A Father's Day With the Skywalker/Solos

by Darth Fruitcake

"Mornin', Pops!" Luke said as Vader walked into the kitchen.

Vader grumbled something uncomprehendible, tied on his apron, and began to fry eggs, make coffee, and pour cereal for his very large and very strange family.

"Ben likes marshmallows in his cereal, right?" Vader mumbled.

"Lots and lots," Luke replied, sipping his coffee. "Dad, before the ladies wake up... we need to talk."

Vader blinked behind his mask. "This isn't about mid-life crisis, is it?"

"No! Of course not. I mean, yeah... yeah, I am going through mid-life crisis; trying to be younger with the Joker job-- ARGH! But that's not the point. The point is, Father's Day is coming up soon... and I think the wives and children are planning something. Han thinks so too."

"I want SAUSAGE FOR BREAKFAST!" Jaina screeched from down the hall.

"Coming right up!" Vader called back.

"Good morning, dear," Padmé greeted, kissing the side of his helmet while balancing a sleepy Rose on her hip. "Why don't you let me handle the breakfast? You can take Rose."

"Fine by me," Vader agreed. He scooped up his daughter, feeling young again. "Hello, my widdle Wosie! How is da Widdle Wosie this morning?"

Rose gurgled and grinned toothlessly, and Vader swelled with pride. "Does da Widdle Wosie want to watch Die Hard today?"

Rose stretched her hand up to touch his mask. Vader took that as an affirmative. He walked over to the gigantic entertainment system Han had blown all his money last month, selected the well-worn tape, and popped it into the VCR. Bruce Willis's face appeared on screen.

The infant smiled at the TV. When something got shot, she squealed. When something blew up, she giggled happily. When the day was saved at the end... well, that's when she started to cry.

"I think she's hungry!" Vader called, setting her in her high chair at the very large dining room table.

"Here's the bottle," Padmé said.

Vader took it and fed Rose, doing his best to convey to the child that he was, in fact, smiling behind his mask.

"Can I feed the baby?" Anakin asked.

"No!" Vader snapped. "No one feeds Rose but me!"

Anakin blinked. "Okay, sorry, Grandpa."

Vader sighed, then turned back to his daughter, making baby noises at her and continuing to bounce her on his knee while he fed her.

*********

"Attention, please!" Padme said, tapping the podium with a ruler. When no one listened, she raised the ruler and slammed it down viciously. "CLASS!!!"

Everyone was silent. The entire Skywalker/Solo family had gathered in the garage for reasons unknown, minus Han, Luke, and Vader. The men had gone out club-hopping for the evening, taking Rose with them to show her off. Padme had organized the meeting very carefully, and pity the person who dared to interrupt her.

"Now, as we all know, Father's Day is approaching. We need something... special to do for them. Any ideas?"

Kyp raised his hand. "A joy ride in the 15-passenger?"

"Any other ideas? And who invited the Rejects, anyway?"

Zekk shrugged. "I dunno. We just showed up at the appropriate time, like we always manage to do in every memorable event."

Padme rolled her eyes. "No kidding."

Leia raised her hand. "A surprise party! With cake and everything!"

"It's been done before. We need something... original."

Leia tilted her head. "A surprise party on a beach? At the park? At a concert?"

"You're getting warmer..."

Anakin pursed his lips, thinking. "How about roller coasters? Grandpa loves roller coasters!"

"How about we just be really nice to them until Father's Day is over?" Jaina suggested.

"MOOOOOM!" Anakin yelled. "Jacen and Siri are making out in the back row!"

"Force help us all," Padme muttered.

________________________________________

"Look at me in my spiffy club leather!" Luke said, swinging his hips. "I can get down with the groove!"

Han laughed mockingly. "Yeah right, kid! Here, let me show you." He then began to breakdance like no one had ever breakdanced before... mainly because he broke everything in sight.

Meanwhile, sitting at a bar stool, Vader was showing off his infant daughter to a group of bikers. "And she can drool like no one else!"

"Can I hold her?" a biker asked.

"No."

"Aww, the widdle cute baby!" The biker made cooing noises, and Rose started to cry. "What did I do?"

Vader bounced the baby on his knee. "She doesn't like it when anybody but me makes sweet-talk. She sees you as an inferior."

"So what does Rose do in her spare time?" another biker asked.

"She watches action movies," Vader said proudly.

"Radical."

