

Anakin set Ben down in front of the TV and turned Rugrats on. "Ben, be a good boy and watch TV, and when I get back, I'll play a game with you, ok?"

"'k, Ani!" Ben said, eyes glued to the TV. Anakin ran to the back window. His dad was still busy. Good.

He ran outside into the front yard and hid behind a bush. The FBI agents were still there. Anakin scowled. He bet they were going to get him as soon as Jaina's boyfriend left.

"I'll show them," Anakin muttered. He concentrated, and the FBI agents were soon hovering in the air, screaming.

With a smirk, Anakin left the agents floating and snuck back into the house.

******************

(by Qwi_Xux)

*A few days later. Shortly after Tahiri arrived at the front door.*

"Can you believe she talks so much?" Jaina whispered to Leia as they listened to Tahiri's endless chatter coming from the living room.

"Anakin sure doesn't seem to mind." Leia peered out at Anakin, who was still staring at Tahiri with a wide-eyed, happy dazed kind of look.

"It's not fair, Mom! I got grounded for a week because something one of my stupid admirers did, but Anakin only got grounded for three days for floating those FBI agents in the air! It's because he's a boy, isn't it?"

"No, Jaina. Your father just grounded him for as long as he saw fit. I think he was more angry with the FBI then anything, especially since as soon as they got down, they tried to arrest Grampa and take Chewie to the pound again."

Jaina shook her head.

At that moment, Darth Vader walked in carrying a huge armful of roses. "Tonight is the night Obi-Wan goes on his double date." He informed Leia and Jaina. "I will make sure my former padawan has plenty of roses!"

Jaina raised her eyebrows. "That's nice. Have you finished giving Obi his makeover?"

"Almost. I got distracted by my Martha Stewart Living magazine. Then I decided I had to check Allure so I could see the lastest fashions! But he will be the most charming man around by this evening!"

Anakin the younger came into that room right then, followed by Tahiri. "Mom, Zekk's at the front door and he said it again!"

"Said what, dear?"

"That he was gonna give Jaina some! Does that mean I can give Tahiri some?"

Jaina burst out laughing as Leia gasped in horror. "ANAKIN SOLO!"

"What?"

"I think it must be something very bad." Tahiri whispered to him.

Jaina continued laughing while Darth Vader said, "That's my boy!"

Leia sputtered, "Dad! Han...father...GO GET YOUR FATHER NOW, ANAKIN! And DAD, YOU GO GIVE OBI HIS MAKEOVER! OR I'LL BRING MOM INTO THIS! AND CALL YODA! And then we'll bring the EMPEROR in to talk to you!"

Darth Vader would have blanched if he didn't have a mask. "Padme? Yoda? THE EMPEROR! NOOO!!!" He dropped to his knees and grabbed Leia's legs. "PLEASE! NO!"

Ignoring him, Leia yelled, "ANAKIN! GO GET YOUR FATHER! He's gonna have a little talk with you! Tahiri, I think you should go home now!"

************

(by Rebecca191)

Tahiri frowned. "But... I don't want to go home."

"Go home. Now," Leia ordered.

"You better do what Mom says," Anakin said meekly. Tahiri stuck her tongue out at him and ran out the door.

"Mo-om! It's not fair! If getting some means something bad, why didn't you tell me, so I wouldn't say it?" Anakin whined

Ben toddled over and grabbed onto Anakin's leg. "Ani, push me on swing!" Ben demanded. Anakin scowled. Why did his little cousin want Anakin to play with him all the time now.

Wait. This could be a good thing. "Mom," Anakin said quickly. "I can't talk to Dad now. Ben wants me to push him in the swing, and he'll cry if I don't." Without waiting for an answer, Anakin picked up Ben and ran out to the backyard.

Too late, he realized that now he'd never learn what it meant to "get some."

**********

(by Rogue...Jedi)

Han invited all the guys over to watch the big Gator game on ESPN. About 15 minutes before the game, he fixed the dozen bowls of popcorn they would eat during the first half.

"Isn’t that a little too much popcorn? You know that Yoda, Mace, and Maul only eat a few bites." Leia asked when she saw him.

"Nah, if anything, its too little. I figure that Yoda, Mace, Maul, and Palpy can share a bowl, Obi-Wan and Luke can share one, a couple more for the others, and eight for myself. That’s just for the first half, you know." Han responded in all seriousness.

"EIGHT BOWLS!?!?!?!?!" Leia was shocked. "You know we’ll be eating dinner as soon as the game’s over, right."

"Of course I knew that, honey," Han said, "that’s why I’m holding myself to six bowls during the second half."

Leia shook her head and went over to join Padme and Mara so they could go grocery shopping. "Where are we going to find enough stakes to feed everybody?" she asked.

Mara looked at her as if wondering how she’d forgotten so soon. "We’ll go to the Kroger first, then the Piggly Wiggly, and so on until we find enough, of course," she said.

***************************************

DING DONG!

"I’ll get it!!!!" Jacen called. He ran to the door to find Yoda, Mace, Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gon standing there. "Hey, welcome!"

"Started not, the game has, hmmm?" Yoda inquired.

"No, we’ve still got almost five minutes until the kickoff." Jacen shook his head. "I have a bad feeling about this Gators in this game, though. It won’t be easy."

"Well, the winner has a good shot at winning the SEC East title, so I’m sure they’re ready for the Gamecocks by now." Mace dismissed Jacen’s anxiety.

"Care about your feelings, I do not. Care about watching the game, I do." Yoda said as he hopped past Jacen into the house and hurried to get a good seat to watch the game.

Not thirty seconds after he closed the door, the bell rang again. This time it was Palpatine and Maul. As soon as everyone had gathered in the den, they started talking about how bad the Gators were going to whip their opponent.

*****************************************

(Halfway through the fourth quarter)

"Hey, Anakin, get in here!" Han yelled to the other room. "The Gators lead 42-39 and they’ve got the ball!"

Anakin quickly dropped what he was doing and ran in to see the last 7 minutes of the game. The Gators had the ball on their own 15-yard line and all they had to do was burn 7 minutes off the clock and they would win the game and probably the SEC championship. They proceeded to burn 5 and a half minutes off and drive to the Gamecock 30 yard line where the quarterback dropped back for a long pass on first and ten.

"Yeah!" Han screamed as the pass approached the receiver in the end zone. Two players leaped for the ball, a Florida receiver and a Carolina defensive back wearing number 24.

"No, neither!" Jacen wailed as he saw the player in garnet and black come down with the ball and begin his own run back the other direction.

"INTERCEPTION!!!!" called the TV announcers, "to the 5, the 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, down on about the 33 yard line! This could really be huge if USC converts!"

"Oh, shut up." Han told the announcers as they watched the entire Carolina stadium erupt in cheers. "Come on, defense!"

They watched as the USC quarterback handed the ball off on the first play and the player ran for 17 yards and a first down. The Florida defense still seemed in shock of having to be back on the field, when, with 12 seconds left on the clock, the quarterback launched a pass from the Gator 34-yard line. Although there were two defenders there, they failed to get the ball as the Gamecocks scored an unexpected touchdown to take the lead 45-42 with now only 7 seconds on the clock. The extra point made the score 46-42 and Carolina prepared to kick the ball off.

The Florida returner caught the ball on his own 2-yard line and began running as fast as he could down the field, knowing there was still hope to win the game. But all of the Gator blockers failed to prevent the Carolina special teams unit from dragging him down on the 31 with a mere 2 seconds left on the clock. They only had one hope–a long bomb pass and hope someone was there to catch it. Unfortunately for Florida, the pass was broken up and the stadium erupted again.

"Aw, shoot." Han threw his hat down.

"I knew I had a bad feeling about this game," muttered Jacen.

Yoda overheard the last and yelled back at Jacen, "Care about your feelings, I do not. Try to convince me that you are right, you may. Succeed, you will not."

*************

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

Two hours after the game had finished, the entire gang was sitting at the Solo/Skywalker dinner table. Which was, of course, enourmously long, what with 30 seats. Han, Jacen, and the whole football-rooting team were moping sulkily, poking at their food, and making sly comments every so often. Padme sighed. A typical meal.

"What do you think of the dinner, dear?" she asked Luke.

Her son nodded. "I love steak."

She smiled, glancing at Mara and Leia smugly. The three women had managed to pull off their shopping trip, with extra steaks to spare.

Vader's hand held hers, the Dark Lord drinking a protein drink through a straw slipped in between the vents in his mask.

At least he manages to get his vitamins at all, she thought.

Jaina was sitting next to her, poking at her steak almost as sulkily as the Football Gang. Padme touched her arm.

"What's the matter, dear?" Padme asked quietly.

Jaina glanced up. "Oh, everything, Gramma," she replied sullenly. "I broke 6 guys' hearts. I feel like crap. And I have a headache."

"Why don't you go to bed? Your mother, aunt, and I will clean up."

"I'll help," Vader offered, catching on to the conversation.

"Okay," Jaina said. She stood up and walked down to her room.

Padme tossed a concerned glance at her husband, who shrugged.

"Hey, I know nothing about raising a teenager," he commented. "Leia was adopted by someone else."

"I cannot believe the Gators lost!" Han exclaimed for the billionth time since dinner started.

"Oh, stop whining, Han," Leia said, rolling her eyes.

Han pouted. "But it's not fair."

Leia kissed his cheek, and smiled. "I sowwy, baby."

Padme shook her head sadly. "Isn't that odd, Ani? They have such a weird relationship."

"Whatever you say, Sweet Angel."

**************

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

Lady Marmalyde blasted out of the speakers, as Darth Vader mopped the kitchen and watched a boiling pot of noodles at the same time.

"Gwampa!" Ben cried, running into the kitchen. "Tie my shoes, Gwampa!"

"Yes, of course, Ben," Vader replied, setting aside the mop. "C'mere, I'll tie them."

Just then, Padme came into view. The older woman suddenly burst out in song, belting out the last of the music in a high, beautiful, haunting voice.

Ben's eyes went wide.

"Daddy!" he cried as Luke came into the kitchen. "Daddy, Gwamma can SING!"

