Christmas With the Skywalker/Solos

by Darth_Fruitcake

Darth_Fruitcake@hotmail.com

Voices. Just outside his window.

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly, falalalala, lalalala..."

Carolers. At 2 in the morning?

Donning his helmet and throwing open the window, he saw...

Boba, Kyp, Jag, Maul, and Zekk singing at the top of their lungs, Christmas hats on their heads.

"Hey, Vader!" Maul called. "Jaina around? We've got a special song just for her!"

"What's going on?" Padme mumbled, climbing out of her bed.

"Just a few dorks, Angel," Vader replied. "Hand me that lamp there."

She did so, and Vader threw the object at the "carolers".

It struck Kyp in the head, knocking him flat in the freezing snow.

"And stay off our property!" Padme called over Vader's shoulder.

Vader closed the window, then took his wife's hand.

"Come, let's go back to bed," he suggested.

*********

*The next day, December 20th*

Jaina sat at the table, quietly awaiting breakfast. Last night, she had been awakened by a crashing noise outside her window. Wisely, she decided to ignore it.

Now she drummed her fingers on the table, hoping her grandfather would hurry up with those pancakes.

"Here they are," Vader said, setting a steaming plate of flap-jacks in front of her face. "By the way, your boyfriends are terrible singers."

She snorted, taking a bite. "You think I didn't know that? And they're not my boyfriends."

Padme walked in, kissing the side of Vader's helmet. "What are we doing for Christmas?"

Vader shrugged, untying his apron. "No idea."

"Mail's here!" Jacen cried, running in. "Here," he said, thrusting a letter at Vader. "Some invitation or somethin'."

Padme looked over her husband's shoulder as he tore open the letter.

J and S Connor.

"So?" Jaina said. "What's the news?"

"Christmas Eve party at the Connor place," Padme replied. "Adults only."

"Uhm, Grandma?" Jaina said, arching an eyebrow. "I'm eighteen."

"They'll have achoholic drinks there," said Padme, just as haughtily. "You know the law, Jaina. Don't play stupid."

Jaina sighed.

Just then, the phone rang.

"I've got it," Padme said. She picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Is this Clarice?" the voice on the other end said.

"Uh, no."

"Sorry, wrong number."

The person hung up, and Padme, frowning, set the phone back on it's cradle.

"Who was it, Mom?" Luke said, entering the kitchen.

"Wrong number," Padme replied, shaking her head.

The phone rang again. This time, Luke answered it.

"Joker here," he said.

"Yeah," an accented voice said on the other end. "Jaina there?"

"Oh, hi, Dutch. Yeah, Jaina's right here. Hang on." He handed the phone to his niece. "Here ya go, kid."

Jaina glared. "Thank you for announcing my phone calls, Uncle Luke." She placed the phone to her ear. "Hello?"

"Hey, Jaina. You doing anything on Christmas Eve?"

She snorted. "Aside from hiding from the obnoxious 'carolers', no."

"You want to do something?"

"What exactly do you have in mind?"

"I was hoping you had an idea," Dutch said sheepishly.

Jaina glanced around furtively, then grinned. "I might. I've got to go, Dutch. I'll call you later today."

"All right. Bye, Jaina."

Jaina twisted the phone cord around her finger shyly. "Bye."

She hung up the phone, and was greeted by three smiling faces.

"So, what's the plan with the boyfriend?" Luke asked, grinning.

"Be quiet, Uncle Luke," she muttered.

***************

Jaina sneaked into the kitchen, glancing around furtively.

Curse my parents for not letting me have a phone in my room.

She gently lifted the phone off the cradle, and did her best to punch in Dutch's number quietly.

So far, so good.

"'Lo?" the answering voice said.

Jaina smiled. "Dutch, do you happen to own a tuxedo?"

"No, but I can borrow one. Why?"

"I found the perfect place to go on our date. Just pick me up tomorrow night five minutes before eight o'clock."

"Wouldn't it be more convienient if I picked you up a little, uhm, earlier?"

