An April Fool's Day with the Skywalkers/Solos

by ArnaKyle, Darth_Fruitcake, and Melyanna

*~*~*~*

It all started one afternoon in the home my family and I occupied in Los Angeles, California. As usual, I was glad to be wearing my cool Dark Lord helmet - after all, it filters out all the pollutants in that smog-filled air. The day was bright and sunny (for L. A.), and everyone in the house was taking advantage of the weather and spending it outside.

But on that day, March 31, 2002, I found myself no longer caring about the possibility of my roses becoming genetically altered because of pollution. Instead, I was sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch and engaged in a battle royale with Palpatine, who dared to think that he was better at something than I.

"Whatever, Palpy, you're never going to be as good at practical jokes as me."

I was annoyed by my former Sith Master. He claimed that he, having narry a moment in the light side of the Force, could therefore think up and execute better practical jokes than me. Of course, this was completely ridiculous - only someone with training as a Jedi and Sith could possibly play the best practical jokes! After all, you have to be able to think like both Jedi and Sith.

"So the student claims he can outwit the teacher?" Palpy replied. "I sense a challenge brewing."

"You're on," I fired back, my Sithly irritation increasing every moment.

"What will this challenge be, my young apprentice?"

I thought for a minute. "If you're so good, then you'd be able to pull a prank on a lot of people - Padmé, Luke, Mara, Han, Leia, Jaina, the Rejects, the Jedi, the Handmaidens, Ben, and me - all in one day."

Palpy merely waved his hand in dismissal. "That is nothing with the power of the dark side."

"Prove it."

"I shall," he replied.

"Tomorrow?" I asked.

"It will be done."

"And if you cannot succeed, you will proclaim your incompetance on PBS?"

"I will most certainly," he replied, "but it will not happen. Instead, you will stand on the table in your underwear singing 'Everything's Coming Up Roses.'"

"Deal."

A strange sense crossed my mind as I left the porch. Somehow, I had a bad feeling about this...

******************

That morning started off shaky. I had awoken, remembering Palpy's threat to prank us all. Of course, I didn't think that Palpy could pull one on me, not with my incredible perception for tricks.

But the more I thought about it, the more I started to worry, surely Palpy would have something plotted. Maybe I'd be his first victim. THE ROSES! Surely, he would not touch my beautiful roses. He would pay dearly if he did.

Looking out the window, I made sure that my roses were safe. Whew, they were still fine.

Sweet Angel came into the kitchen, holding Rose in her arms. "Hello, Sweet Angel, hello my beautiful Rose."

"Hello, Dear," she said mellifluously, as always. "What a fine day it is outside." Yes, it was rather nice outside, and my roses were looking better than ever. As long as Palpy stayed away from them.

"Yes, Sweet Angel," I affirmed, looking at her with affection. I followed her to the table where she seated herself and Rose down.

It appeared as though Palpy had not touched my Padmé. Good. If he touched my Sweet Angel, there would be problems. "Care for a spiffy can of Pepsi?" I asked Padmé.

She smiled genuinely, something I had not seen her do since before she began throwing up a few months ago. I guess our precious Rose was good for all of us. "Yes, dear," she said sweetly. I stood up, casting another wary glance outside at the roses.

As I opened up the refrigerator, I noticed there was only one can of Pepsi left. And it was opened! How could this be! I'd have to go to the store and buy more, but I could not bear to leave my roses for a moment, especially with Palpy on the prowl.

"Sweet Angel," I said, voice filled with anxiety. "There is no more Pepsi, except for this opened can." I bet it was Luke's, he always left his open Pepsi's around.

"It's okay, Dear" she corrected, "that's my can. I couldn't finish it this morning." I pondered on this for a moment and handed Padmé her Pepsi.

"There you are, Angel," I said, setting her can of nearly full Pepsi in front of her. Back to the window for me.

I was still staring off idly at my roses when I heard a VERY familiar sound. Hacking. Padmé hacking. "Paddy!" I shouted, "you're not pregnant again, are you?" I demanded.

"No!" she gasped, running to the sink with her can of Pepsi. "This isn't Pepsi!" my Sweet Angel yelled. "Someone put Coke in my Pepsi!"

With horror and shock from hearing this abomination, I watched Paddy spew Coke all over the sink and proceed to dump the horrid beverage down the drain. Palpy would pay. And with that, my dear Paddy ran out of the room and once more I was graced with the sounds of Paddy puking.

"You certainly don't want any more siblings," I remarked to Rose.

*********

I sat down at the kitchen table, keeping my eyes open for any suspicious acts. Outside, my beautiful roses were blooming, their red and green coloring adding flavor to an otherwise boring and messy lawn.

Suddenly, gasps came from the living room, and I stood to go see what was going on.

Luke stood in his Joker outfit, a look of pure and holy terror on his face. "It was awful, simply awful!" he cried.

"Son?"

Luke whirled around upon seeing me, showing me his backside. I would have gasped if it weren't for the accursed respirator. His Joker suit -- which came out of my Sith Lord's paycheck, mind you -- was completely ruined. The entire backside of it, including the buttocks, were cut out.