"I noticed," Luke commented, smiling. "Mother, I could get you in contact with some agents..."

"Oh, no!" Padme protested. "I just like to sing to the music, that's all. I don't think I could do the recording/touring thing... too much for me."

"Hey, Gwamma!" Ben said, tugging on Padme's skirt. "Dey pay you a lotta money."

Padme shot a look at her husband, who shrugged.

"Hey, don't let me stop you," he said.

"Stop who from doing what?" a voice said. Leia burst into the kitchen, a smile on her face. "C'mon, gimme the details."

Padme sighed. "They want me to be a rock star."

"Oh, good, Mother!" Leia looked positively joyous. "Mara and I can be your backup singers! Quick, Luke, call the Warner Brothers."

"On it," Luke said, snapping his fingers.

Padme sighed, and smiled as she felt Vader's hand on her shoulder.

"Look at it this way," he suggested. "We'll be making a lot more money."

She sighed again. "That's what Justin Timberlake said. Then he wound up with Britney Spears."

________________________________________

"Master Anakin, this could be potentially dangerous!" Threepio protested.

"Hold STILL, Threepio!" Anakin hissed, clenching the wrench in his hand. "Do you want your arm to work again?"

"I suppose," the droid said. If he could have sighed, he would have. "But do be careful!"

"Hey, worse comes to worse, we'll just have to get Chewie to do it. Artoo's at the hardware shop."

"Oh, the inhumanity!"

*********************

A knock came at the door. Jaina, her face pressed into the couch pillow, lifted her head and yelled,

"Could someone PLEASE get the door besides me?!"

"Coming," Jacen said. He flung the door open. "Oh, hey, you guys."

Grand Admiral Thrawn, Admiral Pellaeon, Admiral Piett, Admiral Daala, General Veers, and Grand Moff Tarkin entered the hallway, grinning and smiling like a Hutt winning a bet on a podrace.

"Hey, Vader!" Tarkin called. "We're here!"

"Oh, good!" Vader said, coming into view. "Did you bring the Executor?"

"Up in orbit," Thrawn replied. "Now, I must ask you... Where do you keep your art?"

"I make art, blue man!" Ben cried, running up to the Grand Admiral. "I show you!" He took Thrawn's hand and tugged him away from the group.

Thrawn face clearly said, "I wish I wasn't here right now".

"Where's Mara and the rest of the ladies?" Daala wanted to know.

"They're out," Jaina replied gruffly. "Making a RECORD and becoming FAMOUS and getting attention from the PRESS."

"What's her problem?" Veers muttered under his breath.

"Teenage 'I get too much attention from the guys' depression," Vader explained.

"I know how THAT feels," Daala stated. "But no one dares mess with me, now that my Pumpkin takes care of me!" she added, grinning at Tarkin.

Tarkin smiled. "Of course, Sweet Cheeks. No one can touch you."

Jaina groaned. "And Big Man, and Zekkie Poo, and Bobie, and Maulie, and Kyp-a-lot, and..."

"Jaina, why don't you go to your room?" Vader suggested. "The guys and I have a lot of catching up to do."

Jaina groaned again, stood up, marched down to her room, and slammed the door.

******************

(by Rebecca191)

Ben proudly held up a sheet of paper with what appeared to be colorful scribbles on it. He pointed his chubby little fist at the picture.

"Me. And Mama, and Papa, and Jaya, and Jasa, and Ani, and Auntie Leia and Uncle Han and our house." Ben gave his trademark adorable smile.

Thrawn couldn't take this anymore. He turned and went back towards the group. Ben promptly began to wail.

"Jaina!" Vader called. "Come down here and babysit your cousin so we can get some peace and quiet!"

Jaina stomped down the stairs, clearly not happy. "Why do I always have to clean my room and do my homework and help Mom and watch Ben and I get no gratitude at all?" she practically shouted.

"Jaya," Ben sniffed. "Blue man not like my art."

Jaina sighed and picked up Ben. "My allowance better get raised for this," she grumbled.

*********

(by DarthIshtar)

"Popcorn?"

"Check."

"Junior mints?"

"Check."

"M&M's?"

"Check."

"Nachos?"

"Check."

"Jumbo-size Mountain Dew?"

"Check."

Sabe blew out her cheeks in frustration, then turned to her date. "All right, Obi-Wan, your turn. You want anything?"

Flabbergasted, he simply shook his head behind the mountain of munchies.

"Good. They're already in previews."

Trying to find comfortable seats with two impatient Wookiees was not what one would describe as "easy," but they managed to get settled in by the time the opening credits were over.

"The woman I love is...dead."

"Oh, great," Sabe muttered. "As if we need another sob story."

"It's a musical," Obi-Wan countered. "What do you expect?"

Whatever they expected, they certainly didn't anticipate to see a familiar face on the screen.

"Obi-Wan," Sabe said carefully, "you didn't tell me..."

"THAT'S NOT ME!"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Sorry."

She flashed him a wicked grin. "This'll be interesting. Pass the Junior Mints."

"Yes, dear."

And so it began, with horrified bemusement and growing dread, until.

"DEAR GODS, OBI-WAN. THE HILLS ARE WHAT?!"

"SHHHHHHHHH!"

Obi-Wan slunk down in his chair, face flaming behind the jumbo Mountain Dew. "And I thought the Clone Wars were bad."

"Sith take the Clone Wars," Sabe laughed. "This is more apalling than the Jedi Purges."

Chewie rumbled something suspiciously like "No arguments there."

"I wouldn't have taken you for a poet."

"I wouldn't have taken me for a singer."

She snorted in disgust. "Yes, Qui-Gon told me about your shower-bound caterwauling."

If possible, his face flushed brighter. "Let's just watch the movie and keep our mouths shut."

But doing so proved to be more difficult than either of them anticipated. First agape in shock, then forming a very undignified "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

[Oh, come now,] Mala chided. [You're a grown man. Don't tell me you're squirmy about... Never mind, I don't want to know.]

"You'd be squirmy if someone just called you 'big boy!'" Obi-Wan countered hotly. "Or if she were flailing about half-naked on the ground while you're trying to recite poetry."

"Oh, I'm sure it happens to you all the time," Sabe quipped.

"Don't ask," Obi-Wan moaned.

"What, it does?!"

"I said, don't ask. Watch the movie and eat your popcorn."

Three minutes of agony later, she was out of aforementioned popcorn and Obi-Wan valiantly fled for his life to refill it.

He returned to find himself mid-medley.

"Do I want to know?" he hissed.

"Not likely, but let's just say that it was quite spectacular spectacular."

"You're right," he mused. "I don't want to know."

"And now I'm..."

"Trying to seduce her on top of a giant stone elephant."

Obi-Wan blinked repeatedly, before breathing one horrified syllable: "Why?"

"Gods help us if we know."

"At this point, even I don't think divine intervention could improve this."

And on it went.

"Snogging.

"Still snogging.

"Gods, Kenobi, don't you ever come up for air?"

"Definitely worse than the Clone Wars," he grumbled.

"Remind me not to let you kiss me goodnight."

Whereupon he spilled the drinks. "Why not?"

"I might never recover."

He shook his head. "Gods help us, indeed."

******************

(by Antillies2001)

Vader:Look guys!I rented a video!It's called "Spaceballs".

Tarkin:*GASP*YOU RENTED PORN?!YOU...YOU..PERVERT!!!

Thrawn:You bumbling fool,it's a comedy!

Tarkin:Oh,then pop it in.

20 min later

Dark Helmet:Keep firing assholes!!

Vader:You know,that guy strangely looks familier..

Tarkin:Hmmm...I think that guy is supposed to spoof Jabba the Hutt.

Thrawn:*sigh*Moron...

another 20 min later

Vader:Did anybody else notice the Millenium Falcon on the Galaxy Grill?

Thrawn:COULD YOU JUST SHUT UP?!?!?!

Vader:*ignites lightsaber*

Thrawn:*nervously*hehehe...sorry..

Vader:Thought so...

End of movie

Singers:Spaceballs!!Watch Out!!We're the Spaceballs!!

Vader:Now THAT was a nice movie.

Tarkin:I wonder if I can find the formula for Liquid Schwarz...

Thrawn:No wonder the first Death Star was blown up...

Vader:Oh,I also rented:"Indiana Jones"......

****************************

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

"So, Thrawn," Vader said, leaning back on the couch. "How is life treating you?"

The Grand Admiral frowned. "Not too badly, all things considered. Though your grandson, Ben..." He motioned Vader to lean in so he could hear him-- "He has potential."

"In what?"

"Art. Perhaps I could give him lessons, hmm?"

"Oh, well, that sounds fabulous." Just then, Mara walked by, and Vader touched her shoulder to get her attention. "Mara, my dear daughter-in-law..."

"Have you ever considered.... art, for your son's academic skills?" Thrawn asked, cutting in.

Mara frowned. "Why, no. Ben seems happy eating and sleeping and making noise. Why would he take art lessons at two years old?"

"He has the potential," Thrawn replied.

"I'll have to talk to Luke about it. Anyhoo, I'm off! Leia, Padme, and I have a meeting with a VERY big music producer. Tata!"

After she was gone, Piett said, "Since when does she use words such as 'tata'?"

Vader shrugged. "Since she had Ben. Must be some sort of denial."

Just then, Anakin burst into the living room, grinning. "Grandpa, come see! That boy down the road, Roger, has a brand new four-wheeler!"

Vader frowned behind his mask. "From who?"

Anakin shuffled his feet. "His Grandpa."

Vader stood up, shoved the boy aside, and beckoned the Imperial officers to follow him. He walked outside, and was, indeed, greeted with the sight of several children staring in undeniable awe at Roger and his new four-wheeler.

"Hey, look, it's the Vader guy!" a kid cried, snickering.

"Someone's a little too obsessed with Star Wars," a girl muttered.

Thrawn came over, putting on his most menacing face. The children moved aside, letting the Imperials come through.

"So," Vader rasped to the boy sitting on the four-wheeler. "You're Roger, I presume."

Roger sneered. "That's right, Gramps. Ain't she a beauty?"