"Trust me, Dutch. On this paticular date, secrecy is the key word..."

_________________________________

At Boba and Maul's apartment, Zekk gloated over how well he installed the phone bug.

"Isn't this great?" he bragged. "Now we can keep the ultimate track of Jaina!"

"Shh, quiet," Kyp ordered.

They listened for a few more minutes, and then Jag rammed his fist down on the table.

"Dagnabbit, she's going out with that military guy!" Jag exclaimed.

Maul snorted. "That wimp?"

Kyp raised his eyebrows. "He's really freakin' enourmous, dudes. I'd watch yourself if I were you."

"We weren't the ones who were beat up by him," Boba said.

"Then take some helpful advice," Kyp snapped, "and be extremely careful. If we're going to follow them to this party of theirs, then we'll have to do it in ultimate secrecy."

Zekk let out a gigantic belch. "Good, Kyp. Now, if you would please pass the eggnog..."

*********

*Monday afternoon, December 21st*

"IT'S THE MOST, WONDERFUL TIME, OF THE YEAR!"

Padme rolled her eyes as she recognized Luke's voice. The Skywalker/Solo household was extremely busy that afternoon, but that didn't stop Padme from rooting through her closet.

"Hmm..."

"What are you wearing tonight, Angel?" Vader said, coming into their bedroom.

"If I can find it, that green gown I wore to that senatorial meeting."

"Oh, I love that color on you."

She stood up and planted her hands on her hips. "So you're saying you don't like any other colors on me?" she said teasingly.

"Of course not," Vader replied, catching on. "All colors look simply stunning on you."

"Good. Now, come help me find that dress."

_________________________________________

"Aunt Mara?" Jaina asked, knocking on her aunt's door.

"Come in," Mara replied.

Jaina opened the door, stepped inside, and shut it behind her. "I need your help."

"With what?"

"I need a dress."

Mara arched an eyebrow. "You know, hon, your mom has plenty of dresses--"

"No, I mean..." Jaina took a deep breath. "I want something SEXY."

Mara blinked. "Oh. Well, that complicates things. Why do you want a sexy dress on Christmas Eve, Jaina?"

"Imgoingout."

"What?"

"I'm going out," Jaina said quickly. "With a guy. A nice guy that I really like. And not one of the five stalkers."

"Jaina Solo," she snapped. "You're not wearing this dress to turn him on, are you?"

Now it was Jaina's turn to look shocked. "No! Of course not. I just want to look really nice, that's all."

Mara sighed and stood up. "Fine. I think I have just the outfit..."

"Oh, Aunt Mara?"

"Yes, Jaina?"

"Can we, uh, keep this a.... secret? Don't tell my parents or Grandpa and Grandma. They'll be really angry."

Mara grinned. "Sure, kid."

********

"Okay, Aunt Mara, how do I look?" Jaina whirled around for inspection.

Mara's eyebrows went up, impressed. "Very nice, Jaina. You pulled that off better than I thought you would."

Indeed, Jaina looked nice, wearing a long, flowing dark blue dress that reached her ankles. A necklace adorned her neck, her hair was pulled back in a french braid, and makeup had been applied carefully.

Now all she needed to do was wait for Dutch to show up.

She checked her wrist chrono. 7:54. Any minute now...

Her grandparents and parents had left awhile ago, on their own dates, while Jacen had gone out with Siri. The only current tenants in the house were Luke, Mara, Ben, and Anakin. And Jaina, of course.

7:55.

The doorbell rang, and Jaina grinned. Right on time.

"Jaina!" Luke called. "Your date is here!"

Jaina's eyes widened, and she realized how nervous she was for the first time. Her mouth went dry.

"Go on," Mara encouraged, "sweep him off his feet. And I don't mean that literally," she added, winking.

"Thanks, Aunt Mar," Jaina said, hugging her.

Then she went to the door.

Dutch stood there, in a black tuxedo. His hands were clasped behind his back, but when he saw Jaina, his mouth dropped open.

"Uhm, hi," he said, dumbfounded.