Mara ran to him and smooched his face. "I'm sorry, honey. I can sew it for you."

"Daddy suit get bad crap happen to it," Ben commented.

"Mara, you never sew," I spoke up.

She glanced at me and sighed. "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

Inside my helmet, I glared. I was onto Palpy's game. He wouldn't get away with it....

Oh, dear Force, my roses! What if he got them?!

Grimacing, I made up my mind. I would camp outside tonight. It was the only way to protect them.

*******

Paranoia, according to these two guys named Merriam and Webster, is defined as "a tendency on the part of an individual or group toward excessive or irrational suspiciousness and distrustfulness of others."

Just because I suspected everyone and didn't trust anyone didn't make me paranoid. It made me perceptive. After all, Palpy was out to get me.

After my Sweet Angel's Pepsi was sabotaged early that morning, I was wary of eating or drinking anything in the house. By lunchtime, I had to give up and eat. Thinking it was safe to eat something prepared by Mara (though not safe in the taste sense of the word), I joined Han, Leia, and Mara for lunch.

I watched carefully as Mara puréed my lunch and stuck a straw into the glass, glancing out the windows occasionally to make sure my roses were still in tact. Each time, I was filled with relief that the evil Palpy had not shown his face near the roses.

Come to think of it, Palpy hasn't shown his face at all today...

I picked up my straw and began to stir my meal in its glass. There was no way I was trying anything until everyone at the table had taken a bite from everything on their plates and taken a drink from their glasses. But the food was so tempting, the water so clear and sparkling, that I slowly lifted the straw to my lips and began to take a drink.

At that moment, Leia, Han, and Mara all began to cough and choke. They each reached for their glasses of water, but water seemed only to worsen the problem.

Forget it. Food isn't that important.

At that, I fled.

*~*~*~*

"GWAMPA!" Oh boy, what was the little muttonchop up to this time? Not another prank, dear Force, NOT another prank. And how dare Palpy take out his scheme on my grandson?

I knelt down beside Ben, taking him by the shoulders. "What's wrong, Ben?"

"Gwampa," he pouted again, jutting his lower lip out, "somebody stole my Gwand Admiwal Thrawn action figure!" How dare Palpy! More of my precious dollars down the drain --I had bought my grandson that action figure, complete with deluxe glowing eyes!

He buried his head into my shoulder, and I reluctantly put my arm around him. "Don't cry, Ben, Grandpa Vader will get you a better toy. How about a talking Palpy head?" I muttered.

Ben looked up at me, his eyes glimmering with tears. "But, but Gwampa!" he stammered, "I wuv my Gwand Admiwal Thrawn!"

I sighed. "Yes, Ben," I said slowly, "I know you love your Grand Admiral Thrawn Deluxe Action Figure 3000x with custom glowing red eyes and real hair, so did I. Did you look under the couch?" Those blasted toys of his always seemed to find their way under the couch.

Ben looked at me defensively, firmly planting his hands on his hips. "I looked evwywhere, Gwampa! Thrawnie is goney!"

Palpy struck again, and this time he'd pulled a prank on my grandson! Didn't he know when he'd gone too far? Pulling pranks on poor defenseless children.

How dare he take Ben's action figure.

The man was asking for trouble.

*~*~*~*

I heard whimpers coming from my bedroom closet. With a snarl, I opened it to see the Jedi huddled in terror.

"What is the meaning of this?!" I hissed.

"The handmaidens are after us!" Qui-Gon explained. "They said they got love letters, but I swear by the Light Side of the Force that we have sent none! That was on A Valentine's Day with the Skywalker/Solos!"

"Spare us you will, hmm?" Yoda said.

"Oh BOOOOOOOYS!" came the voice of Jedi-crazed women.

"They've found us!" Obi-Wan cried. "Master, hold me!"

"My mama will never fogimme, ya dig?" Mace said.

Then the handmaidens burst in. My last thought before blacking out was...

Palpy strikes again.

*******

I found Jaina in the living room, sobbing her eyes out.

"Granddaughter? Someone diss on your threads again?"

"What did I tell you about the ghetto talk, Grandpa?" she said, smiling. "I got a phone call from Legolas, see.... and he asked me to lunch. When I got there, I didn't see Legolas, but all of the Rejects, sitting around the table and grinning like goons."

"Oh no!"

"What, Grandpa?"

"Palpy! I made a bet with him!... Nevermind, dear child. It doesn't concern you. Just keep a lookout."

"Okay."

As I walked off, I thought I saw her smiling. I dismissed it and began to try to predict Palpy's next attack.

*********************

Let's see, Palpy had already targeted my Sweet Angel, my son, that bum Han Solo, my daughter, Mara, my grandson and his action figure, the Jedi, and Jaina. That only left one possible target: MY ROSES!

Oh no, I wasn't letting sly old Palpy touch my beautiful roses. He may be able to foil the others, chase me out of a meal, and take action figures from little kids, but he was NOT touching those roses.