Vader glanced down at the boy scornfully. "'Ain't'," he repeated. "Is that a word, Mr. Roger?"

"I dunno, and I don't care," Roger replied, lifting his shoulders in a shrug.

"Perhaps it's time you learned respect for those older--and wiser, and smarter--than a scrawny show-off such as yourself." Vader lifted his hand, and snapped his fingers. "Piett, Pellaeon... Bring me my vehicle."

"Which one, My Lord? TIE fighter, shuttle, or podracer?"

"None of the above." Vader rubbed his hands together. "Bring me.... the Jaguar."

"Yes, M'lord." The two officers bowed and went off towards the direction of the Solo/Skywalkers' huge garage.

Perhaps it was Vader's imposing stance. Perhaps it was his odd choice of words, or the frightening way he said them. But Roger, unshakable Roger, looked slightly frightened.

Not outright, shaking-in-his-shoes scared, of course. He had a reputation to keep. He still kept his mask of pure hatred, his stance of power. But his eyes betrayed his worry.

Fear is good, Vader thought. Let the little brat know who is in charge on this block.

The Jaguar rolled up just then, and Vader took the pilot's seat.

"Now, boy," Vader said, "you will see who owns this side of the neighborhood."

"Start your engines!" Daala cried.

Vader turned the ignition, as Roger gunned his engine.

"And... GO!" Daala said, dropping her hand.

Then they were off. Vader clenched his fists around the steering wheel, and smiled evilly behind his mask.

It's been way too long since I've done this.

_____________________________________

Palpatine examined his nails, enjoying the freshly-manicured feel of them. He took a deep breath, smiling as the scent of spring filled his nose, along with his herbal candles, the spaghetti cooking on the stove, and the engine fuel just outside the window...

Engine fuel?

Then he heard it. Far away at first, then growing louder and louder. He peeked out his open window, just in time to be blasted with hot air and the roar of engines.

"BLAST YOU, VADER! KEEP IT DOWN! Darn neighborhood kids... blasted Jaguar... Sithly four-wheeler..." A sudden, evil gleam filled Palpatine's eye. "Sithly four-wheeler? Very interesting. Veeery interesting, indeed..."

__________________________________

Vader let out a whoop as he crossed the "finish line" first, leaving Roger and his precious four-wheeler in the dust.

He leapt out of the car, swinging his hips and doing a victory dance.

"Uh-huh, oh yeah... who's da man NOW, Roger?"

The boy gave him a defeated glare, then his face turned into a pout.

"C'mon, guys," he muttered to his friends. "Let's go."

"Grandpa, that was great!" Jaina cried. She had come out earlier to watch the race, and her face was now covered in a wide grin. A rare sight, these days.

He hugged her, then Padme, who kissed the side of his helmet. Underneath, he blushed.

"Now THAT," he said with finality, "was podracing."

***************

(by 2535)

7:30AM Saturday:

Han stepped into the kitchen of the Skywalker/Solo household. Normally he would be the first to awake, yet today he was shocked to see Vader sitting at the table, coffee mug in one hand, Trading Post in the other.

"Morning Han," Vader simply said.

"Morning. Thinking of doing a little shopping?" Han replied, noticing the Trading post.

"Selling actually," Vader said, gesturing towards the garage. "I think I've got too much stuff in there."

"Since when?"

"Let's see, Executer, the shuttle, the TIE fighter, Padme's ship, the Pod racer, the Jaguar."

"You know how Padme feels about the Nubian," Han pointed out.

"I know, yet it's the most expensive one in there, worth even more than the Executor."

Han glanced up from his mug. "Since when did you start having money problems?"

"It's not me, its Palpy."

Han was confused. What would that old prune need with Vader's money? Wasn't he Emperor?

"Since when was he broke?"

"Who's broke?" Han and Vader turned to see Luke and Mara. "Just what are you two conspiring about?" Mara frowned.

"Palpatine isn't broke," Vader said. As soon Luke and Mara were seated, Vader started to tell the whole story. "My sources tell me that there's going to be a new retirement home being built for elderly Sith masters."

"Whoa," Luke said. "You're <i> sending <i> him there? I thought you two were over that master/apprentice backstabbing." Vader's silence indicated that it was not.

"I honestly don't get it. We all know he's senile. So what does this have to do with selling the ships? I hope you're not thinking about the Falcon?"

Vader shook his head. "None of you know what it's like to work for nearly thirty years with that guy. Sure, he may refer to me as 'Dark Lord of the Sith', but who's he kidding? Anyway, by shipping him off there, I'll rid of him. The problem is that it's just too expensive."

Luke got out of his seat. "I don't believe this, I turned you back from the dark side, yet nothing's changed."

The phone rang. <i> If it's either Maul or Boba <i>, Han thought.

Mara picked up the phone. "Long distance call from Mos Espa, Tatooine." At first Mara looked at Luke, yet Vader stood to take the call.

"Hello?"

"I'm calling about the podracer."

The voice was rough, having come from a person who spent most of their life in the Mos Espa area.

"I'm selling the pod for two million credits," Vader said.

"Two Million!? No pod is worth two million credits, not by a long shot!"

It was then that Vader recognised the voice. <i> Toydarian, middle aged, used to possessing lots of money. <i>

"One million and five hundred thousand," the voice on the other end said.

"Done!" Vader said.

"I'll come around tomorrow to pick it up."

"Thankyou." Vader hung up.

"Well?" Luke asked.

"He'll be picking it up tomorrow." Vader left the kitchen. First he'd have to tell Padme. Then he'd have to take the pod to the carwash. Tomorrow: Payback time!

2pm:

There was a knock on Jaina's bedrrom door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Dutch. Jaina, it's been a long time, so I got you a present."

Jaina opened the door. Not only was Dutch standing there, but with him was a small furry creature.

"You got me a pet Ewok?"

"His name is Wicket," Dutch said.

"I, I don't know a thing about how to take care of animals."

"Wicket's no animal," Dutch said. "He's just a little guy who needs special love and attention. Right little fella?"

"Yub!" The Ewok replied.

"I don't know," Jaina said. She didn't want to give him the brush off. "Didn't you check with my parents?"

"Everyone already loves him. Although your Grandpa hasn't seem him yet."

Jaina smiled. She reached up and kissed Dutch's cheek. "I'm sure grandpa will love him."

8pm:

Vader decided to call it a night. He spent the whole day fixing the podracer. Although he didn't care much for Watto, he needed the money. Luke had accused him being too close to the dark side in desiring money and enterning ambitious competition. <i> Just this once, <i> he thought to himself.

He decided to leave the podracer in the drive way. After six hours of straight hard work, it looked the same as it did that day when he won the Boonta.

As Vader walked towards the door, he heard two voices in the front yard giggling. Hiding behind the mail box were none other than Maul and Boba Fett.

"Man, she's hot," Maul said.

"You should see her with Infra Red!" Boba said, adjusting his visor to get a better look at Jaina.

"Heh, don't worry, I came prepared!" Maul held up the remote control for the probe droids.

"You're wicked," Boba said.

Before Maul could press a button, two gloved hands picked up both of them and threw to two voyeurs into the street.

"Get outta here!!!" Vader said.

Maul and Boba both flipped Vader the finger before disappearing into the street.

Vader shook his head. He started walking towards the front door when there was a loud crash coming from the garage. The front door opened as Luke, Han and Jacen ran to see what was going on.

"What happened?" Han shouted.

Vader's senses were focused on the Pod. What was once his key to financial freedom was now a heap of shrapnel on the drive way. He pointed to the garage. "I sense a disturbance in the Force."

Suddenly the garage door rolled open, revealing the vandaliser responsible for Vader's veins being on the verge of popping.

"Uhhh, Grandpa," Jacen said. "Meet Wicket."

"Yub Yub!"

****************

(by PeterTutham27)

Nobody was laughing that night at dinner...

Vader took the blow surprisingly well.. After three hours with his roses, he simply said... "....I'll make supper tonight..."

No one wanted to argue.

"Well," Padme had said. "At least something good is coming out of our subscription to Martha Stewart Living..."

The whole gang was left to themselves until dinner was ready, as Vader (after donning his pink apron) chased anyone who entered the kitchen with a threatening spoon.

Han had rather lost his appetite for football after the Gator's loss, so he confided himself to reading 'Car and Driver' magazine. Jaina sulked in her room, Jacen was writing a "Why I should get Married" pros and cons list, the Admirals were hard at work trying to beat each other's records at Snood, Luke and Mara were (A-HEM!) indisposed.... and Leia was learning how to crochet exotic underwear.

"Yes! I have bested you once again!" Thrawn gloated as he shattered the past high score record. "It's very simple once you cross-catagorize according to color and shape and the sounds reveal a lot of the game producer's strategic weaknesses..."

"Oh shut up!" the others yelled crankily...

"Dinner!" Vader called, banging a pot and whisking off his pink apron.

Han got up with a groan and the cover of his "Car and Driver" magazine slipped off to reveal none other than his guide to crossdressing...

"DAD! I NEVER KNEW!" Jaina yelled.

"Uh.. honey... About the groundation of yours... Let's say that the next two times you get grounded... you aren't..."

Jaina smiled... Well, it gave her some lee-way...

Thrawn begrudgingly left the computer and the rest of the gang all went to the table. They all dug in to the delicious stew and very little conversation was made...

"Um.. Grampa," Jaina said. "This is great stew..."

No response...

Leia tried another approach..

"Um.. Father, I'm having this horticultural problem..."

"MOM!" Jacen yelled. "I NEVER KNEW!"

"It means it has to do with plants," Han scolded him...

Still nothing from Vader...

//Did he fall asleep inside there?// Jaina wondered...

"BEAT CHU!!!" Ben suddenly yelled from the other room, and Thrawn bolted in to confirm his horrors... Ben had just beat him at Snood!

Then, Anakin walked in from the garage. "Hey grampa, I think that I just fixed your podracer.... I had to break up 3P0 for parts, but..."

Suddenly Jaina's eyes went wide... "Um... where's Wicket?" she asked... Suddenly everyone looked down at their stew and the clink of forks and dishes went eerily silent...