************

Everything was surprisingly quiet, despite the approach of Father's Day. No one suspected that the men suspected. The family's plan would be absolutely brilliant; a genius plan matched by no other.

Yessiree, a bonfire was perfect.

"Gwamma?" Ben said, tugging on Padme's skirt. "Gwamma, can we toast mawshmallows at da fire?"

"Of course, dear," Padme replied. "But you have to be quiet about it. Don't tell Daddy or Grandpa or Uncle Han, okay?"

Ben nodded, and Padme returned to Rose, who was staring at the wall vaguely. "Hey Rosie," she cooed.

The infant turned and gave her a big, toothless grin.

Vader walked in. "There's my widdle girl!" he said, scooping Rose up. "Wanna go watch the Terminator?"

Rose squealed and clapped her hands together.

_______________________________________________

"And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, will always love yooooooooooooooou!"

Jaina threw her physics book at the window, striking Kyp at point blank range on the forehead. "Get off the ladder, Kyp."

"Well," sniffed Jag, "that was unnessecary."

"So is this," replied Jaina, flipping him the bird.

Walking off and grumbling (or in Kyp's case, whining that he needed a hospital), the Rejects stumbled through the tall, unmowed grass... and Vader's perfectly kept rose garden.

"MY ROSES!!!!!!"

"It's old man Vader!" Zekk screamed. "Run!"

Through her bedroom window, Jaina saw the Rejects run in a terrified huddle down the street, while Vader collapsed next to his trampled roses.

"Oh, the inhumanity!" he cried. "Why hast thou released thy wrath upon my roses?"

Jaina rose from the spot on her bed and trudged down the stairs to the kitchen, where she found Luke dripping in Pepsi.

"It's wreaking it's revenge," he sobbed, holding up the culprit Pepsi can. "I opened it... and it exploded everywhere."

"Ben!" Han roared, running after the giggling toddler. "Ben, I want my crossdressing magazines back right now!"

"Uncle Han dress like girl!" Ben squealed.

"SSSSSHHHHHHH!!!" Han hissed, clamping a hand over Ben's mouth. "That's a secret!"

"'Scuse me, pardon me," Tsavong Lah said, pushing past the chaos to where Jaina was. "Where is your infidel brother?"

She jabbed a thumb. "Down the hallway."

"MR. SNUGGLES! I'M COMING!!!"

The doorbell rang, and Jaina took the liberty to answer it, only to find Palpy and Dooku on the other side.

"We're here for the infant Rose," Palpy said darkly.

"You and everyone else, pal," Jaina replied, sounding like a bored secretary. She pulled out a clipboard conveniently placed by the door. "State your name and your purpose for seeing the baby."

"Emperor Palpatine and Darth Tyranus. We're here to kidnap Rose and turn her to the dark side to suit our sadistic purposes for taking over the entire city of L.A."

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No..."

"Sorry, Palpy. No can do. Call ahead next time. Oh, and by the way, taking over Los Angeles may not be the wisest decision."

"Why not?"

"Do you really want to own L.A.?"

Palpy blinked and looked at Dooku. "Point taken. Have a Sithly day."

********

"All right, guys," Vader said to Luke and Han at the back door. "At least try to act surprised."

"I've abandoned all morals, good judgement, and common sense, Dad," Luke replied. "An actor I shall be."

"What the kid said," Han agreed.

Vader pushed open the back door...

"SURPRISE!" the Gang cried, jumping out from behind their hiding places. "Happy Father's Day!"

"Oh my goodness!" Luke exclaimed in his Joker voice, covering his mouth in a mock-stunned guesture. "What a smashing, wonderful, incredible surprise! I could just squeal with joy!"

"They knew," Jaina said.

A collective groan went up from the family, and the party mood vanished instantly.

"I didn't want you to act that well, son," Vader whispered.

"It's my job to be exuberant!" Luke retorted.

"Down with the Joker," Han muttered.

"Dada, I make gift for you," Ben said, tugging on Luke's shirt. He handed Luke a scribbled, colored-outside-the-lines picture of the Joker beating Batman to a pulp. "Because Dada is best hero."

"Thank you, Ben-Ben."

"Dad, I forgive you for grounding me for a week," Jaina said to Han.

Han grimaced. "That's good."

"And what do I get?" Vader roared. "I'm the old fart! You're all here because of me!"

"You get to hold a drooling, fat, giggly baby," Padme replied, handing Rose over.

"Good enough," Vader said, brightening.

"Who wants to toast marshmallows?!"

"ME!!!!!!!!"