Jaina smiled shyly. "Hi."

Dutch blinked, as if remembering something, then whipped out roses from behind his back.

"Uh, these are for you," he said, handing them to her.

She took them, and grinned. "Thanks."

"You ready?"

"All set. Bye, Aunt Mara, Uncle Luke! Thanks again!"

"Bye, hon!" Mara called, waving.

As they climbed into the sleek, black... um, military jeep, Dutch asked,

"You know how to get there?"

"Yeah," Jaina replied. "We went there a lot about two years ago. The Connors needed some help with the time displacement thing."

"I see."

__________________________________

Across the street from the house, lying in wait in a dark, discreet car, were five hopeful young men.

"There it goes!" Jag exclaimed.

"Okay, Kyp," Maul directed, "drive at a good distance. We don't want them suspecting anything."

*******

The Connor mansion was big. Not enormously huge, but big enough to lose yourself in. Padme stepped out of her and her husband's sleek black Jaguar, and mounted the steps to the house.

As they entered the lobby, a familiar face greeted them.

"Here," Terminator said, handing them a sprig of holly. "A gift from the Connors."

"Thank you," Vader said, taking the plant.

He turned and pinned it on Padme's shoulder sleeve, then took her hand and headed over toward the refreshment table.

_________________________________________

"Okay, that's it," Jaina said, pointing.

"Kind of hard to miss, huh?" Dutch replied wryly.

Jaina snorted. "No one likes a smart butt, Shaefer."

"Sorry."

The two exited the car, went up the steps...

And into the Connor house, where they were greeted by a familiar face.

"Here," Terminator said, handing them a sprig of holly (are we seeing a pattern here?...). "A gift from the Connors."

Dutch stared into his twin's face, his eyes going round.

"C'mon, Shaefer, your eyes are as big as a crater's," Jaina said, grabbing her date's arm.

"Uh-huh," he replied in a monotone, following her.

Suddenly, he remembered the holly in his hand.

"Uhm, here," he said, pinning it to her shoulder sleeve.

"Thanks," she said, glancing up at him.

He flashed a nervous grin. "Want something to drink?"

She shrugged. "Why not?"

___________________________________

The five rejects' eyes went round as they saw the house.

Zekk whistled. "It's BIG!" Suddenly, he regained his composure, and pretended to examine a fingernail. "That is, for a little house. Coruscant's much bigger."

"Uhm, Zekk?" Jag said.

"Yeah?"

"We've all been to Coruscant."

Zekk's face flushed red. "Oh."

Kyp rolled his eyes. "Let's go."

*********

Padme was sipping her punch, when she heard the band begin to strike up music.

"I love this song," she said.

Vader extended a black-clad hand. "Do you... tango, Mrs. Skywalker?"

Setting her punch down, Padme took his hand and smiled. "But of course."

_________________________________

"Do you dance, Shaefer?" Jaina asked.

Dutch choked on his drink, then shook his head. "Uh, no, why don't we wait until later before we dance?"

Jaina's lips stretched into an evil, playful smile. "You can't dance, can you."

"No," he said, shifting his feet.

"C'mon, I'll show you," she said, taking his arm.

"No, Jaina, I can't--"

She turned to face him, her brows furrowing together. "You can't, or you won't?"

Dutch sagged in defeat. "Okay, show me."

______________________________________

Vader whirled Padme aggresively across the dance floor; a twist here, a bend there. He twirled her around, then dipped her. Finally, as the music ended, he twirled her into the crook of his arm.

"Well!" she huffed, standing up and grinning. "That was most interesting."

"I could say the same." He offered his arm. "I see the Connors. Perhaps we could strike up some lively conversation?"

"But of course."

______________________________

"Here," Terminator said, thrusting a sprig of holly at the five strangers. "A gift from the Connors."

"Hey, thanks, man!" the tall, black-haired ponytailed one said.

The red and black tattooed one came up and stared Terminator in the eye.

"Yo, I'm the tough one here," he said.