******************

(by 2535)

Suddenly Wicket appeared in the doorway, much to everyone's relief.

"Hang on a sec, if Wicket's not in [i]there[i] than-" Leia said, pointing to her plate.

Padme noticed a piece of paper sticking out of the pink apron's pocket. It was a page ripped out of an old cook book. Vader had just cooked the only thing worse than Ewok stew.

"Dagobah Dirt Stew?" she grimaced.

"I knew it tasted familiar!" Luke said.

Everone's eyes turned to Vader, who was still calm as a statue. After a few seconds, vomit started to seep out of the mask, forcing the Sith Lord to collapse on the floor. Soon everyone was heading to the bathroom, trying to prevent the digestion of raw Dagobah nutrients.

"Man," Anakin said, his lips covered in bile. "Master Yoda fed you this while you were training?" He said to Luke.

"I think he fed to all of the Jedi Council," Luke said before bending over the toilet.

"This is the last time we let [i]him[i] cook anything!" Han screamed.

The next day, 11am:

The door knocked.

Padme went to answer it. She hardly looked any good due to lack of sleep. Dirt stew and Beans, in addition to Coca Cola were a very bad combination.

She opened the door.

"You!" Watto said.

Suddenly Vader appeared in the door way behind Padme. "It's been a long time, hasn't it Watto?"

Watto stared up at the tall masked figure. "Anakin? Is that really you?"

"Have you got the money?" Vader said.

Watto opened his wallet and paid him in cash. In exchange, Vader gave him the keys to the podracer. "Enjoy," Vader simply said.

Watto hopped into the racer and started the engine. Soon he was speeding down the street until he disappeared, shouting "Yahoo!"

Anakin Solo watched as the Toydarian turned at the intersection.

"Did you do what I told you?" Vader said to the boy.

Anakin opened his hand to reveal three bolts. The boy smiled.

"Excellent," Vader said, rubbing his hands together.

Padme's jaw dropped. "You didn't."

* * *

"Sith Retirement home, how may we help you?" The voice on the phone said.

"I was wondering if I could make an inquiry for one of my, uh...relatives," Vader said.

"Yes sir. Our retirement home is specially designed for Sith masters in need of intensive treatment of mental illness and other forms of dementia."

"How much does it cost?"

"For $1500000, we will take complete care of your relative. That includes meals, medical care and funeral/cremation arrangements."

[i]This is too good,[i] Vader thought.

"However," the voice continued, "we are very selective and require sufficient visual and audio evidence that your relative is in need of our care."

[i]Visual and audio evidence that Palpy's senile, how in the Force's name am I going to get that?[i] "Okay, thankyou." Vader hung up.

* * *

The cordless phone in Palpatine's house rang.

"Emperor Palpatine," he answered.

"Mr. Palpatine! You have been randomly selected for the Secret Holiday challenge! For your chance to win a Holiday to a secret destination, all you have to do is complete this challenge!"

Palpatine thought about it. At his age, he needed one. "Alright."

"Here's the challenge. Sing the theme from 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'!"

[i]"What!?"[i]

"C'mon, for a-"

Palpatine sighed. "Fine." He gripped the phone as if it were a microphone.

"It's astounding

Time is fleeting

Madness takes its toll

But listen closely

Not for very much longer

I've got to keep control."

* * *

"Are you getting all of this?" Luke said.

By now Palpatine was into the chorus: "I remember doing the Time Warp

Drinking those moments when

The blackness would hit me

And the void would be calling

Let's do the Time Warp again

Let's do the Time Warp again!"

Han kept his gaze on the screen of his digital camcorder. "Some things are just better than cable."

* * *

One week later:

The whole gang was crowded around the TV watching the racing.

"Schumaker is in the lead, followed by first-time racer Watto in his jet-engine pod vehicle. Wait! Watto has just overtaken Schumaker. There seems to be smoke coming from Watto's left engine - Oh Sh** he's heading right for us! He gonna crash!" The podracer exploded into flame. A minute later the screen showed an ambulance and pit crew recovering podracer and Toydarian parts. "The most likely cause of Watto's crash seems to be Sabotage," the announcer said. "In addition to the fact that his pod was bought second hand."

Everyone in the room turned to Vader and Anakin.

"What?" Anakin asked innocently.

The doorbell rang. Leia answered to reveal Palpatine holding two large travel bags.

"I'll be going on a holiday for about a month."

"That's great!" Leia said. "You're not taking your guards with you?"

"No," Palpatine replied with a smile. "I'll be having far too much fun to be in any danger! Anyway, I'm running late for the shuttle, Ta-ta!" He went down to the taxi waiting on the driveway.

Leia gently closed the door.

"He has no idea..." Vader said.

"Just where does he think he's going? He seemed a bit too jolly," Leia said.

Luke and Han smiled. "Hawaii."

* * *

1 Day later:

Palpatine stepped out of the shuttle. He raised his arms ready to take in the beaches, the bright sunshine the-

All he saw was a series of buildings surrounded by lawn. The only people here seemed to be nurses and old people dressed in black hooded robes.

One of the robed ones took a step towards Palpatine. He was taller, older, with a thick white beard. "Palpy!" Count Dooku said, "how long has it been? Twenty? Thirty years?"

Palpatine suddenly felt stupid at himself. He was dressed in board shorts, a hawaian shirt and a flower necklace around his neck.

"Crap!"

**********

(by 2535)

********

"Is this all you do all day?" Palpatine said. "Just how the hell are we supposed to pass the time?"

"There's not much else to do," Dooku replied. "The nurses are too paranoid."

The two of them sat with the other Sith in the TV room of the retirement home. Nothing much exciting was on tonight. There was a news report:

"After the not-so-tragic incident involving Watto's crash, Shumacker is still world champion."

The Crocodile Hunter:

"Now, I'm going to sneak up on him - Crikey, he's a tall one! - then I'm going give a strong hard tackle, allowing me to shoot him with the tranquilizer."

"Mesa no wanten crunchen!!!"

and finally, Batman: The Animated Series. The Sith watched with envy as the Joker commited his crimes with pure insanity and no concept of morality. Suddenly, when the excitement started to build, Palpatine started to laugh uncontrollably.

"What's so funny?" Dooku asked.

"Remember Vader's son? You know, Mr. I'm-a-Jedi-like-my-father-before-me?"

"Yeah, so?"

Palpatine pointed his finger at the TV.

"Noo," Dooku leaned forward to get a better look at the screen. "A Jedi do-gooder pulling off a role like that, now that's what I call acting!"

Suddenly two nurse entered the room. They were young and (too) attractive. One was blonde, the other brunette. To Palpatine, they looked like girls who flunked the Naboo Handmaidens school. "Bathtime, Master Dooku."

Palpatine was exasperated. "Who made you master? The last time I saw you you were nothing more than an apprentice of the Dark Side!"

"That's not why I'm called 'master' around here," Dooku grinned.

Palpatine's jaw dropped in disgust. "You're old enough to be the great-grandfather of these nurses!"

"Oh come on, you now what they about male Jedi masters."

"That rumor is just a lame urban myth started by deprived women during the purges!" Palpatine spat.

It was no use. Count Dooku and his little harem were already heading to the bathroom. Palpatine noticed Dooku whisper something into the blonde nurse's ear which made her giggle.

"Didn't he know there's already a pill for that?" She said, glancing over her shoulder in Palpatine's direction.

Palpatine slouched in his chair. First he got sent to this prison he didn't deserve to be in. Then a guy twenty years his senior gets to play in the bathtub with two of the prettiest girls in the galaxy. He admitted that he had done a few bad things in his life, but did he really deserve this?

He turned his attention back to the TV. There was a new show on. Reality TV, Palpatine thoght. The lowest of the low.

"Tonight, have you ever wondered what old people do when your're not noticing them? Find out on 'When Old People Go Bad!'"

The screen now showed Palpatine himself. He was shocked to see himself singing and dancing.

His fingers dug into his chair. His face was distorted into an evil grimace. The last thought he had before the vein in his forehead exploded was DAMN YOU SKYWALKERS!!!

****

(by PeterTutham27)

Birds scattered, Mothers took kids off the streets, glass shattered, and dogs went crazy....

"Not bad," said Kyp. "But I need more bass so that I'll sound awesomer when I come in on my electric guitar solo!"

"Dude," said Maul, twirling his drum sticks. "Why do you get all the solos?"

"Because I'm the best of all of us... And Jaina likes my playing more..." Kyp swaggered.

"No, she'll love bass players more, we have more heart..." insisted Zekk.

"It doesn't matter!" Boba shouted. "When she first hears THE REJECTS perform, she'll want all of us! ..... but me the most..." he added.

"No way! Vocals are the most important!" Jag shouted. "Through words, I can tell her how she means the galaxy to me... "

"Oh, please! You couldn't carry a tune in a loading barge!"

"You think you could do better?"

"I think that A Rodian molesting a Hutt would sound better!"

"Anything would sound better than the poodoo you're playing!"

"You wanna say that again, you lousy Ranat humper?"

Anarchy reigned.

***************

"Ok, I think we got it, let's try playing "Baby" again!" Kyp said.

"But I'm tired and I'm sick of playing!" Zekk said.

"Shut up you reject!"

Somehow, the insult fell flat.

"1..2...1.2.3.4!" Maul counted off, clicking his sticks as the band began to play.

"Hey baby!

I love you more each day!

Yeah, baby!

I love every word that you say!"

"OOOOOOH!"

"Baby!

I need you!

Baby!

I want you!"

"Yeah, baby!"

"One day baby,

I'll say, "Hey, ah!

baby- I really want to-"

"LEIA!" ( )

Everyone stopped suddenly as one perturbed looking braided wonder waltzed into the garage.

"Hi Jaina's mom!" Boba said innocently. "Something the matter?"

"Well, yes," said the Chief of State. "You know my father, Vader... Well, with the metal plate in his head, all he gets is your playing.. And well, it makes him... grouchy..."

"SHUT THE #$#$!@#%!# UP BEFORE YOU HURT MY ROSES!" a yell rumbled the garage.