Even if it required me, a fishing pole, and the wild wilderness of L. A. I was determined to save my roses. That settled it! There would be no pranks on Vader.

I grabbed my spiffy lawn chair, complete with cup holder, a can of Pepsi (after forcing Luke off to the store), a fly swatter, fishing pole, and bug repellent to keep those nasty things off my shiny helmet. Those roses would be SAFE.

I manned my battle station, much more comfortable than those dumb pickup trucks, and stared lovingly at my roses.

"DO NOT TOUCH THE ROSES!" I shouted as a forewarning for all those around. Palpy had better watch it. My eyes, drooping with fatigue, snapped open, hearing a sound close by.

"Oh, it's just Ben crying about Thrawn again," I muttered, but I didn't dare close my eyes again. My hands were even starting to shake a little against the fishing pole I'd kept dangled in Ben's kiddie pool.

"It's cold out," I affirmed myself. "You're allowed to shiver."

The door opened, and I nearly jumped a mile into the air. "What?" I screeched irritably at Paddy.

"You know, Dear, it's cold outside. You don't need to be so snappy," she remarked, sipping a Pepsi.

"Sorry, Sweet Angel."

My nerves were going, I could feel it. Palpy was determined to sabotage my roses, and I knew it. And if he even touched a petal, there would be bad news in the neighborhood.

He'd better watch himself. Yes, he'd better sleep with one eye open, because Hawkeye Vader wasn't going to let him escape the wrath of well, me. Great, now I was talking in third person like Bob Dole.

Sleep. That sounded kinda nice right now.

The temperature was pleasant too. And the moon reflected so nicely on my roses. They stared at me with wondrous awe. Because they knew that I was their protector. What admiration.

If only people in this family could learn a lesson from the roses. That's what they ought to do, my ever faithful roses, always there for me when I needed them. I watered them and cared for them and they loved me back. I buy Ben a deluxe Thrawn action figure and he goes and loses it. I buy Luke a Joker suit and he goes and has holes get cut in it. I buy Pepsi and Paddy lets someone put Coke in it…*snore*

*******

The next morning I was glad of my helmet, because it hid how little sleep I had gotten. My family, along with Palpy, the Handmaidens, and assorted Jedi, were gathered around the kitchen table, all sipping at their Pepsi. I smiled, though none of them could see it. "Well, Master," I began as I took my seat, "it seems that you didn't get quite everyone in your wild prank spree yesterday."

I expected an outlash against the Sith Lord, but instead I saw nothing but mildly amused looks on faces.

"No, my young apprentice," Palpy replied, "I got precisely the one I wanted yesterday."

I sipped my Pepsi through a straw and tried to remain noncommital. "Oh?"

The Sith Lord nodded. "You see, you were the one who was had."

"What?" I cried. "That's impossible! You didn't do anything to me!" I pointed around the room. "You switched Padmé's Pepsi for Coke! You cut a hole in Luke's costume! You poisoned lunch for Mara, Han, and Leia! You stole Ben's favorite toy! You set up the Handmaidens and the Jedi! You set up Jaina and the Rejects!" I stopped abruptly as the amused looks turned into broad grins. "What?"

Palpy laughed his patented evil Sith Lord chuckle. "No, my young apprentice. You see, I had everyone pretend to pull a prank on himself.

"Padmé said that someone switched her Pepsi for Coke, but did you taste it? Luke said that someone cut out the back of his costume, but did you ask if he'd done it himself? Did you try Leia, Han, and Mara's lunch? Did you see the letters from the Jedi to the Handmaidens? Did you see someone take Ben's toy? Did you see Jaina at the restaurant?

"You see, my young apprentice, you did not see any of these pranks. You lose the bet."

"All right," I said, standing up. "You win. You are the Master of Practical Jokes. I bow in reverence to you." With that, I attempted to leave.

"Oh no, you don't," Padmé called. "We understand that there was more to it than a simple admission of defeat."

"What?" I asked, trying to cover my panic. "There wasn't anything else."

"Up on the table," Han replied. "We're supposed to get a performance of a song that's near and dear to your heart."

I sighed, knowing I had lost at last. Halfheartedly I stood in place and began to sing.

"Things look swell, things look great, gonna have the whole world on a plate."

"On the table!" Luke cried.I sighed again and climbed up on the table.

"Starting here, starting now, honey, ev'rything's coming up roses!" I sang at a whisper.

"I can't hear you!" Leia cried.

"Clear the deck, clear the tracks, we got nothing to do but relax!" I sang louder.

"What was that?" Luke asked.

"Blow a kiss, take a bow, honey, ev'rything's coming up roses!" I fairly screamed.

"Skin, you should show us!" Yoda cried.

That was it.

"Now's our inning, stand the world on its ear!"

Through the next few lines I managed to toss off my cool Sith Lord gear.

"That lucky star I talk about is due!"

Finally I was standing in nothing but my helmet and boxers. When the family saw the roses all over them, they erupted in laughter. At last, I didn't care what they thought of me anymore, as long as they stayed away from my roses.

"Honey, ev'rything's coming up roses for me and for you!!"