Terminator said nothing as the odd men walked into the lobby, did nothing except wonder why in the heck Skynet did not give him red and black tattoos.

******

Padme smiled as John and Sarah Connor approached them. Sarah gave them both a hug, and John gently kissed Padme's knuckles. Vader stood up straighter, and Padme could clearly see his jealousy, but he said nothing. Maybe it was a good sign.

"My dear Padme," John said suavely, "you look most lovely."

Or maybe he would have a nervous breakdown when they got back to the house.

Either way, she knew he was getting angry, and quickly tried to avert the subject.

"Thank you, John," she replied. "Sarah, I love this party! Simply smashing. And the little chocolates are absolutely delicious. You managed to pull it off."

Sarah laughed. "I hate this dress. As soon as this is over, I'm going to have to go shopping for some more camo pants."

"Mom," John interrupted haughtily, "you'll send me and the Big Guy out to get them."

"John, that Terminator has more uses than killing people and protecting you, and you know it!"

As the Connors continued their argument, Padme and Vader took that moment to make their exit and head for the dance floor.

___________________________________

Dutch touched Jaina's arm gently. "I'm going to use the bathroom," he said. "I'll be back."

"Okay," Jaina responded.

After he had gone, she glanced around furtively, trying to steer clear of her grandparents. She knew they were there; she saw them doing the tango earlier. She just hoped they wouldn't see her.

"Hey, Jaina!" a familiar voice called.

"Oh no," she whispered, not daring to turn around.

Next thing she knew, Boba, Maul, Kyp, Jag, and Zekk had all surrounded her, grinning ear to ear.

"Want to dance?" Jag asked.

"Hey, no, I got here first!" Zekk whined.

"I am the oldest, so I get to go first!" Kyp shouted.

"I dated her first," claimed Boba, "so I get to dance with her first."

Maul was moving for his double-bladed lightsaber, when all of a sudden, a loud roar came from across the room.

"JAAAAAAAAAIIIINNNNAAAAA!!!!"

Jaina saw her grandfather storming across the lobby, heading in her direction. Padme was close behind.

"Oh, crap, busted!" Kyp said. "C'mon, guys, grab Jaina and let's go. Gramps is mad."

"Don't touch me!" Jaina said.

Maul sniffed. "But Jaina... I wrote a poem!"

Jaina rolled her eyes.

Suddenly, the roof erupted in a shower of shrapnel and glass.... typical action movie.

Jaina only hoped it wouldn't mess up her hair.

*********

A strong, powerful arm scooped around Jaina's waist, and her eyes went wide in surprise.

"Ma'am, you'll have to come with me," Batman said.

"Oh, great, not another one," Jaina muttered.

"What on earth are you doing to my granddaughter?" Vader roared, coming up to them.

"Saving her life, of course!" Batman replied. "I'm the superhero, remember?"

"No, you are not!" Maul said, pouting. "I am!"

"Wrong!" said another voice.

Glancing up, Jaina saw another familiar face. This time, Neo had entered the party.

"I am Neo, The One," he said, bringing up his fists. "Now, dodge this."

"But I'm the chosen one!" Vader whined.

Padme took his arm. "Let's go sit down, dear."

"Yes, Sweet Angel."

Neo lifted himself off the ground in typical Matrix-fashion, and kicked Batman dead in the face. Batman flew backward, landing on the refreshments table.

Then the door was kicked in, and in came Wedge Antilles, Tycho Celchu, and the rest of Rogue Squadron.

"Yub yub, Lt. Solo," Wedge said, bringing up his blaster.

Jaina arched an eyebrow as yet ANOTHER pointless cameo came in behind THEM.

"I am the T-1000," the T-1000 said. "Say.... that's a nice dress."

"I am saving the day this time!" came a yell.

Up on the balcony, Jaina saw the most astounding, strangest sight she had ever seen.

The Predator.

With a Tarzan-like yell, he swung down on a rope and landed in the middle of the lobby.

"Where's Dutch?" he asked.