"And uh..." Leia tried to continue. "Ever heard of something called a court ordered restraining order?"

The Rejects just stared at her...

*****************

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

"G'morning!" Luke said as Vader walked into the kitchen.

Vader blinked.

Luke was wearing Vader's "kiss the cook's butt" apron, and was currently frying eggs in the pan.

"Luke, what in the name of the sweet mother of the Force do you think you're doing?!"

"Cooking!" Luke replied cheerfully. "I figured I'd better take over for you this morning."

"Why?!"

Luke blinked. "Because it's you and Mom's anniversary."

"Dear Force, I had forgotten! Where's your mother?"

"Resting on the couch with a magazine. You were planning to take her out, right?"

"That was the general idea, yes. There's a small concert at the park this afternoon."

But knowing how life usually is--

"Hey, what a great idea!" Luke exclaimed, removing the apron. "We'll all go."

Figures.

_______________________________________

At the park, several families and couples were laying out their blankets and settting up lawn chairs, but eyes lifted almost on cue as the Gang made their enterance.

"Where do we sit, dear?" Padme murmured.

"As far away from the family as possible," Vader replied sourly. "It's our date, after all."

"Of course," Padme said, "it would be a shame to make Dutch and Jaina sit with the family."

"They'll survive," Vader growled.

Padme kissed his hand. "Don't be such a grump."

"Yes, Angel."

"Now," the announcer said, "some soothing sounds from the Peace Brigade band!"

Classical music had always been Padme's favorite, and the Peace Brigade most of all. Thus, Vader enjoyed the way her eyes lit up at the name of the band.

"You shouldn't have!" she said, kissing the side of his helmet.

He shrugged, blushing. "I did."

Twenty minutes later, the music stopped, and the announcer got back up on the stage.

"The Peace Brigade, everyone!"

Scattered applause filtered through Vader's helmet.

"And now," the announcer continued, "a brand new band, hoping to make their big debut. Please welcome.... THE REJECTS!!!"

Across the small audience, Vader saw Jaina's eyes widen in fear and utter horror.

"Hi, everyone!" Kyp said as he climbed up on the stage. "Hey, Jaina," he added, winking.

Jaina groaned. Dutch glared at Kyp.

"I'm Kyp," Kyp continued, "and this is Zekk, Jag, Boba, Maul, and our newest additions, Neo and Batman!"

Scattered applause.

Padme looked disturbed. If Vader could see his face, he was pretty darn sure it would look the same.

"Our first song is called, 'Infra-red'!" Maul called. "We dedicate it to the very reason we began in the first place: Jaina Solo!"

Jaina groaned.

"ONE TWO THREE FOUR!"

Cuz baby baby baby, you've got infra-red! Infra-red! Infra-red!! OOOOOO, yeah!!" ///

"Where is the Noghri when you need them?" Vader muttered.

"We're leaving!" Padme announced.

They stood, crossed the lawn, gathered the rest of the Skywalker/Solos (who were, of course, just as frightened), and left the facility.

Just as the song ended, a loud chorus rose up from the booing crowd:

"WE LOVE YOU, JAINA!"

Dutch fumed, and Jaina sagged down in a faint.

Vader and Padme could only laugh.

*********

(by Marawannabe)

(Back at the house)

Jaina sighed unhappily as Han finished welding durasteel to her only bedroom window.

"Dad, I don't think that's going to help."

Han removed his helmet and gave her a look. "Young lady, unless they recruit Superman, no one will be looking through this window again."

"Daaa-aad!" Jaina whined.

"Han!" came Leia's shrill voice.

"What?" Han bellowed down.

"Quit pestering your daughter and get down here before the popcorn gets cold!"

"Oh, goody. Game time!"

Jaina folded her arms angrily and stormed down the stairs after her father. "Grampa! Look what Dad did!"

_____________________________________________

(outside)

"Aww man!" Kyp said.

"What?" Zekk cried while trying to pick thorns out of his side from falling in Vader's roses.

"They covered the window! Now what are we going to do for inspiration?"

"It's gone, all is gone!" Maul sobbed.

Batman and Neo pattted Maul awkwardly on the back.

_____________________________________________

"And then," Jaina continued to whine to her grandfather, "He put a durasteel plate over my window, How is that fair?"

Vader cocked his head silently.

"Grampa?"

"Hush child, someone has been in my roses!" Vader's voice took on a thunderous quality.

"How do you know?" Jaina wrinkled her nose in confusion.

"Because my child, I have felt it."

_____________________________________________

Anakin stuck his head out the door and whispered fiercly, "Y'all had better run."

Kyp looked over his shoulder. "Who, us?" he went for the innocent approach.

Anakin sighed. "Don't say I didn't try to warn you.

"Now, honey..." Padme's voice could be heard from inside the house.

All of a sudden, the back door crashed down as Lord Vader stormed out into the yard. "Who has been in my roses????" He belloowed, his dark glance fastened on the Rejects in the yard.

"Was it you?"

"Um, no sir." Kyp said, "We haven't been anywhere near your roses."

"Well, than WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Vader screamed as Padme ran out into the yard.

"Darling, remember your blood pressure."

"I want an answer!" Vader continued.

"We, uh, we were..." Zekk stammered.

"We were forming.... uh, forming a congo line!" Maul piped up suddenly.

"That's right!" Kyp said. "One, two, cha, cha, cha."

"Oh, look darling a congo line!" Padme squealed in delight. "Let's join them!"

"Yes, my angel."

One, two, cha, cha, cha

Mara stuck her head out the hole that had once been the back door. "Oh, cool, Congo! Luke!!!! Leia, Anakin, Ben, Jacen, Jaina, Han! Anybody else, CONGO LINE!!!"

Everyone poured out of the house and joined the line,

One, two, cha, cha, cha

"Did someone say, Congo?" Han's voice came from the doorway.

The whole line came to a shocked stop to see Han in a full length skirt with a tall fruit hat.

"Dad!" Jaina screamed. "My life is ruined!"

"No it's not, everybody Congo!"

One, two, cha, cha, cha

The line resumed this time with Han at the lead with Leia behind him.

"Han, you never told meabout this side of you!" Leia's shocked voice whispered in his ear.

"What do you think?"

"Rrrrrr."

*********

(by Qui_Xux)

"NOW what are we gonna do?" Maul wailed. The Rejects had retired back to their garage. "Durasteel!"

Jag kicked a bucket. It slammed into the wall, bounced off, and hit Zekk in the head. "Hey, man!" Zekk glared.

"If it hadn't been for your singing, Han would never have blocked off her window!" Jag retorted.

"Me? Your guitar playing SUCKED. It would have made a bantha keel over and die." Zekk yelled.

"Eat BANTHA DUNG." Jag clenched his fists.

"Oh, go suck a wamprat!"

"Now, guys..." Batman stood between the two and held out his hands. "I have a way to solve all of this. I called an old friend of mine." He lowered his arms and waved toward the garage door. "May I introduce to you..."

At this, a man in what appeared to be tight longjohns walked through the door.

"SUPERMAN!" Batman concluded triumphantly.

~*~

Back at the Solo/Skywalker residence, the congo line had finally broken up.

Vader was laughing like an idiot. "What fun! I haven't had that much fun since I blew up Alderaan!"

"FATHER!" Leia glared at him.

"Honeybunch, I don't think reminding Leia about that is a very good idea." Padmé whispered confidentially.

Vader's helmet turned red. "Yes, sweet Angel. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to me! Apologize to Leia!"

"Yes, sweet Angel. Leia, I'm sorry."

Leia drew a deep breath. "You're forgiven. After all, you did put Palpatine in the old folks home... Although, since you already killed him once, it's no wonder he turned senile."

~*~

That evening, Yoda was walking around the kitchen, singing, "Love you, I do," and whacking everyone who came into the kitchen with his wooden cooking spoon. "OUT, you'll stay!" He finally yelled as he smacked Jacen on the back of the leg. "Cooking, I am!"

"But my fiancée is coming for dinner! It has to be good!" Jacen moaned.

Padmé walked into the kitchen. Yoda was about to hit her, but her death glare stopped him. "Touch me and you'll wind up with Palpy."

A shudder ran through Yoda, and he moved his spoon so Padmé could get through.

"Don't worry, Jacen." Padmé said, suddenly cheerful, as she pulled out several large bowls. "We're having wampa steaks and swamp-algae stew, fresh from Dagobah! Dinner will be wonderful!"

Jacen groaned at the thought of what dinner with his family was going to be like.

********

Padme started at her family. She sighed. They spent so much time staring at

the holo-vid than doing what families were supposed to do: spend time

together. Fed up with it, she took hold of the situation.

"OK, we're going to the beach," she announced. "We need some quality time with each other. "

Mara, Han, Luke, Jacen, Jaina, and Ben just continued to stare at the TV.

"AHEM--"

Just then Leia came out with a bathing suit Han immediately reacted and

started at her with a sly grin. "Hey hun, aren't we looking fine today?"

Leia rolled her eye. "Yeah. This hun's going to the beach as the rest of you

are. Get moving!"

The gang hustled out of the leaving area not wishing to disobey the two fiery women.

Padme grinned happily at Leia. Maybe things would turn out fine after all.

****

The Rejects gang huddled in the bushes afraid to leave. After the incident

with the roses and the cover-up congo dance that ended in a havoc chase

from the tireless Darth Vader, they found their hiding place, across the street. They discussed the topic on what to do next.

"Well, the dancing was a bad idea, though I found our singing not too bad,"

Kyp proudly boasted.

The other Rejects just stared at him. Kyp look stunned.

"What?" he asked, examining himself. "Do I have a bug on me or something?"

They shook their heads and pointed at the Skywalker/Solo's house as they

saw Vader's precious Jaguar being started up, as if the family was up to

something.

Then they saw Ben running with a HUGE beach ball and stuffed it into the trunk.

They all smiled evilly and dashed off to their secret hiding place to change into.. Their magical.... coloristic.. trunks... covered in.... with only....pictures.. of... I JAINA FANCLUB!

*****

With Vader at the steering wheel and Mara, Ben, Luke, Anakin, Han, Leia, Jacen, and an angry Jaina as they waited for Padme to come out. As she finally did, all the men boggled out as they saw her VERY sexy bikini. The other women blushed furiously, wishing they had Padmé's figure. On the other hand, Padme opened the car door, and sat down with a kind of sad/happy look on her face.

Vader stared at her curiously. "Anything wrong?"

"I'll tell you at the beach."

So they drove off down the road unaware of the mysterious figures *cough*

Rejects following behind in their I LOVE JAINA fanclub trunks and on their Hells Angels motorycle hogs.

***

"This is the life," Leia said as she stretched out onto the sand.

Mara and Luke on the other hand, were busy getting sand in the face and mouth from a giggling Ben as he tried to make a model of Palpy's retirement home.

Jacen was busy reading... "Play Galaxy: Every Species Style".

And Jaina, well, Jaina was over talking with the hunky lifeguard.

For Han, he was doing the backstroke forwards.

Vader was reading the holonews with pink sunglasses on and every so often

looking for Padme, who had disappeared. Looking up one more time, he saw her coming towards him, nibbling on her hair.

"Angel, what's wrong?" he asked, concerned.

She glanced at him and timidly looked away. "Um... I'm pregnant."

Vader fell of his chair. Han started to choke on water. Leia jumped. Jacen threw his magazine. Jaina jumped into the hunky lifeguard's hands, and for Luke and Mara, well, they just stared.

All of a sudden in the sad dunes ahead, what sounded like a parody of the beach boys, started singing: "Hit me baby, one more time!"

Ben, who just started giggling ran over to his grandparents. Not able to contain his amusement any longer, he pointed at Padmé then Vader and shouted, "Gwampa made a downtouch!"

*************

(by Marawannabe)

At Ben's announcement the whole family started to talk at once.

"Way to go Dad!"

"Isn't she a little, umm old?"

"Ben, where did you learn that?"

"Will I have to baby-sit this one all the time too?"

"Daddy said it!"

"Luke, what are you doing to our son???"

"What if I don't want to be a sister again?"

"Umm, guys..."

"Mara, I didn't say anything, I swear! Owwww!"

"Great, I'm the one who's supposed to be getting married!"

"My family is soooo embarrassing!"

"Jaina! We LOVE you!"

"Hey, y'all?"

"I heard that old comment, young man!"

"Downtouch, downtouch!"

"Ben, I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap!"

"Raaaarrr."

"Chewie, get out of the salt water, you know what happens to your fur. I am not combing you out again!"

"Ben's going to be older than his aunt or uncle."

"That's gross!"

"QUIET!!!!" Vader yelled, putting Force emphasis into his words.

The whole family shut up, and stared at Vader.

"We are happy about this baby, so what do we say?"

"Congratulations!" Everyone chorused together.

"Thank you."

_____________________________________________

(a little while later)

Jaina and her life guard friend decided to take a walk down the beach, the not so hidden rejects following close behind.

"So, how did you get into being a lifeguard?" Jaina asked innocently.

"Hey, quit pushing, Zekk, it's your turn next!"

"Umm, well. I like, took a test, and got in." Dave, the lifeguard tossed his hair out of his eyes.

"Ooh, Jaina in a swimsuit! Heaven!"

"Wow," Jaina breathed.

All of a sudden, two gray beings with all sorts of wires and machine things on them materialized out of nowhere.

"We are the Borg." The said in mechanical unison. "You will be assimilated. Resistence is futile."

They came forward and grabbed Dave by the arm. One lifted a hand to his neck, and inserted two tubes into his neck. Dave gasped, and went limp in their grasp.

"Hold on there!" a distinct french accent could be heard as a bald man in an ugly red and black uniform came running towards them. He fired some kind of weapon, and the Borg fell with Dave to the sand.

The bald man ran to Jaina's side. "I'm Jean-Luc Picard, of the U.S.S. Federation Starship Enterprise."

"Whoa," Jaina said as she slipped her sunglasses on her face.

"Impressed by the title?"

"Uh, no. The glare from your head is blinding me. That and the clothes are so early 90's."

"Hey Jaina, who's the jerk?" Kyp asked from over her shoulder, making them jump.

"Oh, I don't know, some Peekard guy."

"Wait a minute." Kyp leaned close to whisper in Jean-Luc's ear.

"Wrong show? What do you mean wrong show?"

"This is Star Wars, man, not Star Trek."

"Oh, well in that case, Mr. Worf, 4 to beam up."

With that, the captain, the 2 borg, and Dave disappeared in a shimmer of light.

"So, Jaina, you owe me your life. I just rescued you!"

Jaina sighed. She had a headache.

_____________________________________________

(back with the family)

Ben, who had escaped his parent's wrath once more came up to Anakin and attached himself to his leg.

"Read me, Ani, read me!"

"No."

Ben puckered up and started to wail.

"Ben, no Ben, don't cry! Aunt Mara will beat me up again!"

Ben handed Anakin a book.

"It's kinda thick... Are you sure you don't want to read The Little Y-1300 that Could?"

Ben's eyes welled up with tears again, and Anakin quickly gave in.

"Ok, all right. Here we go. Star by Star, by Troy Denning."

*********

(by PeterTutham27)

All the S/S was lounging around and Jacen silently noted how they could fill the cast of a horror movie: The Nerd, The Popular Girl, Dumb Athlete, Evil Warlord, Pregnant girl, Trekkie, Other random chainsaw fodder, and himself; the cool hero.

He grinned, and squinted out at the water on which the sun was setting. What was that shadow from the ocean? Backlit by the blood red sun, the churning water began to birth a behemoth, insanely tall that rose jerkily, and flapped its long arms of death, shaking droplets of fear everywhere... It's deathly croaky voice nearly made Jacen wet himself...

"Hedo! Mesa Jar-Jar Binks! Who'sa are you'sa?"

~~~~~~~~

Soon they were all ready to go home, save Ben, who was still making his Sand-Evil-World-Domination-Fort.

"Oh, isn't that cute..." Mara said, as she scooped him up in her arms.

Sketched next to the sandcastle was I *HEART* SITH LORDS...

"The world is mine to conquer~!" Ben yelled, pumping his tiny fist in the air.

"Awwww..." Mara said, unaware that Ben was currently possessed by an evil dark lord of the sith...

~~~~~~~

Wicket (remember him from the post of christmas past?) was currently being chased by a giant crab. To avoid him, he ran into the ocean.. Unfortunately, this violated one of the rules Jaina had been told when she got him: That he was never to be fed after midnight, or get wet...

~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, the Rejects (TM) had made like meiosis and split, and were frantically writing song material based on their heroic 'rescue' of Jaina...

"DUDE! I just had an epiphany!" Kyp yelled.

"Boy or girl?"

"Is it contagious?"

"Score!"

Kyp sighed. "It means a revelation!"

"Are you dizzy?"

"Reve-what? You want us to become disk jockeys?"

"Revelation? Jeez- don't get all 'End of the World' on us..."

Kyp growled. "It means a total realization that our band sucks, but we still want chicks, even though we can't really do anything musical but can still pose pretty well!"

"You want us to become hood ornaments?"

"Life size Trophies?"

"NO!" Kyp yelled, an evil glint in his eye. "We're going to become... a BOY BAND! -The N*REJECTS! (TM)-"

Lightning flashed as an unmarked vehicle pulled up to the garage...

"Um... Are you the 'Rejects' (TM)?" a tall man wearing sunglasses asked.

"Yeah..." said Zekk, cautiously.

"I'm an FBI agent, you're all under arrest for the illegal use of TM (TM), as the term REJECT (TM) has already been taken by Leonardo DeCaprio. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used-"