"The toilet, I imagine," Jag replied sourly. "Hey, wait a second! I saw pictures of you on the news! Did you really kill six commandos in the jungle, then move on to LA and kill a bunch of cult members?"

The Predator looked immensely pleased. "Actually, yes... it's my job."

"Radical!" Jag said, beaming.

Batman and Neo were fighting, the T-1000 was trying to kill John and Sarah Connor (much to Uncle Bob's disliking), the Rogues and the rest of Jaina's Rejects had found the beer, Jag and the Predator were discussing the "jungle and LA incidents", and to top it all off, Dutch still hadn't returned from the bathroom.

Jaina looked disturbed.

******************************

"Hello?" Luke said, picking up his brown cell phone. "Uh-huh? Yeah, sure, Dad. Okay, I'll get Leia and Han and we'll be over there faster than a bantha who has a needle stuck in it's butt." He hung up the phone and turned to Mara. "We've got a problem."

__________________________________

"I hate elevator music, man," Kyp slurred.

"Yeah, where's Led Zeppelin?!" Wedge said.

"Or Kiss?" Jag added.

"Van Halen!" Tycho said.

"Or Elton John!" Zekk put in.

Heads turned, and Zekk shrugged.

"Boo!" the Predator said, picking up a tomato and tossing it at the band. It hit the rather annoying lead singer in the head and sent him flying.

"The noise..." Vader muttered. "The noise!"

"I only hope my parents don't show up," Jaina muttered.

Suddenly, the door burst in, and Han, Leia, Luke, and Mara barged in, followed by Jacen, Siri, Anakin, and Ben.

"You spoke too soon, Kid," the Predator said.

"JAINA AMIDALA SOLO!" Leia screamed. "JUST WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE SWEET MOTHER OF THE FORCE ARE YOU DOING?!"

Jaina shrugged and grinned sheepishly. "Uhmmm... well, Dutch was looking for a nice place to go out on a date, see--"

Han reached over and grasped her ear between his thumb and forefinger. "You're coming home, young lady. And we're gonna have a LOOOONG talk about this."

"GASP!" a voice said.

Everyone turned to see Luke, who was turning an odd shade of.... white.

"Batman!" he shrieked in his best Joker voice. "My arch nemesis! Face me!!! Where's the Penguin and Catwoman when I need them..."

Just then, the sound of bullets pelting the ceiling made everyone jump. Looking up on the balcony, they saw--

Dutch, with six commandos and a whole arsenal of weaponry.

"This party is over," he announced.

Leia pursed her lips, appearing to think....

"Then we'll continue it at our place!" she cried. "C'mon, everyone, there's eggnog and everything."

***************************

"Okay, here's the deal," Anakin said to the Predator. "So you wanna pick up chicks... My Grandpa taught me that if you can swing dance, then you get a whole lot of girls!"

"Really?" the Predator replied anxiously. "Oh, joy!"

After the Gang had arrived at the Solo/Skywalker home, Vader had taken the liberty of calling the Jedi Council and inviting them over. Now, Padme realized, the house was so packed that she could barely move.

And the conversation was simply horrendous.

"Hehehhh," Jag was saying. "Jaina looks GOOD in that dress, huhuh."

Maul swaggered drunkenly, slapping Jag on the shoulder. "Yeah, man..."

Kyp turned around in circles, and finally crashed into a wall, knocking himself out.

The Rogues were just as--if not more so--drunk.

The six commandos had, unfortunately, found the playing cards, and were caught up in a righteous game of poker. At the moment, Billy was gambling his utility belt.

"And all it's contents!" he insisted.

The Jedi Council, including Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, were wearing their finest brown-and-tan Christmas coats, and discussing the uprisal of the Sith in a corner, beer in their hands.

Vader, Luke, Jacen, Neo, Batman, and Han, however, were planted in front of the TV, watching yet another football game.

"Well, it's not the Gators," Han said. "But it's still football!"

Meanwhile, Leia and Mara were discussing the things that housewives always talk about: interior decorating, new recipes, training children, etc...

And, of course, Anakin had babysitting duty with Ben.