"WOAH! We're gonna be on the news!"

~~~

(by DarkLady27)

Now the family was quite excited.

Leia turned to her parents. "Hey, so what are you going to name the it?"

Vader and Padmé looked stumped. "Uhh, we don't know yet," Padmé muttered.

All of a sudden, screams could be heard on the beach, as a giant salt water

crocodile lumbered onto the beach. Behind it was the one and only Steve Irwin and crew from the Discovery Channel's "Crocodile Hunter" show.

Steve ran over with excitement. "Ain't this one a beauty!" he said as he stared into the camera. "Now, we have to stay still, because as long as this creature stays in the sun, it's energy level is high."

He layed down in the sand and kept still as to not disturb the creature.

The Skywalker/Solo family stared on in amusement.

Luke leaned over to Mara and whispered into her ear, "Who in the heck is this guy?! And why in the heck is a crocodile doing on the beach?"

She slitted her eyes. "I am not the almighty Force. If you're so dying to know, why don't you go over to the crocodile yourself?"

"And risk getting bitten? NO WAY!", Luke whined.

Ben, on the other hand (now done with saying "downtouch") was quite amused at the perky green reptile.

"Hey Momma!" he shouted at Mara. "That creature looks like Unkie Palpy! Look at all dose wrinkles!"

"Ben, watch your mouth!"

"But momma!" he sulked. "It's the truth."

All of a sudden a large number of stormtroopers ran down to the beach, pushed the Discovery Channel's film crew out of the way, grabbed the camera, and started taping themselves.

A couple of them said "Hi Mom!", while others threw a net over the crocodile. It immediately went into death rolls.

"YeeHA!" another yelled.

Then one of them (who had brought a tapeplayer) decided to turn it on.

"Hey guys, maybe this'll calm it down!"

The tapeplayer started to play, to reveal the song....The Bamboogie.

Enjoying the mood, they started to dance. "Doing a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight, get down tonight."

Vader shook his head solemnly. "They never ever knew how to dance to that

right."

Padmé patted his shoulder lovingly.

****

Palpatine grinned through the Force evilly. The crocodile was captured and had been shipped to it's location. "Excellent, I will now have my revenge."

He waited for the scream.... then: "What the- AHHHH!!! Crocodile!" Dooku's voice rang through the hallway.

Palpatine chuckled inwardly. That'll teach the old coot who's the real female

master.

Another "NOOOOO!!!" screamed again. He laughed once more. Good thing it

was a female, too.

*******

(by Marawannabe)

Jacen screamed as Jar-Jar whoever he was came toward him.

"What are you?"

"Mesa a, uh Gungan."

"Grampa!!!" Jacen yelled.

Vader came running over. "What is it Jacen? I felt your panic through the Force."

"What is this thing?"

Vader took one look at Jar-Jar before he too, screamed. "AHHHHHHH! Not you! I thought I got rid of you a long time ago?!?!"

"Whosa, are yousa?" Jar-Jar blinked, not used to such an unkind welcome.

Vader didn't answer, just grabbed Jar-Jar in a Force grip and dragged him to where Steve Erwin and the gang were filming.

"Hey guys, how about dinner for these creatures?"

_____________________________________________

The FBI had failed to get the proper warrant for the arrest of the "Rejects", so they let them go with a warning.

Kyp and Superman were back to Jaina watching, the rest of the band getting ready for the beach concert they were giving later that night.

"So, Jaina in a swimsuit, huh?" Kyp asked, slugging Superhunk on the shoulder.

"Hmm? What?" Superman took his gaze off the family on the beach.

"Jaina, with your X-ray vision! What's it like?"

"Jaina, who's Jaina? I was looking at her aunt. The hot red-head!"

**********

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

"I hate the beach," Batman grumbled.

"Why, pray tell?" Zekk inquired.

"The sand gets stuck in my cowel."

"Then take it off, dude."

"I CANNOT! I AM.... BATMAN!!!"

Batman realized he was drawing stares, and flicked the beach's tenants the bird.

_________________________________________

"Excuse me!" said a voice.

Glancing up, Mara saw a man in a dark blue leotard gazing down at her. She knew that look. She knew it all too well. He liked her, and was about to say so.

"I'm Superman," he continued. "Might I have the honor of a lovely woman's name?"

Mara snorted.

A guy shows up, wearing underwear on the outside of his clothes, and asks me for the "honor of having my name"?!?! Why me?!

"I'm Mara Jade Skywalker," she said coldly. "This is my husband, Luke," she added, guesturing towards her fuming mate, "and my son, Ben."

Superman, being the Super Man he was, suddenly looked a bit disappointed. Muttering something about sexy reporters named Lois Lane, he walked off.

"What the heck was that?!" Luke exclaimed.

"I don't really want to know," Mara replied.

A wad of sand hit them in the faces due to Ben's "building", and they turned their attention back to their son.

______________________________________

"So?" Padme said.

"So what?" Vader replied.

"So, what are we going to name.... it?"

Vader grimaced. He was far too old to be having another kid. "I'm not quite sure. If it's a girl, I like Lysette, and if it's a boy... How about Jak?"

"Jak, as in that idiot from Titanic?" Padme asked, arching an eyebrow.

"No, Jak as in Jack Slater, the cop from Last Action Hero."

"Hon, you watch way too many movies. Tell those Imp officers of yours to quit riding up their bill at Blockbuster."

"Yes, Sweet Angel."

**********

(by Marawannabe)

Jaina was laying on a towel, trying to get a tan, her portable walkman-headphones fastened on her ears. She could feel the eyes of the Rejects on her, but didn't care any more.

Dave, the lifeguard was gone. She sighed and turned up the volume of her walkman.

"Ewww, rap! I hate rap! Classic rock, next!"

The sounds of smooth voices with lots of guitars came smoothly across the sound waves.

*********************************************

"Dad! Mom! Jacen!" Jaina came running up the beach towards where the rest of her family had towels spread out.

"What, honey?" Leia sat up quickly.

"If one of those guys laid a hand on you..." Han threatened, his hand going to his blaster.

"No, Dad, no! Nobody's tried to hit on me since Dave disappeared a couple of hours ago."

"Oh, ok."

"What do you want?" Jacen asked. "I was trying to *a-hem* read here."

"Yeah Jacen, I think Sesame Street is a little old for you." Jaina threw back.

"Moooommmm!!!!"

"He started it!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Na-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

The bickering continued as Leia leaned over to Han. "Why did we have children again?"

"I think you forgot to take the pill-- Ow! What'd you hit me for?" Han whined.

"ENOUGH!!!" Vader shouted as he appeared from out of nowhere.

The beach rang with quiet.

"You are disturbing your gandmother's nap!"

"Sorry Gramps." They all chorused.

"All right." Vader sniffed. "You are forgiven."

He disappeared.

"Now, Jaina. What did you want?" Leia asked with strained patience.

"Oh, that. I just wanted to tell you I've found a knew form of music!"

"Oh no!" Han whispered under his breath. "Leia?"

"It's called... "Jaina continued, "COUNTRY!!!!"

"Dear Force, she's discovered it!" Leia screamed in horror.

Jaina beamed. "Garth Brooks, Ain't goin` down till the sun comes up!" she started to sing happily.

"Leia, you told me you had mentally blocked all the country stations!"

"Blake Shelton, Can't you tell? This is Austin, and I still love you!"

"I did, she must have discovered away around it!"

"Brad Paisley. *sigh* He's really hot!"

"Moooooooooom! Make her stop!" Jacen whined again.

"Toby Keith, I wanna talk about me, talk about I, wanna talk about #1, oh my, me, my!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

"Did you hear that boys?" came Kyp's voice. "We're going COUNTRY!!!!"

**************

(by 2535)

Palpatine walked through the halls of the retirement home. He was just passing Dooku's bedroom when he noticed that there were suitcases on the bed.

"Going somewhere?"

Dooku, dressed in casual clothing, was obviously going somewhere. "The nurses have decided that I'm fit enough to rejoin the outside world." It didn't take a genius to figure out how he managed to convince the nurses that he was sane.

"So," Palpatine sneered. "Even if they do let you out, how are you going to make a living out there?"

"I've got it all arranged. For the next two years I'll be starring in a blockbuster movie."

"What, you'll be playing another B-grade cheesy villain? Okay, so what's the title of this rotten tomato?"

"'The Fellowship of The Ring'."

Palpatine's eyes went wide. "What!? That's no fair! I auditioned for that movie and they promised that they'd get back to me!"

Dooku shook his head. "Sorry Palpy, they said that you have far too old and wrinkly to play Elrond. You really should auditioned for Gollum." He closed the suitcases and left the room.

Palpatine's anger rose again. "Whoever put you in here made the right decision!"

Dooku glanced over his shoulder. "You put me here, remember?"

"Oh yeah..." Palpatine realised.

* * *

Palpatine watched as Dooku waited outside for the shuttle. Dooku was talking to the doctor. It was then that Palpatine noticed the two nurses he had seen with Dooku earlier. They would be, no doubt, his 'supervisors'.

"Now, are you two sure that you are ready for caring for patients outside of the nursing home?" The Doctor asked the nurses.

"We are brave, you highness," the brunette nurse said.

* * *

"Padme! The Phone!"

"I've got it!" Padme sat in front of the holo screen. She hit ANSWER and was delighted to see two familiar faces.

"Sabe! Eirtae! How have you two been?"

"Things have been going fabulous," Eirtae replied.

"How have you been?" Sabe asked.

"Oh, I've just been staying with Luke, Leia and their families. So what have you two been doing lately? Have you two finally found men in your lives?"

Just then Vader stepped into the room.

"We've been working as Nurses at the new Sith Retirement home," Eirtae said.

Oh Sith! Vader thought. Luckily he hadn't stepped into the holo-projector's range.

"But to answer your question," Sabe said, "we have found a man."

Padme smiled. "You're sharing? I always thought you were the naughtiest Sabe."

Sabe giggled. "Of course I am if I had to impersonate you."

"So what's he like?"

"Tall, dark and handsome," Eirtae said.

"And he's starring in a new movie!" Sabe exclaimed.

"So, we were wondering if the three of us could drop in some time," Eirtae asked.

"Sure! You can meet the whole family. I'll see you later!"

* * *

Palpatine had his hand grasped firmly on the phone as he punched in the number.

"Hello?" Maul answered.

"Maul! It's me!"

"They actually let you use phones in there?"

"Listen, Dooku is-"

"Master, you know the rules. There can only be TWO Sith active at any time. If you're asking for a reunion you can forget it!"

"Dammit Maul!"

Palpatine heard a faint voice from Maul's side.

"Hey Maul, who is it?"

"The Master. Something about Count Dooku."

"Give me the phone!"

"What?"

"Give it here! Mr. Palpatine? Boba Fett speaking."

"What's your interest in Dooku?" Palpatine asked.

"Let's just say that he and my uhh... family go way back."

"Riight. Anyway, he's been released and he's heading your way."

* * *

"So what are we doing here apart from messing up Vader's roses?" Kyp asked.

"Palpy's other apprentice is apparently coming over and Maul wants a piece of him," Boba replied.

"This had better be worth it," Batman said. "I've been sitting on this compost for almost ten minutes."