All the while, Padme sat in a recliner, hoping to escape at any moment to the peace and quiet of her bedroom.

Then an idea hit her.

"Everyone?" she called. No answer. "Excuse me!" Still no answer. "HEY, SHUT YOUR BIG FAT HOLES AND LISTEN!"

The whole room went silent. Padme smiled sweetly.

"I have an idea," she continued. "Why don't we all go Christmas caroling?"

********

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me!..."

"Jaina in a green dress!"

"On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me!..."

"A two-bladed saber, and Jaina in a green dress!"

"On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to--"

"NOOO!!" the woman cried. "Harold, get the rifle!"

"But ma'am," Luke protested, "we were getting to the part about the X-Wings!"

"Freaks, all of you!" the woman screamed.

Then she slammed the door in their faces.

"Well," Vader said, "that went well. C'mon, let's get back to the house--"

"NO!" Padme exclaimed, slapping him on the arm indignantly. "We go on to the next house."

"But Mother--" Leia began, but Padme cut her off.

"I have started this idea, and I will not leave until it's FINISHED! So move out, all of you!"

Commandos saluted, Terminators grimaced, Predators sighed, Ones let out collective breaths, Star Wars characters chorused in a groan. But these were not stupid characters/cameos. They knew not to mess around with Padme when she set her mind on something.

As they reached the next house, Kyp nudged Maul.

"Knock on the door, will you?"

Maul sighed, but did as he was told. He rang the doorbell.

"Yes?" a lady said, answering the door.

Maul put on his friendliest grin. "Hello, ma'am! We are Star Wars/Cameos Incorporated! We offer free caroling--with a minimal fee, of course--and eggnog!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" the woman cried, slamming the door in his face.

"What?" Maul asked, turning to the others. "Was it something I said?"

"Cut back on the onions and garlic, dude," Zekk whispered as the group moved on to another house.

Anakin, balancing Ben on one well-placed hip, gave a loud groan.

"Gramma!" he whined. "Can't we go home now? Ben's getting heavy!"

Padme's face turned red.

"Don't upset your grandmother, pumpkin," Leia said.

"Okay, only one more house to go, everyone!" Padme announced. "Let's try a more friendly smile this time, shall we? Go knock on the door, Ben."

Anakin set Ben down, and the toddler waddled over to the door and rapped on it three times.

"Hello?" an old lady said as she opened the door.

"Hi, old lady," Ben said confidently. "We sing songs for you, and you pay us alotta money."

"Ben!" Leia admonished.

"No, it's quite all right," the old woman said, smiling. "He's such a cute little thing."

Anakin rolled his eyes.

"HEY, HERB!" the old woman called. "CAROLERS! AND THEY'VE GOT A LITTLE KID WITH 'EM!"

An old, tired-looking man appeared at the door. "Yeah, go on," he demanded. "Sing a song or somethin'."

Ben returned to Anakin, while Padme whispered,

"Silent Night. Annnnd.... now!"

"Silent night...

"Hey, no pushing."

"Holy night...

"Maul, you wanna watch that breath of yours?!"

"All is calm...

"BEN, QUIT KICKING MY STOMACH!"

"All is bright...

"Jag, quit trying to kiss me."

"Round yon virgin...

"Back off, man, she's my chick!"

"Mother and child...

"I saw her first!!"

"Holy infant...

"Yeah, well, she liked me first!"

"So tender and mild...

*pow, sock, punch, etc*

"Sleep in Heavenly peace...

"Break it up, all of you."

"Sleep in Heavenly peace."

The elderly couple looked disturbed.

"Uhmm..." the woman began.

"HERE!" Herb cried, thrusting money at them. "I'll pay you anything; just get off our property!!!!!!"

"Sweet!" a commando said, picking up the money.

"C'mon, let's go home," Han said.

With groans of pain, sighs of relief, and numb fingers and toes, the Gang turned and headed back towards the direction from which they came.

Little Ben gazed up at the stars, smiling.

"Force bless us; every one," he whispered.