"What's the difference between that and spending your spare time in a cave full of wild, flesh eating bats?" Superman said.

"Shut up."

"Freak," Superman muttered.

"Sissy," Batman shot back.

"Psycho."

"Boyscout."

"Repressed-schitzophrenic-h -"

"Will you guys shut up and find somewhere else to trade insults?" Zekk shouted.

"Oh no, not again," a voice said. They all turned the heads to see Jaina.

"Don't you guys have anything better to do?" she asked.

Suddenly, a young boy in his early teens appeared. He had dark hair and was dressed in a red tunic, a yellow cape and green speedos.

"Who the hell are you?" Jaina frowned.

"I'm Robin, the Boy Wonder, partner of the Dark Knight himself." He looked towards Batman's direction, his finger pointed at Jaina. "So Bruce, this is your 'dead mother' you were getting roses for?"

"Let me get this straight, your name is Bruce," Zekk said.

"You didn't tell us you were gay!" Boba shouted.

"We're not-" Batman stuttered.

"Man," Maul whisteled. "Those stories about you and that Cat-Woman lady were crazy enough. But a little boy that young? Gee, you really are one hell of a sick dude Bats."

"I leave you alone for one second, and you go off and travel to the other side of the country just so you can perv on a girl half your age," Robin said.

Batman stood and started to leave.

"Where are you going?" Superman asked.

"I don't know what motivated me to come here. You're all a bunch of freaks! Come on Robin! We're going home."

"Right behind you," the Boy Wonder replied.

"One down, more to go," Jaina sighed before going back into the house.

"Who would have thought... I mean, he had all the gadgets, all the moves. I actually looked up to him!" Boba said.

"Oh come on," Maul said. "I suspected it all along. A tall guy with a deep voice who appears aggressive, dresses in black yet doesn't kill?"

"He may look all tough and muscular," Kyp said. "But I remember one time when I saw him without the suit. He's nothing more than a puny George Clooney look-a-like."

"You saw him without a suit on?" Boba glared.

"So what, you guys think that just because a guy has certain... preferences, he seems less aggressive?" Superman asked.

"So how do you explain the red, blue and yellow?" Zekk said.

A shuttle appeared on the driveway. Out of it stepped a tall old man and two yound women.

"Is that him?" Kyp asked.

"Yep," Boba replied.

"So who are the babes?"

Maul's eyes brightened. "I'll be damned. It's Padme's fellow college buddies!" He turned to the other Rejects. "Guys, this is going to be a night to remember."

*********

(by Darth_Fruitcake)

"Batman's gay?!" Jacen cried, throwing up his hands. "I never knew."

"Neither did I," Jaina muttered. "Well, that makes no sense, because if he's with the Rejects, then he'd be after me, which would make him...."

"Bi-sexual!" Jacen finished for her. "Seriously scary. He seemed pretty cool."

"JAINA!" Jag shrieked, running inside the house. He dove behind her and peered over her shoulder, fear in his eyes. "There's a scary guy outside with two--beautiful--girls!"

"Sabe!" Padme cried, racing to the front door. "Eirtae!!!" Throwing her arms around her former handmaidens, she said, "C'mon in.... you too, Dooku. I suppose."

Vader appeared beside Padme and took her hand. "Long time, no see, Tyranus."

"Hello, Third Apprentice," Dooku greeted. "You wouldn't happen to have beer here, would you?"

"You'd have to talk to my son-in-law. He's the beer king."

"Get off of me," Jaina said, pushing Jag out of the way. Just then, the rest of the Rejects entered.

Kyp and Boba immediately aimed for Sabe and Eirtae, Maul began having a heated argument with Dooku, and the rest swarmed around Jaina.

Well, Jaina thought, at least three of them are off my back.

"I still love you, Jaina!" Zekk said.

I wish I could say the same about the rest of them.

__________________________________________________

"I WAS THE FIRST APPRENTICE!" Maul screamed.

"BUT I'M OLDER, SO I HAVE MORE EXPERIENCE!" Dooku countered.

"ARGH!!!"

"Shaddup, both of you," Vader snapped.

"Who asked you, old man?" Maul said.

Padme slapped Maul across the face, her face a beet-red. "Don't talk that way to my hubby-dearest!"

"OUCH!" someone said from outside. "Blasted roses!"

"SOMEONE'S IN MY ROSES?!" Vader roared.

"Padme, you look most lovely," Dooku said quietly. "Perhaps I could take you dancing sometime?...."

Vader rose slowly from his chair, turning his evil, masked gaze toward Dooku.

"You dare flirt with my wife?" he hissed.

Dooku shrugged, grinning sheepishly.

The Predator's face appeared in the window.

"Hi, everyone!" he said, waving. "Vader, don't you even trim your roses? They're kind of taking over the yard..."

Vader ignited his lightsaber.

"Dad!" Luke cried.

"No, Daddy!" Leia said. "Your blood pressure, remember?"

"SITH TAKE MY BLOOD PRESSURE!" Vader roared. He charged towards the window, socked the Predator in the face, and sent him flying halfway across the lawn. Then he turned to Dooku. "The roses were fine," he said, low and menacing. "I could handle people stamping my roses."

Everyone in the room suddenly looked terrified.

"But," Vader continued, "if someone so much as looks at my wife, they will suffer the ultimate consequences." He turned ferociously to Dooku. "BUT YOU, FORMER APPRENTICE, HAD THE NERVE TO ASK HER OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dooku squealed, and the Rejects began to scream like girls. The rest of the family huddled in a corner.... all except Padme.

"Dear?..." she began.

"Not right now, Sweet Angel, Love-Of-My-Life," Vader said. "I'm busy trying to scare the living crap out of Jaina's Rejects and my master's former apprentice."

"It's working," she stated wryly.

Everything became quiet, and Vader realized the state of everyone in the room.

"Oh," he said. Behind his mask, he began to sob. "Paddie, they were in my roses! And they flirted with you!"

Padme placed an arm across his shoulders and began to lead him toward their bedroom. "There, there, Dear," she said soothingly.

When the sound of her coos and his sobs faded away, the people in the living room were still staring at one another in dumbfounded amazement.

"What," Mara said, "in the name of the sweet mother of the Force was that?!"

****

(by 2535)

"I have a bad feeling about this," Obi-wan said.

"Calm you must be, our former students they are."

"It's just that things haven't been the same since Sabe dumped me. I mean, how many times do I have to say that that weirdo in the movie wasn't me?"

"Turn women off, your singing does," Yoda replied.

As they approached the front yard of the Skyywalker/Solo home, the door opened and a group of men Obi-Wan knew as the Rejects were force-thrown out onto the lawn.

"And don't you EVER come back!" Luke shouted, waving his lightsaber in the air. "Oh hi guys," he said to Yoda and Obi-Wan.

"Come at a bad time we did hmm?" Yoda asked.

"No, not at all. Come on in," Luke replied.

* * *

"Dude," Zekk said. His body ached all over. He sat up to check his comrades. One of Maul's horns was broken. Kyp was covered in bruises. Boba was shaking in shock. Superman's suit was torn and covered in lightsaber burns.

"Doesn't that guy know how to forgive and forget?" Superman asked.

"You were using x-ray vision on his wife," Maul said.

"And Luke certainly has his Dad's temper," Kyp added.

Boba got up and limped towards the others.

"You don't look so good, Boba," Jag said.

"I think I need a trip to the Emergency Room," Boba replied.

"So why did Dooku keep calling you 'No. #4'?" Maul asked.

"Forget that, just get me to a doctor!"

The Rejects were halfway down the street when Kyp noticed that Superman was walking funny.

"Something wrong?" Jag asked.

Superman turned around and lifted his cape. "Tell me what it is! It's not a skid mark is it?" He heard the others cracking up with laughter. "What is it?!"

"Luke gave you a Super-Force-Wedgie," Maul grinned.

* * *

As Obi-Wan entered the door way he could hear admist the laughter a clear deep voice speaking. It couldn't be Vader, this voice was more - charismatic.

"Are you sure this guy was a Sith apprentice? He's too charming!" Mara said.

"Hey everybody, look who's here!" Luke said.

Obi-wan entered, only to come face-to-face with-

"You!"

"Master Kenobi."

Yet what shocked Obi-Wan was not so much the sight of Dooku, but the women with him.

"S-Sabe?"

"Obi?"

Obi-Wan's lips trembled. "You left me for *him?*"

"Actually, we've been seeing him since the Naboo invasion," Eirtae said.

"I thought you loved me!" Obi-Wan cried.

"Obi," Sabe said softly, "it's not because I don't love you. It's just, he just left the retirement home and he needs special attention."

"Not only that, but he's probably the only Jedi Master who's not a virgin," Eirtae added.

As soon as she said that, Yoda burst into tears, thus forcing the 900 year old Jedi master to run away in shame.

"Speaking of leaving the retirement home," an angry voice said. Everyone turned to see Palpatine standing in the doorway.

"You're back!" Mara yelped.

"But how did you-?" Dooku asked.

"Oh, I tried your 'method', but unfortunately Dr. Phil wasn't so willing." He removed his hood. What was once a cap of platinum white hair was replaced by a huge scar covered in stitches. "Does this answer you question? Now, I'm going to tell you for the last time: I'm the master, you're the apprentice. I'm the emperor, you're the Separatist. Now repeat it for me!"

"You're the master, I'm the apprentice. You're the emperor, I'm the *charismatic* separatist," Dooku said.

"Right, that's it! I've had enough of you!" Sparks started to bounce off Palpatine's hands.

Luke ducked for cover. "Not again!"

Palpatine's assault was interuppted by the sound of a faint ringing. He sighed, muttering something about phones that could be used during force-lightning usage. He reached into his robe and produced a small Nokia.

"Hello? Yes, this is he... what? An audition?...Yes! I'll do it! Thankyou!"

The Skywalker/Solos suddenly found a new definition for fear. The only thing worse than an angry Emperor was a happy one.

"Yess! I've been asked to do a screen test! Haha!" Everyone watched as he danced out of the house.

"What the hell was that about?" Leia asked. She turned to Dooku. "He's not going to be co-starring with you is he?"

* * *

The next day:

Palpatine stood in a low crouch on the stage with a camera pointed at him. His pale, wrinkled skin was covered in green latex.

"Now the role of Gollum will be a very physical one. Are you sure you can handle it?" the casting director asked.

"Ready for anything, my precioussss!" Palpatine replied.

"Okay," the director stood behind the camera. "Mr. Gillard! He's all yours!"

A thin, blonde Canadian man entered the studio. "Send in the orcs!" he shouted.

Palpatine suddenly found himself surrounded by a dozen stuntmen dressed as goblins. "Now wait wait a minute! Nobody told me about-"

*BASH!!! WHACK!!! SMASH!!! SPLAT!!!*

* * *

"He's coming around."

Palpatine awoke to see Dooku dressed in a white robe and a long gray wig, along with a man with white skin, green hair and purple clothing.

"Young Skywalker, is that you?"

"Yeah, this is part of my day job," Luke replied.

"Did I get the role?"

Dooku shook his head. "You passed out on the first punch. But don't worry, you've landed a cameo role as 'evil Bilbo'."

"You never told me that the role of Gollum would involve stunts!"

"Guess I didn't," Dooku shrugged.

"So who did get the Gollum role?"

Dooku searched his memory. "Some foreign newcomer. His name's Nom Anor."

Luke's face suddenly became blank. "Oh S#%*."